"Wandering companionless among the stars"

(Copyrights belong to me)

I thought about updating the current state of my social life. I haven't written anything about it since there's nothing to write about. Already 28 years old, only one real-enough relationship behind me, and even that lasted about a year. The common trait with me and people I've liked is that the feelings of affections were always unanswered - like with the first and last relationship I had. One-sided loves and me being used in some form or another. And now I've been by myself for the last four years. At first I craved for someone, not anymore. I've spent most of my life alone and you can get used to that. It takes time but you can find peace with it. I've never had any luck with other people, I don't know how to interact with others, and although I try to be kind and polite, it's not enough. It's no one's fault. I lack something other people have and cannot form relationships with anyone.

Still I managed to learn that one problem is me being asexual, which I've written about before. I suspect sexuality has something to do with interacting romantically with others. Like I've written before, it doesn't affect how I care for other people, but without it I probably lack some of the tools to interact with people I might be interested in. It shouldn't affect friendships yet I cannot seem to form even those.

Now I lack the energy and mostly the will to get to know other people. Even if I knew how, I feel too tired for that. Most of the time I feel like I don't even want that. But there have been few times when I have thought about it. But that's about it. It feels odd to read and hear about people's lives when they write about their romances and their social life. I can barely imagine what it's like.

So about four years now without almost any social life. Thankfully I have my siblings and few close friends to keep me sane enough. But no romances, no dating, no new friends, nothing. It doesn't bother me anymore, after all you can get used to it. I feel that it's part of my life. What I never had, I cannot miss.

(Copyrights belong to me)

Passacaglia

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep"

 Old pictures from years long since passed.

(Young forest near one of my old walking routes, I wonder how tall the trees are by now) 

(More trees, less scenery. I tend to notice details more. Old route, dear route.)

(Small stream in the forest - man-made stream but beautiful, since it had life of its own)

I'ts been years since I've done anything interesting or fun.

Many years ago I have been laying on a frozen field, covered in snow, middle of the night, under the stars and the moon. Just watching the sky above.

I have walked to a small isle in the middle of the river, went to the east end to watch the sun rise after a sleepless summer night.

I have climbed the highest trees and hills, watched the scenery of thousand trees and far way glimmering lakes.

I have followed unknown roads and paths to see where they would lead me.

I have done that and much more. Small things compared to many, but meaningful and enjoyable things. And it's been years since I've done them. I am always so tired that I cannot do anything now. 

(Tiny piece of my favourite route.)

"Next stop: Everywhere!"

"Doctor Who". There's not many who haven't heard of the tv-show. There are hardcore-fans and people who are ordinary fans. I'm an ordinary fan, who heard about the show, checked it and liked it. Someone told me to watch it with a "twinkle in my eye", which is a horrible translation from Finnish to English, but what it means is that you shouldn't take it too seriously. You cannot expect a lot, because it is made with a small budget and the story and script isn't pure gold, but it is very good. For me I liked it the first time I saw it but I like it even more each time I watch it.

But I must admit I belong to the group of people who do not like much of the newer episodes with Matt Smith. For me it isn't the new Doctor that bothers me. Something has changed about the show, and I cannot put my finger on the exact problem I have with it. Of course there's the completely new Doctor now, 2014-2016, Peter Capaldi, but I haven't watched many of the new episodes to say if they are any good. 

I won't write a review, I leave that to other people, I just shortly introduce the show as one of the best scifi tv-shows of this century. It's a show that makes you smile and leaves you with a good mood. But it also has some touching stories not to mention horrors, that especially grab my attention.

My favourite episodes that include many great elements and are very well executed are "The empty child" and "Impossible planet". Many of the old episodes remind me of one other great tv-show: "The Twilight zone". If anyone reading this hasn't yet given a chance to "Doctor Who", I recommend that you give it a proper chance - emphasis on the word "proper". If you watch it with an open mind, you might find a new adventure.

*

If this doesn't pique your curiosity, nothing will.

Ensh'eass Woéd

Plastic insects painted with gold paint and glued onto a frame I've found from some flea-market.

 Finished and unfinished diy-projects. And my camera is still broken but now more so. I have to keep it together to take pictures. Such a headache and I cannot afford a new one.

My little "laboratory", which consists of different laboratory-type of bottles that I've found, gotten for free or paid couple euro's for.

 Unfinished tray. Saw one like it in the internet and thought making one for myself. It was black tray with ouija-board painted on it. Looked cool. Mine -- not so much "cool" but as soon as I've finished it will be enough for me.

Glass bell-jar on a glass plate glued to a glass candlestick.

"Elgara vallas, da'len, Melava somniar, Mala taren aravas Ara ma'desen melar"

(Copyrights belong to me)

Trying out different medications. Unable to work at the moment, but need to return back within two weeks time. Trying to relax, played some games, but all is for naught with this anxiety, which I blame on my medication. Different medication and different way it works in me. Difficult to write about it, but I hope few minor adjustments would help me get back where I was if not help me get a bit better.

But it is tough to abandon all your future dreams and ambitions. I must admit that this is my life now, and who knows it will be my life for the rest of my life. There might be no way for me to get any better. Depression had become such a large part of me, like a cancer - sorry about the metaphor cancer-patients, but it feels fitting to call it that. I guess only depressed understand other depressed people.

Anyway, there's not much to write about. with the sudden bursts of energy I managed to start painting few paintings, but all of it has to wait till I feel better with this anxiety that takes all my time and energy.

"Last night a moth came to my bed, And filled my tired weary head, With horrid tales of you, I can't believe it's true"

(My Hannibal-inspired decoration)

Finished and unfinished diy-projects:

(Oblivion and Skyrim inspired books and "statue" of Nocturnal - unfinished, a fossil-hand and an unfinished vampire-slayer kit)

Some are inside shelves behind.. things, so I just took some pictures the best I could and mostly with a flash. Sorry about that. Also my camera is broken, so it's hard to use it for more than few seconds at time.

My unfinished vampire-slayer kit. Contains different kinds of bottles, one wooden stick, sharpened into a stake, toy-gun, some kind of saw, religious stuff like a bible, crosses and so forth. The box needs a layer of paint and I still haven't figured out how to assemble the things inside it. Cheap to make especially if you get lucky and find a wooden chest from a dumpster. Insanely lucky, especially if you're poor like me. I just look for other slayer kits and figure out how to assemble mine.

(Diy-fireplace and "antique" globe)

A diy-fireplace; a bit unfinished. Not the best looking one, I know. It looks so much better without the flash, since it's usually dim lighting in here. Also the "stonewall" need some shine in them, so I need to buy some kind of paint that makes it shine and look more like stone. To make your own fireplace, I recommend you to google it with the words "do it yourself". There's some good instructions out there, I usually improvise everything with what I have or what I can find as cheap as possible.

Average plastic blue earth-globe painted to look a bit older with gold-paint and white and ochre-color paint. You don't need much of the paint so it's quite cheap to make, if you can find a crappy globe with decent price - unlike I did.

Part of me feels like I should explain why a guy is interested in making stuff like these, but I won't. I think I've written about it before, at some other blog-post, so that'll do.

A little warmth in the midst of cold

Purgatory

Gustave Doré-illustration of Dante Alighieri's "Divine Comedy"

"Undead, undead, undead"

I'm still alive. Perhaps one day I will update something in here, but I haven't felt like writing for quite some time now. I was surprised to see that there's been 10 000 visitors in my blog, which is unnerving and interesting at the same time. I doubt there's much anything of interest in the contents yet I do like sharing blogs and such. Especially the ones where people have made things with their own hands, DIY-projects, Halloween-stuff and all kinds of things. So perhaps I will share some of my projects in the (near) future. To put some more content in this blog.

Oh, and what happens when Jill Tracy and "Bauhaus" combine musical talents: Click to youtube music video "Bela Lugosi's dead".