In the Shadow of our Pale Companion

The poem I added to my last post was one of the poems I need to write an essay about. It's really frustrating. This takes too much time. I have so many assignments to do and it's frustrating to get stuck on something that I don't enjoy doing and it requires a lot of work, like background information. I don't have the energy for this.

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It seems my medication has increased my distress. My therapist told me that the medication is to blame. I had been wondering why I'm so distressed, so it's good to know why I feel so awful. Though since I talked with the therapist today I feel alright now. But who knows for how long.

It's probably a pain to read text written by a depressed person. I cannot help the way I see the world right this moment. 

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One of my all time favourite bands: Agalloch. 
I usually listen to their songs at late fall and winter. It's amazing to walk in a blizzard while listening to their folkish metal. It's like traveling in some other world.

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I got the camera. I tried it, and it works just fine. My own skills are lacking, but I'll learn as well as I can with the time I have for it.
It still brings me a little bit of joy.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Poisonous

W. B.Yeats

THE SAD SHEPHERD 

There was a man whom Sorrow named his Friend,

And he, of his high comrade Sorrow dreaming,

Went walking with slow steps along the gleaming

And humming Sands, where windy surges wend:

And he called loudly to the stars to bend

From their pale thrones and comfort him, but they

Among themselves laugh on and sing alway:

And then the man whom Sorrow named his friend

Cried out, Dim sea, hear my most piteous story!

The sea Swept on and cried her old cry still,

Rolling along in dreams from hill to hill.

He fled the persecution of her glory

And, in a far-off, gentle valley stopping,

Cried all his story to the dewdrops glistening.

But naught they heard, for they are always listening,

The dewdrops, for the sound of their own dropping.

And then the man whom Sorrow named his friend

Sought once again the shore, and found a shell,

And thought, I will my heavy story tell

Till my own words, re-echoing, shall send

Their sadness through a hollow, pearly heart;

And my own tale again for me shall sing,

And my own whispering words be comforting,

And lo! my ancient burden may depart.

Then he sang softly nigh the pearly rim;

But the sad dweller by the sea-ways lone

Changed all he sang to inarticulate moan

Among her wildering whirls, forgetting him.

"What if all the world's inside of your head, Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Difficulties with concentration. I'm trying to study, but it's quite difficult. Analyzing poems is really difficult. I'm getting a headache.

I'm also very tired. Been tired for two days now. I wish I could just sleep through this dark winter. I've liked the fact that it's been a bit snowy lately and that the weather's been clear and beautiful, but still I'm so tired all the time, that I can't get anything done.

On a lighter note I bought myself a used old battery-based camera. I'll be able to do some quick artistic works with it, so that's a good news for me. I don't have time to do any art now that I'm working and then studying - or trying to - in my free time. After I get the camera and I get the chance to go take some pictures I'll share some of them here. It will be a nice chance to get some new pictures taken. All I have left are old, old photos. Very nostalgic and precious to me, but really old.

"Right where it belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all...
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

The Crown of an Elk

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

I'm taking a bigger antidepressant dosage now - a bit bigger dosage. It's starting to work so I start to feel relieved once again.

I'm also slowly going into a hermit-mode. I'm starting to feel like I felt two years ago. A hermit who just does whatever he wants whenever he wants, living quietly by myself and enjoying it. I just get some interesting stuff for my house (I'm slowly trying to build a "mad scientist laboratory" for myself), watch movies and a couple of TV-series, eat and drink whatever I want and I've been trying to go for a walk in the weekends, but fortunately I've had social gatherings so I have enjoyed them instead, but otherwise I'm really deep in my own zone. It's starting to feel weird when I go somewhere where there's a lot of people, like stores and the town center. I don't think I feel anxious, but it just feels odd.

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I've also finally decided the kind of tattoo I want. I've been planning for years, changing the idea's and locations every now and then, but now I believe I have a solid idea that requires nothing more than the funding.
Of course I will get back to the subject if and when I get the money for it.
I believe it's smart to get a small or average sized tattoo when you're the so called "tattoo-virgin", that you have no ink yet. For me it's always been about the money, but it's also been about the idea. As an artist - of sorts - I feel that I need to have something of my own in the picture. The tattooist makes it theirs when they put it on my skin, but before that the design has to have something of mine. The idea must come from me. I wouldn't want to force any artist to do any of my own drawn pictures, since that would be just copying. I want them to use their own talents at that point on, when they take the idea of it.
But I will update the situation when I know it will happen.

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And another thing is that I'm currently looking for some really really cheap camera's - because I can't afford a good one now - nor later. I've been missing photographing for two years. It's kind of an instant artistic-relief. Just to take a camera and go outside. I've really missed that. Painting and drawing needs time that I don't have now that I'm studying - what would apparently be high school studies - on my free time after work.

I've made a couple of book finds, which are just great, and I've also for the first time bought myself a Joulu-tree. I don't want to use the word "Christmas" so "Joulu" is my country's equivalent but with the old pagan heritage and not the modern christian-nonsense. Apologizes, christian people. I just find the forced destruction of the old ways disturbing, and I don't want to endorse it. I rather take my own heritage and my family's traditions and mix them together. This subject would be a long one if I'd want to write about it, but I don't. This will do.