Normally at this time of the year I would be spending my weekends walking in the nature with a camera. I had this one crappy old digital camera, that me and my siblings got from a relative, who apparently thought that we would appreciate her old crappy camera when she buys a new better one for herself. A real benefactor. But the camera wasn't any good and so most of my photographs are technically unsound.
(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)
Sorry for sounding bitter. My medication is wearing off so I'm getting into a foul mood. Like my whole body was a one huge raw wound. It's no surprise the medication doesn't work anymore since after a misunderstanding I've been taking a lot less than I was supposed to. It still worked for a while. Now I'm starting to take a bigger dosage. Hopefully it will have the desired effect. I'm so tired of this up and down affect. I get to taste the relieving normality before I come crashing down into this state that I do not want to think about. This is horrifying. I live on the edge of a knife when this gets bad. My reality starts to crack and I don't know what to do with myself. I was afraid that this up and down with medication would be a continuing problem, but the nurse that I'm seeing told me that with the right medication it shouldn't happen. I clutch on to that thought.
Today's the international Father's Day. I haven't written here much lately, since I've been thinking about writing something personal. More personal than sexuality or my depression. Something that some of the people in the world have experienced, and know of and some might be even interested in reading about it. But I found out that I am unable to write the things down. I think about it in my head, I make the sentences I could write, but I can't write them. I can't say them. And I guess I feel pressured for some reason, so I've been avoiding my own blog. It's almost as if I would think that I might force myself into doing something unpleasant. Which is ridiculous. I also noticed yesterday, that I can't speak about some of the people I had to leave behind in the summer. I cannot say their names anymore. I can think about that and a lot of hard things, but I cannot talk about them. I really hope I will be able to find the words in therapy. If I can't tell the therapist about those things, they might come to the conclusion that I won't need their assistance. The things I was able to tell, with some difficulty and vague words, were not understood completely since there's a lot more behind the things I said. The things I said will not seem like uncommon or more or less nontrivial problems, because I wasn't able to tell the whole story. I guess I'm writing about this because I find this whole thing shocking. And I'm still writing about the things I know since there are other people fighting their own personal demons, and they might find the fact of having other's doing the same comforting.
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Sol Invictus - In a Garden Green
This is love, This is hate
This is chance, This is fate
These the rich, These the poor
This is peace, This is war
In a Garden Green
This is dark, This is light
This is wrong, This is right
These the strong, These the weak
These awake, These asleep
In a Garden Green
These to hide, These to seek
These to laugh, these to weep
These build , these destroy
This a girl, This a boy
In a Garden Green
These are flowers, These are weeds
These are healthy , These diseased
These will bloom, These will rot
This the tomb, This the cot
This a path, This a wall
This a plough, This a sword
This is marble, This is clay
This a throne, This a grave
In a Garden Green
Is God Good
is God Bad
Is God Happy
Is God Sad
Is God Honest
is God Sly
Is God alive
or did God Die
In a Garden Green
And one of the saddest songs from Nine Inch Nails, "All the love in the world". When I feel like I'm sinking into the depths of the Great Below, Nine Inch Nails will be there to take me down. Even though Trent Reznor makes really depressing and sad music, he makes one of the most beautiful sounds with the most touching lyrics in the world. Desperation, melancholy and beauty go seamlessly together.
A bit fuzzy picture my friend took with her camera. Better than nothing, because here you can see the amazing pumpkin she carved. Just amazing. And now I have the tickets to the Cinemare-event. I'm excited and a bit terrified all at once. I don't usually go out, and when I do, I lose all control of the environment and comfort. And it's not just that I'm expecting to be annoyed by people's rudeness, it's going to happen. All I need is a one person to be really rude, and it's always going to be me, who has to suffer with it. I guess today I'm feeling like the opposite of people-person. Hopefully tomorrow night is going to be a fun and pleasant evening without any idiots ruining other people's night.
More thinking. I have time to think. No social activities, just me and time. And since I feel more stable, I can think about certain things. But my well being resides on me not thinking about anything bad and just keeping my focus on anything good. I'm afraid that when I feel good and at least stable, that the therapist will say that I don't need their services. It's not like I can just list all the things that have affected me. When you keep things to yourself, it's not easy to talk about them. Talking with a stranger, even to a stranger who seems approving and willing to hear me is really difficult. I've already felt like I don't deserve any kind of therapy. Every doctor and nurse keeps reminding me about the lines they have, the demand, the people who need their help. I just wanted to talk about my demons to someone who's willing to listen. I thought that talking about the things, I've never had the chance to talk about, might help me put those things behind me. But if the world wants me to eat the drugs until I can live with myself and my demons again, without confronting them and just oppressing them more into my subconsciousness, I'll do that. I just can't deal with the guilt. I know there are lines and I know there must be thousands of patients who need therapy a lot more than me. I don't need persuading that I'm not an urgent patient. I thought about saying that to the therapist next time. I want to know if they there feel like I'm wasting their time and should stick to eating medication. After all my medication is working now, and I heard, that I was supposed to eat double of what I eat now. I was surprised, since I kept fearing that the medication wouldn't work. I don't mind the situation. Less medication means less poison into my body. I guess my previous medication didn't sit well with me. Or I'm starting to get pass the first bad waves I had concerning my loneliness and the messy break-up. But there's two weeks left until the highest effect of the medication starts to wear off, and I've felt the change happening, yet I hope I can keep the dosage and nothing bad happens.
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I'm also thinking that I might not want kids even if I would ever find myself in a relationship. I do not find children necessary, nor do I find them particularly cute, so I lack the necessary qualities that make people want to have kids of their own. I knew this one 3-year old kid, who was a really nice kid, and we played hide-and-seek and built fortresses from pillows, and of course I will like the future-nephew's and other kids I might come acquainted with (especially if I ever get to university to become a teacher), but I don't think I would ever want kids of my own. Especially crying babies freak me out. I use the word "freak", since when they cry like something was eating them, it sounds really creepy. I have never heard any sound as creepy as that. Especially when you are in the same space and the cry pierces the air all around you, and you can't leave. It really makes me feel stressed. I think this subject came to mind, since I'm watching this horror movie (in celebration of Halloween) where there's almost in every scene a crying baby. I don't really feel sorry for the baby, especially since it's most likely a crying sound coming from a recorder (they don't make babies cry if they need that crying-sound). It's not a scary effect, it doesn't create anything but annoyance. Hm, I really don't want to sound like a children-hater, but I'm finding hard to describe what I mean correctly. Most likely other people who feel about this as I do, can understand what I'm trying to say. I've been just thinking about building my own future that I will spend by myself - and all of this is realism, not whiny pessimism - and I was thinking about making a shelter for homeless pets. Pet shelter's are always needed, and after some local situations, I though that this idea might be great. I love animals, I hate it when people kill and abuse them for various excuses and there's not enough people who rescue them. So this is something I'm thinking about to keep my mind in a good place. Something to focus on, when I plan for my future.
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Also now that the Halloween is over, almost all candy has been eaten, and I've already taken down the decorations (they've been up since October the first) I'm slowly turning to Christmas, celebration of artificial lights. I'm hoping to purchase a plastic christmas tree for myself in a couple of weeks. You know, for my own delight. And most likely for my cat's delight. Although I hope that they don't start eating the tree.
