Jolly good time, old chap

If you happen to appreciate humor and jokes made about some of the famous Hollywood-films (Batman, Hunger games, LOTR etc. many of the classic movies), you will laugh at these:

Murders and Mysteries

It would seem that October will be filled with interesting tv-shows - at least in the US (or maybe the local pay channels), but blessed be the internet, for I will get my hands on those shows.

Couple of shows I'm waiting for the most are American horror story - Coven and Walking Dead season 4.

"Be spared the pain - That comes from a dark and laughing rain"

Quick musical interruption and then I must study.

Today I got an inspiration to hone one of my scifi-comic stories into a more better ("modern") version. I've always wanted to make something of the world of science fiction - and the one that centers in outer space. I tried to make a painting, but with paintings it's difficult to portray what it means to travel among the stars. 
It truly is the final frontier, and I guess me as well as many others have kept dreaming that we might some day try to reach the stars instead of be content to fight about the things happening on Earth.
We can dream through visions - if nothing else.


And the fitting music to help me vision these milky way dreams are from Bear McCreary: 

"Gaeta's Lament - Instrumental"

"Kara remembers" 

"By Your Command" - Richard Gibbs

To someone who is worthy of the affection

"When you think you've tried every road

Every avenue

Take one more look

At what you found old

And in it you'll find something new"

You'll break my will, You'll sell my soul, You'll take my heart and replace it with a gaping hole - and step on me"

I'm usually a hardcore metal head, but since metal-music is so intense and arouses some really powerful feelings - at least the good bands do - that I can't listen to it at this mental state I'm in. I've usually listened to one of my favourite bands, Nine Inch Nails at this time of the year, but I guess that won't happen this year. 
All I can listen to, is some lighter music. Dark cabaret is something I've quite recently found and I liked it. It appeals to the history-geek in me and I also like the sinister themes it has. It - like rock-music, is lighter music to my standards.

Nine Inch Nails

"The Line Begins To Blur"

There are things that I said I would never do

There are fears that I cannot believe have come true

For my soul is too sick and too little and too late

And my self I have grown to weary to hate

The more I stay in here

The more it's not so clear

The more I stay in here

The more I disappear

As far as I have gone

I knew what side I'm on

But now I'm not so sure

The line begins to blur

Is there somebody on top of me?

I don't know I don't know

Isn't anybody stopping me?

I don't know I don't know

Well I'm trying to hold my breath

I don't know I don't know

Just how far down can I go?

I don't know I don't know I don't know

As I lie here and stare

The fabric starts to tear

It's far beyond repair

And I don't really care

As far as I have gone

I knew what side I'm on

But now I'm not so sure

The line begins to blur

*

(Had a song here)

 *

Nine Inch Nails

"Something I Can Never Have"

I still recall the taste of your tears.

Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.

Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]

You make this all go away.

You make this all go away.

I'm down to just one thing.

And I'm starting to scare myself.

You make this all go away.

You make this all go away.

I just want something.

I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how

Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.

This thing is slowly taking me apart.

Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.

Though it all looks different now,

I know it's still the same

Everywhere I look you're all I see.

Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

I just want something I can never have

We are like oil and water

Vermillion lies - Bone Yard 

I'll be black as coal 

I'll be cold as steel 

I'll be all the things 

you never wanted to feel

I'll be deepest pit 

I'll be biggest fear 

I'll be all the things 

you never wanted to hear 

I'll be far from home 

I'll be without light 

I'll be all the things 

that come out and scare you at night 

and I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

I'll take off all my skin 

just to let you in 

you'll see my big black mess 

my aching emptiness 

you'll never fill me 

no matter how long you try 

you'll just get lost 

inside 

you'll lose those perfect eyes 

lose that perfect mouth 

and just like me you'll be 

a pile of bones 

and I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

oh I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

bone yard 

(http://www.thehistoryblog.com/archives/12797)

*

This song was the one, that gave me a great idea for a painting. Or an ink illustration. But I don't have the time to do that now. I had to put everything to hold until I have finished my studies. No games, no new tv-shows and no art-projects of any kind.

"Never forget what you are - the rest of the world will not. Wear it like an armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

It is true, that when you bear several heavy crosses on your back, while living in a world filled with hypocrites and people ready to hate you, you need to grow a thick skin.


This whole thing came to mind, since I decided to continue with college - as I dropped out years ago, and now I have a new chance to prove myself, but most importantly to prove some people, that I am not a drop-out loser who made nothing with his life.

When I first started college (Finnish version of it), it was after high school, of course, and I had hope and dreams about my future.
But the excitement didn't last long. I started to struggle with a couple of courses. I failed them, and I started to lose hope little by little after every failure. I knew those courses would be a challenge from the start, but how hard they actually were, came as a surprise. I knew I couldn't succeed in passing them without help. And since I've always had to survive on my own with no parents to guide me, I went straight to the student councilor to find out what could be done, so I could pass the courses and succeed in college. I told that I had an actual disorder, that made those two courses extremely difficult, but if some way could be thought of, like different way to study those courses, it might help.

And the councilor didn't help me. 

I can't remember the exact situation or what the councilor said, but I had to give up college. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pass the courses, and there was nothing else I could do by myself. It was kinda horrible, how ignorant and annoyed the teachers were with me. It was only couple of the subjects that I couldn't handle, all my other courses went splendidly and I got good grades. 

It was a horrible experience altogether. The feeling of failure gnawed me for years. Especially when all of my friends and siblings got their college graduations and had parties and got the hats and were celebrated, and I was left out. At the time it felt like I was left out from the world and from the people who were closest to me. They lived their college life and experienced so much, but I didn't get any of that. 
And at that time I felt like my relatives thought I was a failure and a loser. I can't pinpoint the exact proof to that, but it was just the way I was ignored and how they talked about my vocational school -studies. All my relatives had nice professions and since my parents were screw-ups, I felt like in their eyes I was a screw-up too.

Now I want to make that feeling of failure disappear and take back the life I missed. But I wouldn't parade with the achievement - if I truly get it. It will be only for me (and the closest to me) to know. And that will be achievement enough that I know what I can do on my own with no one to support me. It's how I've lived my life to this day, and it's how I will live my life till the day I die. My ex didn't understand it, but when you get abandoned by everyone, and all you have is yourself, you have to get strong.

The only downside is, that if you're strong too long, you might break - like I did. But since I have my medication to keep me going, I feel like I can do this. Only time's not on my side, but I will give it my best. I have had years to hone my willfulness, and now it's the time to put myself under the test.

Wish me luck.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Completely different thought, but a thought that has hunted my mind after the night I saw a dream about an old affection of mine. 

One thing I miss about dating-life (emphasis on that word so no misunderstandings happen) is kissing. I think I might be content being by myself if I could kiss someone nice at least every now and then. It's the intimacy of a kiss that I miss. As I am an asexual, who doesn't care much for kissing either, it's just what the kiss symbolizes to me; intimacy and affection. It's a lot more than just a hug. Although I seem to be daydreaming about any sort of sign of affection.

And because I'm starting to desire some aspects of intimacy, my brain is rekindling some old flames toward an subject of old affections. It's weird. I don't know why am I doing this to myself. Is it because I'm struggling with depression or is it because of my failed relationship, my need for human companionship or because of the dream? I haven't got the slightest idea.

But I just thought about writing this whole thing down. The latest thoughts even though I do not know what some of it means.

The land of the crows

Nice neighbourhood I live in. The crows are watching over the peace from the trees and if I hear thumping sounds from the roof, I know the crows are jumping there. It's nice to live in a area that has at least a bit of wildlife. It's more cozy.

And other random ranting is about this rain that comes pouring down. I'm using it as an excuse to not to go out to buy groceries. It seems that this is this kind of weekend, that I have tons of chores to do, but I just don't feel like doing anything.
Even my two cats are reduced into a state of comatose in this weather. I feel more like wanting to join them than do anything useful today.

*

I watched the "Mars Attacks" -movie last night. It was okay. The last time I saw it was several years ago. I didn't even remember what kind of cast of actors the movie had. It was fun to see several good ones in the same movie. I didn't think that it was a great movie but it certainly wasn't a waste of time. 

The director of that movie is the good old Tim Burton, but I have to say, that I do not care for his new movies. The old ones are not as polished, but at least they have other purposes than be over-polished. The newer movies focus more in the way the movie looks than what it contains so they are not entertaining and they are just so empty like there was no plot to follow.

The only "new" movie from Tim Burton, that has potential, is "Dark Shadows". Although the main romance in the movie was lost somewhere and the twist in the end didn't really make much sense because of that. It just felt forced. Still the movie was fun.

*

Last week I went to my local doctor and got a new description for antidepressants. I took the first one yesterday, and now I'm just listening to my body to see, how it reacts to it. After all, these medicines are pure poison, and they act like that. Sometimes I feel like my brain should be jump-started to get it working properly again. Medicine's supposed to be a "quick" relieve, but now it seems I might get therapy - at least after there's not more other people in need of help in the line. I'm glad this doctor thought the best help comes from therapy - and not in the pill bottle. Don't get me wrong - when you feel like you're your worst enemy, and you feel like you're drowning, the pills give you quick relief and you might feel really good for few weeks. But if the pill's effect start wearing off, well, you don't want to think about negative thoughts and just deal with it when it happens. 

One battle at a time.

"A murderer would never parade his crime in front of an open window."

The best way to get really cheap classical literature books is to buy them used in some other language instead of Finnish. I've found several really cheap English literature books that are used but in mint condition. If I would be better in Swedish, I could also buy Swedish books, since not so many people wants to buy books in other languages, that's why used books get insanely cheap. Everything that has been translated or written in Finnish is quite expensive even in used books. To found something worth finding for takes about 1/100 chance. So instead of mooning over fly market books that cost surprisingly lot for being used and old, I've turned my attention to cheap and good conditioned ones in English. It's also great to read books that were originally written in English. Nothing gets lost in the translation.

*

And talking about old yet good things, last night you could have seen Alfred Hitchcock's classic movie "Rear window". If you are not prejudiced about old movies, you would like Hitchcock's work. Classical thrillers. And the "Rear window" is my favourite one. The plot has a smooth interesting flow to it, the characters and dialogue are interesting and no matter how old the movie is, the excitement does not grow old. You still after seeing the movie several times, get intensely into it.

Lt. Doyle: You didn't see the killing or the body. How do you know there was a murder?

Jeff: Because everything this fellow's done has been suspicious: trips at night in the rain, knifes, saws, trunks with rope, and now this wife that isn't there anymore.

Lt. Doyle: I admit it does have a mysterious sound. But it could be any number of things for the wife disappearing. Murder is the least part.

Jeff: Now, Doyle, don't tell me that he's just an unemployed magician amusing the neighborhood with his sleight of hand. Don't tell me that.

Lisa: The last thing Mrs. Thorwald would leave behind would be her wedding ring. Stella, do you ever leave yours at home?

Stella: The only way somebody would get that would be to chop off my - finger. Let's go down to the garden and find out what's buried there.

Lisa: Why not? I always wanted to meet Mrs. Thorwald.

And for the extremely supreme eye-candy, the movie has the lovely, beautiful and talented actress Grace Kelly. I don't usually really care for blondes, but she just takes my breath away. One of the most beautiful woman in the history of cinema. She might be one reason that made me see a dream about someone - mentioned in the bottom of this page.

Jeff: She wants me to marry her.

Stella: That's normal.

Jeff: I don't want to.

Stella: That's abnormal.

Abnormal indeed.

The only a bit disappointing Hitchcock-movie, that was spot on for almost the whole movie's length, was "Vertigo". 

When the last minute of the movie started and you were expected to be in a shock by the last major twist in the movie, I just started laughing. Sure, it was a surprising twist, and it was half-surprised laughter yet it was also laughter out of the absurdity of the scene.
"Vertigo" was voted to be the best movie in the history of cinema (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-19078948) after the classical "Citizen Kane" (by Orson Welles) had ruled the polls, but as I can understand why "Vertigo" would be voted to be the best, after seeing "Citizen Kane", I was surprised by the way it was said to be such a amazing movie. To me, it was a disappointment.

*

And as for personal matter; I had a dream last night about some old beloved of mine. It was nice yet confusing dream, although the waking hour has dimmed the experience into a foggy after-feeling, and the realization what happened in the dream. Of course the waking hour differs from dream like the night does from the day, but dreams do always make me think about the things I've felt and thought and done in the dream. I compare them in the light of day to see how they seem and how much truth can be found in them.

I don't know how I feel about the dream. Not just yet. All I know is that it was really nice to feel loved even if it was just a plain old dream.

As black as the night can get

If someone has been wondering, where to get these very decorative hard-covered books of classical literature, go to Barnes and Noble . I will make some purchases there after Halloween is over. 
I really like it, when the publishers invests in the quality of the book. Books will survive most likely hundreds of years so it's nice to own books that look good in the eyes of people who appreciates aesthetic things, but since I already have one of these books, I know that they are very high quality.

*

Bought few green lanterns for candles. I really like how the flame looks in them. Like some eerie green foxfire dancing.

Since the nights have been pitch black for quite some time now, I'm slowly starting to burn candles. An old habit of mine.

*

As for the bad news, I think I'm getting used to my new medication, so the effects are starting to wear off. It's troubling, but it just means that I would have to change medication to something else, and try that. As I'm starting to lose the grip to the normality, and my mind has the will of its own, I'm feeling kind of discouraged with this situation. All I need to do is to remember how good it felt to feel normal, so I keep my hopes up.

I guess I could call this the good news, but I've gotten into baking. Just a  bit. I usually hate baking and cooking - mostly because it's a lot of work and that means a lot of dishes to wash, but I've been baking bread and desserts for myself especially when I have some extra time to do all that. It's been kind of nice.

“L’amor che muove il sole e l’altre stelle”

"Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita,

Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,

Che la diritta via era smarrita."

- Dante Alighieri "La Divina Commedia"

(Copyright to these pictures belongs to me - do not copy these without my permission)

*

Today I happened to read some old comic-script of mine. It was interesting to read something I don't remember writing. It was at least five years since I was writing it.

The story is about a human turning into a vampire. Since I am a huge vampire-freak, it's not surprising that I made a story like that, but it was still loyal to the original vampire-myth's, with the raw sexuality, tragedy and the constant battle between the duality of humanity and the beast-side not forgetting animalistic brutality.

I feel those are what makes a vampire what it is.

And just for fun and in Finnish, here's a short text from the script:

<<Saatoin ennen katsoa kuinka aurinko nousi itäisestä taivaanrannasta miettien, kuinka vielä muutama viikko sitten olin ajattelut, että tässä oli elämäni: ohitse ennen aikojaan, eikä minulla ollut mitään odotettavaa tulevalta. Ainoa nainen, jota olin koskaan kyennyt rakastamaan, oli mennyt naimisiin, ja minä olin jäänyt yksin kaupunkiin, jota vaivasi ikuinen kylmyys. Perheeni ja ystäväni olivat kaikki kaukana. Minulla ei ollut enää muuta kuin työni... ja nyt, tavattuani Raphaelin tunsin vihdoinkin eläväni jälleen. Oli illat joita odottaa, kun tiesin hänen tulevan luokseni. Vaikka keskustelimme vain vähän aikaa, ja yhdentekevistä asioista kierrellen omien salaisuuksiemme ympärillä, vaitonaisina mutta kuitenkin jakaen jotakin selittämätöntä, ajatus siitä että se kaikki päättyisi pian teki minut vihaiseksi.<<

I guess I still would want to make a comic at least for myself to look at, if for nothing else. It's the writing-process I had problems with. Creating a story and the characters and conversations and whatnot - I had a lot of problems with it. And since this is something I started over a fifteen years ago there was of course some stories that wouldn't have survived the time and stayed any good.

Yet there is at least one idea I have always liked, and maybe some day I have the time and energy to make it into a comic-book.

Dead Can Dance - The Carnival Is Over

Outside 

The storm clouds gathering, 

Moved silently along the dusty boulevard. 

Where flowers turning crane their fragile necks 

So they can in turn 

Reach up and kiss the sky. 

They are driven by a strange desire 

Unseen by the human eye 

Someone is calling. 

I remember when you held my hand 

In the park we would play when the circus came to town. 

Look! Over here. 

Outside 

The circus gathering 

Moved silently along the rainswept boulevard. 

The procession moved on the shouting is over 

The fabulous freaks are leaving town. 

They are driven by a strange desire 

Unseen by the human eye. 

The carnival is over 

We sat and watched 

As the moon rose again 

For the very first time.

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily - life is but a dream"

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

In Ancient Greek mythology, Proserpina the daughter of Demeter - goddess of the Harvest - ate a grenade apple in Hades, and was trapped to Hades for half of the year, since if you would eat anything in Hades, you would be doomed to spent the eternity there. While she was in Hades, the plants started to die, and winter came, because Proserpina's mother wept for her stolen daughter, and so Zeus ordered Proserpina to be returned to the world of the living. Still the damage was done, and so six months she spent in Hades ruling as the queen alongside the husband - she was forced to take. But when she was able to leave Hades for the half part of the year, the plants started to grow and spring came with her to the world of the living, as the mother and daughter were back together again.

As the leaf's cover our trail with gold, Proserpina is returning back into Hades. 

I had this painting - medieval art styled - about Hades and Proserpina. It's a perfect metaphor for my longing heart.

*

I've seen my friend and family after something that feels like a long time. That really made my week and I feel like I can go on for sometime with this. I'm usually on my own, so at times I need human contact. At least a bit after periods of solitude.

*

Today's thoughts were about reality. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but everything outside my apartment seems unreal. If it's the medication or the artist in me, that's how I feel.

Also another random thought of today: cat's do not appreciate antique. I got couple of amazing chairs for amazingly cheap, and my cat's think the chairs are for sharpening their claws...

*

Curiouser, curiouser...

Here's a couple of webshops I will put in mind the next time I have some extra coin:

shrunkenheaddotcom

http://www.etsy.com/shop/shrunkenheaddotcom

Masqueradesnbonesaws

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Masqueradesnbonesaws

Dellamorteco

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Dellamorteco

Sycamore Trees

Cinematic Nightmare

I'm not a mean or a bad person. But I'm still angry about how my previous relationship ended; what it meant, how I felt and what it did to me. It's still very fresh in my mind, so I sometimes get an urge to share some of the pain to help me feel better.

That is all.

*

All Hallows' Eve creeps nearer every day.

This year it will be more spectacular than before.

I'm also waiting for the local theatre's horror movie-marathon named Cinemare. It's been fun the past years.

“I sung of Chaos and Eternal Night, Taught by the heav'nly Muse to venture down The dark descent, and up to reascend"

"Even in my dreams You put me through Hell"

"I've tried everything I could

To make you see the good in me

I'm just sorry that I failed

Keep your empty tears"

- Voltaire "See you in Hell"

*

If a guy would lead a girl on with saying that he loves her and he wants to spend the rest of your lives together and get married someday and all that, and then he would start to say that he can't deal with your problems, that he can't stand adversities and calling you every day to say that he's not sure if he loves you, torturing you with those words day after day, until he finally, after a weeks of torture leaves her - to change his mind after few days and takes her back with hundreds of promises about love forever-lasting, until he finally for the final time leaves her saying that he never loved her, and she would do well to move on with her life as he did after a month of the breakup. That kind of guy would be considered to be a complete and utter bastard.

So what does all that make a girl, who did all that to a guy?

*

A horrifying turn to my day happened, when I dropped my old phone somewhere, and some thief took it for himself and sent nasty text messages to my friend and my sister...

I got the phone back with the help of my friend, who was very tough with the thief, and pressured him to give the phone back. The thief told me a story how he got the phone and how he was the innocent one and someone else was the thief, and I don't care about the "how" just as long as I got my phone back and no more harm was done with it.

*

Voltaire

"Almost Human"

What did I ever do to you,

That you should treat me this way?

Is it really such a crime,

For an angel to speak his mind?

In time I'll try to shed some light.

If I were a big boy I wouldn't cry,

But since I'm not a big boy I'll have to cry.

What did I ever do so wrong,

That you should cast me from grace.

Though I love to rule in hell here,

How I miss the taste of heaven,

Its soft and cool embrace.

If I were a big boy I wouldn't cry,

But since I'm not a big boy,

I'll have to close my eyes 

And picture what's it's like.

I'm just like you,

I'm made by him,

Despised by they,

I'm almost me.

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being.

I'm just like you,

Made by him,

Despised by they,

I'm almost me.

I'm nearly human,

Pity me I'm almost a human being.

I still remember your light,

And it was streaming down

And burning out my eyes.

If I were a big boy I wouldn't cry,

But since I'm not a big boy,

I'll have to close my eyes

And picture what it's like.

I'm just like you,

I'm made by him,

Despised by they,

I'm almost me.

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being

These tears are real,

I'm jealousy, I'm spite and hate,

To the core I'm mean.

I'm nearly human look at me

I'm almost a human being.

I'm just like you,

Better than he,

To hell with they.

I'm almost me,

I'm nearly human

Pity me I'm almost a human being.

Don't touch me,

I couldn't bear the thought of it now.

Don't touch me,

I couldn't bear the strength.

Don't touch me,

I couldn't bear the thought of it now.

Touch me touch me touch me,

Don't touch me touch me touch me.

That song reminds me of a unhappy relationship but mostly the book Paradise Lost by John Milton - fall of the Lucifer. And I really should save some money to get that book for myself, since I worship the illustrator Gustave Doré, who has made pictures for the Paradise Lost. 

Just lay your eyes on these beautiful, beautiful pictures and tell me how amazing Doré is. I could never be nearly as great, but I will collect every book he has made illustrations in, like Dante's Divine Comedy and some versions of the Bible. 

“Me miserable! Which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is hell; myself am hell;
And in the lowest deep a lower deep,
Still threat'ning to devour me, opens wide,
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven.” 

― John Milton, Paradise Lost

“O sun, to tell thee how I hate thy beams
That bring to my remembrance from what state I fell, how glorious once above thy sphere.”

― John Milton, Paradise Lost

"Let me see you Stripped down to the bone"

It would seem that I don't have a specific trail of thought with this post. Just a stream of thoughts.

My small precious home is coming together. I now have a table, and in the weekend I will get chairs for the table. It will be great to eat at a table. So that's the last piece of furniture I needed - and what fits my small yet cozy apartment. I feel really attached to my new home, since it's been a safe haven from all the bad things that have happened to me in the past year. This is my home now. I hope I can stay here at least as long as I feel this need to put my roots into the ground and just stay put and heal until I can deal with the world again.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

It seems that all the photographs I have now are several years old. I have only a handful of year old pictures. Sigh.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Since I've been so patient with only few coins in my bank account and using my imagination to feed myself, I shall gift myself with a bottle of red wine this weekend, since I'm getting my paycheck. Finally. 
The red wine "Versus" is probably my favourite, yet I'm the kind of guy who enjoys any kind of wine - especially any red wine.
Versus is a very smooth flavoured red wine without any strong flavours - it's not (too) sweet and there's no spicy taste to it. It's just very smooth and pleasant. It's delicious.

Versus Red

So I should pick something new again. Tasting different kinds of wines for finding a wine I like doesn't apply to me, but just tasting different types of wine stops me from drinking the same kind time after time.

I've never been the kind of guy who gets excited by eating or drinking or just excited by any kind of food or drink. I could - and I can - eat the same kind of food from year after year. I don't invest in the quality of food. I have no idea what the world of gourmet is like. I just eat to live. Although some foods and drinks do have an affect on my mood, yet the time for each of them varies greatly. Sometimes I get a craving for something, yet after a while, the craving ceases. 

Yet in other ways I am a hedonist. I feed my soul with music, art and great stories - in literature or movies or anything at all. That's why I sometimes can spend too much money on things that feed my soul but not my physical self. It's sometimes a tricky way of life, because in this world, I have to choose between feeding myself spiritually or feeding myself physically. Food is expensive as are the arts. At times it's not an easy decision. Although I'm not a starving artist just yet.

Greed is one of the seven sins

Oh, I'm so taken by the spam websites that "watch" my blog 100 times a month. I feel so special...

*

And now I have to admit, that if I don't stop buying things and pay the already bought things, I might get into trouble, if something would happen to my current financial situation. So now I won't buy anything except couple cheap things per month and pay the already bought purchases, so I won't have to feel stressed.

I have a rule, that if I buy something expensive or several things, and I start to get a teensy bit worried how the rest of the month will go after I've spent a lot of money, I can't regret it. I have to enjoy the things I have already bought. Stressing or regretting is just waste of time and takes the joy out of the gift you've given yourself. Life's hard, things can get hellish, so why not enjoy the little things.

Or as one wise man once said: 

"Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it. Don't wait for it. Just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot black coffee."

Since I don't have a camera, which is one of the expensive things I should get, and I really need one, I have to copy these purchases from the webshop, I bought them from: http://www.pulju.net/shop/
I can recommend that shop to my countrymen. There's a lot of interesting stuff there.

I also bought brain-icemould, but I couldn't find it from the webshop anymore. Maybe it's still there somewhere.

I also wanted something luxurious so I bought myself a bathrobe. I have never owned a bathrobe. This will come in handy.
And it seems my cat likes how soft it is, since he's been sleeping on my lap for quite some time now.

And the most expensive and luxurious item I got was a modern gramophone designed to be used also as a cd-player.

(EDIT 9.12.2013: I had to change the picture since the webshop seemed to not appreciate free commercializing and the pictures don't work no more. So here's way too dark picture of my gramophone, so I will someday share a better picture of it.)

I have to admit, that this gramophone is now one of my most precious treasures. I have always wanted a gramophone, but at first I thought about getting antique one, but since this is modern and plays cd's, it's in many ways a lot better.  

*

I used to think that I'm not a materialist. I didn't have much possessions, mostly because I was poor, and I was so used to it, that I didn't realistically thought that I could get anything I sometimes thought I would want.

But with these several years I have collected many things that I have always wanted to have, but didn't think I could ever have them or even really want to have them.

And now I find a lot of interesting objects; books, movies, decor, that I find fascinating.

>> http://www.potterybarn.com/shop/dinnerware-entertaining/halloween-entertaining/?cm_type=gnav <<

The American Pottery Barn. Heard a lot about it in tv-shows and whatnot, but accidentally ran into their website: awesome Halloween stuff.

"After a gruesome murder in a small town, a fun-loving FBI agent drinks many cups of coffee and has strange dreams."

Rated G - cartoons of popular movies & TV shows - Imgur

Rated G - cartoons of popular movies & TV shows

Funny as hell!

http://www.jublin.com/

Go check this out.

"Hear, speak, breathe, eat, crave, pour, drink, need"

The amazing brain.

(Phrenology Brain Model)

The nervous system can be so easily manipulated by medicine. If something doesn't work, you just intercept the nonworking parts with certain chemicals, and they change the way your brain is working. It's amazing when you think about it.

For unmentioned reasons, but very accurate for the ponderings of today, here's a test for my countrymen - and women - about which side of your brain is the most dominate; left side or the right side.

It was not surprise I got the "right side" as the result.
And here's what it means to get the right side and what it means to get the left side. We all know that it's said, that the left side of the brain is more calculating and the right side is artistic.

LEFT	RIGHT
Logical	Emotional
Concentrates on details	Sees the whole picture
Factual	Imaginative
Words and speech	Symbols and images
Present and past	Present and future
Math and science	Philosophy and religion
Knowledge	Emotion
Awknowledge	Appreciation
Order/Percieving patterns	Spatial perceiving
Knows the objects name	Knows the objects function
Based on reality	Based on fantasy
Forms strategies	Presents possibilities
Rational	Reckless
Reliable	Takes risks

http://www.teknolelu.fi/tiede/kumpi-aivopuolisko-hallitsee-sinua/

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/brainblogger/3137589099)

Also this talk about brains fits well for something I have been recently doing. For not sounding too ominous, I'll reveal this much: it's studying. Not Frankenstein-type of studying, just the ordinary kind of studying.