Your own Personal Satan

(Copyrights mine)

Been seeing sexual dreams lately which amuses me. All in good taste though - and have to mention not involving me in anyway. Perhaps too much Bioware?

Also couple dreams about my ex as if to say that it is never over. Those now almost unreal memories will haunt me forever like some monsters from a nightmare. A year is at the same time really long and really short period of time.

No interest in life. I rather play games and forget that there's a household to run and things to do and promises to keep. I just don't want to do anything. And my obligations are tormenting me. I wanted to do certain things, I wouldn't otherwise promised to do them if I wouldn't have wanted, but I can't seem to find the will to do them. Odd and complicated. And distressing.

(Copyrights mine) 

I also wanted to write something with an actual subject, but now that I am sitting here, I find myself unwilling to write about the subject. I do not know why. Perhaps writing would force me to think and deal with the subject and difficult and painful things are not in my to-do-list at the moment. Thus I play games to surround myself with other worlds and other plots other than my own life. It does help with the anxiety that seems to be increasing.

 (Copyrights mine)

Two of the last falls have been difficult so I'm not sure what to expect of this year. It might not be quite as horrible this time, but there's still many things gnawing at me. I am getting older and I have achieved nothing and there's not really anything to expect from the future. These are the things I hope to discuss in my therapy - that has been on a break for perhaps too many months now. Considering my emotional turmoil which goes round and round from better to worse.

(Copyrights mine)

Colorless dreams within a Dream within a Dream

I've put reality on a hold for the moment. I have no time nor interest to write anything, though I have things to write about. It can wait.

"Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention."

It's interesting to read the arguments about the authenticity of love when sexuality is not involved. 

There's just the tiny problem, that no one can be objective about the matter. You are either a sexual person and can't really understand the nature of love without sex and asexual's can't really understand the role of sex in love; what it gives to it. Or that's how I feel. Who knows in how many different ways the opinions varies.

I wasn't able to stuck the poll on this post in any sensible way so it's a bit of a mess up there.

Another subject I thought writing  about is the surprising(?) disgust among women towards men in emotional state - for example crying. I don't know how many women find emotional responsive off-putting or if it just varies - which is something I like to think to be the answer, but I find it a bit troublesome. Not for me anymore but for others and for the over-all gender-equality. It is difficult to show emotions and it is almost physically difficult to cry. I haven't been able to shed a tear even when I have wanted to in hopes of getting some kind of relief from that. The only time - and the last time - I cried was because of my ex. I was a lot of times in emotional torment with her not to mention a depression that was slowly getting worse. Depression is a real emotion-booster, too much so and it consist only of sadness of all varieties.

But then I've noticed situations when other men have became emotional either by crying out of sadness or just being open with affection or empathy, and it had made the women in the situation disgusted.

That is something I can't understand. I literally cannot even try to comprehend what goes in their minds when they act like it is not alright for men to show emotions and vulnerability.  Women have a gift and a curse to be emotional, and men don't have it the same way. Even in physical pain, I've never shed a tear. Even when I have been emotionally and physically exhausted, at the end of my strength, I've not been able to cry to relieve my own suffering. When men cry, it's usually either intense pain that comes from something like a bone slicing through the skin and muscle or emotional pain from something actually worth crying about. I do feel a bit offended by the attitudes toward emotional men, since I am somewhat emotional myself and when I hear someone getting rejected over tears I do get annoyed. I feel like I should explain that if some man cries for you, you should be happy that he loves you enough to feel the kind of pain that makes him cry.

But enough with my ranting. I see the world and the people in it a bit oddly, perhaps. I still believe that we are all our own unique personalities though there are similar effects from the gender-stereotypical upraising.