In the Shadow of our Pale Companion

The poem I added to my last post was one of the poems I need to write an essay about. It's really frustrating. This takes too much time. I have so many assignments to do and it's frustrating to get stuck on something that I don't enjoy doing and it requires a lot of work, like background information. I don't have the energy for this.

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It seems my medication has increased my distress. My therapist told me that the medication is to blame. I had been wondering why I'm so distressed, so it's good to know why I feel so awful. Though since I talked with the therapist today I feel alright now. But who knows for how long.

It's probably a pain to read text written by a depressed person. I cannot help the way I see the world right this moment. 

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One of my all time favourite bands: Agalloch. 
I usually listen to their songs at late fall and winter. It's amazing to walk in a blizzard while listening to their folkish metal. It's like traveling in some other world.

*

I got the camera. I tried it, and it works just fine. My own skills are lacking, but I'll learn as well as I can with the time I have for it.
It still brings me a little bit of joy.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Poisonous

W. B.Yeats

THE SAD SHEPHERD 

There was a man whom Sorrow named his Friend,

And he, of his high comrade Sorrow dreaming,

Went walking with slow steps along the gleaming

And humming Sands, where windy surges wend:

And he called loudly to the stars to bend

From their pale thrones and comfort him, but they

Among themselves laugh on and sing alway:

And then the man whom Sorrow named his friend

Cried out, Dim sea, hear my most piteous story!

The sea Swept on and cried her old cry still,

Rolling along in dreams from hill to hill.

He fled the persecution of her glory

And, in a far-off, gentle valley stopping,

Cried all his story to the dewdrops glistening.

But naught they heard, for they are always listening,

The dewdrops, for the sound of their own dropping.

And then the man whom Sorrow named his friend

Sought once again the shore, and found a shell,

And thought, I will my heavy story tell

Till my own words, re-echoing, shall send

Their sadness through a hollow, pearly heart;

And my own tale again for me shall sing,

And my own whispering words be comforting,

And lo! my ancient burden may depart.

Then he sang softly nigh the pearly rim;

But the sad dweller by the sea-ways lone

Changed all he sang to inarticulate moan

Among her wildering whirls, forgetting him.

"What if all the world's inside of your head, Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Difficulties with concentration. I'm trying to study, but it's quite difficult. Analyzing poems is really difficult. I'm getting a headache.

I'm also very tired. Been tired for two days now. I wish I could just sleep through this dark winter. I've liked the fact that it's been a bit snowy lately and that the weather's been clear and beautiful, but still I'm so tired all the time, that I can't get anything done.

On a lighter note I bought myself a used old battery-based camera. I'll be able to do some quick artistic works with it, so that's a good news for me. I don't have time to do any art now that I'm working and then studying - or trying to - in my free time. After I get the camera and I get the chance to go take some pictures I'll share some of them here. It will be a nice chance to get some new pictures taken. All I have left are old, old photos. Very nostalgic and precious to me, but really old.

"Right where it belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all...
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

The Crown of an Elk

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

I'm taking a bigger antidepressant dosage now - a bit bigger dosage. It's starting to work so I start to feel relieved once again.

I'm also slowly going into a hermit-mode. I'm starting to feel like I felt two years ago. A hermit who just does whatever he wants whenever he wants, living quietly by myself and enjoying it. I just get some interesting stuff for my house (I'm slowly trying to build a "mad scientist laboratory" for myself), watch movies and a couple of TV-series, eat and drink whatever I want and I've been trying to go for a walk in the weekends, but fortunately I've had social gatherings so I have enjoyed them instead, but otherwise I'm really deep in my own zone. It's starting to feel weird when I go somewhere where there's a lot of people, like stores and the town center. I don't think I feel anxious, but it just feels odd.

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I've also finally decided the kind of tattoo I want. I've been planning for years, changing the idea's and locations every now and then, but now I believe I have a solid idea that requires nothing more than the funding.
Of course I will get back to the subject if and when I get the money for it.
I believe it's smart to get a small or average sized tattoo when you're the so called "tattoo-virgin", that you have no ink yet. For me it's always been about the money, but it's also been about the idea. As an artist - of sorts - I feel that I need to have something of my own in the picture. The tattooist makes it theirs when they put it on my skin, but before that the design has to have something of mine. The idea must come from me. I wouldn't want to force any artist to do any of my own drawn pictures, since that would be just copying. I want them to use their own talents at that point on, when they take the idea of it.
But I will update the situation when I know it will happen.

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And another thing is that I'm currently looking for some really really cheap camera's - because I can't afford a good one now - nor later. I've been missing photographing for two years. It's kind of an instant artistic-relief. Just to take a camera and go outside. I've really missed that. Painting and drawing needs time that I don't have now that I'm studying - what would apparently be high school studies - on my free time after work.

I've made a couple of book finds, which are just great, and I've also for the first time bought myself a Joulu-tree. I don't want to use the word "Christmas" so "Joulu" is my country's equivalent but with the old pagan heritage and not the modern christian-nonsense. Apologizes, christian people. I just find the forced destruction of the old ways disturbing, and I don't want to endorse it. I rather take my own heritage and my family's traditions and mix them together. This subject would be a long one if I'd want to write about it, but I don't. This will do.

"The plastic face forced to portray, all the insides left cold and gray"

Normally at this time of the year I would be spending my weekends walking in the nature with a camera. I had this one crappy old digital camera, that me and my siblings got from a relative, who apparently thought that we would appreciate her old crappy camera when she buys a new better one for herself. A real benefactor. But the camera wasn't any good and so most of my photographs are technically unsound.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Sorry for sounding bitter. My medication is wearing off so I'm getting into a foul mood. Like my whole body was a one huge raw wound. It's no surprise the medication doesn't work anymore since after a misunderstanding I've been taking a lot less than I was supposed to. It still worked for a while.
Now I'm starting to take a bigger dosage. Hopefully it will have the desired effect. I'm so tired of this up and down affect. I get to taste the relieving normality before I come crashing down into this state that I do not want to think about. This is horrifying. I live on the edge of a knife when this gets bad. My reality starts to crack and I don't know what to do with myself. I was afraid that this up and down with medication would be a continuing problem, but the nurse that I'm seeing told me that with the right medication it shouldn't happen. I clutch on to that thought. 

The Day The World Went Away

I'd listen to the words he'd say

but in his voice I heard decay

the plastic face forced to portray

all the insides left cold and gray

there is a place that still remains

it eats the fear it eats the pain

the sweetest price he'll have to pay

the day the whole world went away

"In the blur of Serenity where did everything get Lost? The Flowers of Naivete buried in a layer of Frost - The Smell of Sunshine, I remember sometimes"

Today's the international Father's Day. I haven't written here much lately, since I've been thinking about writing something personal. More personal than sexuality or my depression. Something that some of the people in the world have experienced, and know of and some might be even interested in reading about it. But I found out that I am unable to write the things down. I think about it in my head, I make the sentences I could write, but I can't write them. I can't say them. And I guess I feel pressured for some reason, so I've been avoiding my own blog. It's almost as if I would think that I might force myself into doing something unpleasant. Which is ridiculous.

I also noticed yesterday, that I can't speak about some of the people I had to leave behind in the summer. I cannot say their names anymore. I can think about that and a lot of hard things, but I cannot talk about them. I really hope I will be able to find the words in therapy. If I can't tell the therapist about those things, they might come to the conclusion that I won't need their assistance. The things I was able to tell, with some difficulty and vague words, were not understood completely since there's a lot more behind the things I said. The things I said will not seem like uncommon or more or less nontrivial problems, because I wasn't able to tell the whole story. I guess I'm writing about this because I find this whole thing shocking. And I'm still writing about the things I know since there are other people fighting their own personal demons, and they might find the fact of having other's doing the same comforting.

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Sol Invictus - In a Garden Green

This is love, This is hate 

This is chance, This is fate 

These the rich, These the poor 

This is peace, This is war 

In a Garden Green

This is dark, This is light 

This is wrong, This is right 

These the strong, These the weak 

These awake, These asleep 

In a Garden Green

These to hide, These to seek 

These to laugh, these to weep 

These build , these destroy 

This a girl, This a boy 

In a Garden Green

These are flowers, These are weeds 

These are healthy , These diseased 

These will bloom, These will rot 

This the tomb, This the cot 

This a path, This a wall 

This a plough, This a sword 

This is marble, This is clay 

This a throne, This a grave 

In a Garden Green

Is God Good 

is God Bad 

Is God Happy 

Is God Sad 

Is God Honest 

is God Sly 

Is God alive 

or did God Die 

In a Garden Green

And one of the saddest songs from Nine Inch Nails, "All the love in the world". When I feel like I'm sinking into the depths of the Great Below, Nine Inch Nails will be there to take me down. Even though Trent Reznor makes really depressing and sad music, he makes one of the most beautiful sounds with the most touching lyrics in the world. Desperation, melancholy and beauty go seamlessly together.

Nine Inch Nails - All the Love in the World

Watching all the insects march along

seem to know just right where they belong

smears a face reflecting in the chrome

hiding in the crowd I'm all alone

no one's heard a single word I've said

they don't sound this good outside my head

it looks as though the past is here to stay

I've become a million miles a...

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

all the jagged edges disappear

colors all look brighter when you're near

the stars are all afire in the sky

sometimes I get so lonely I could...

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

why do you get all the love in the world?

In a Blink of a Star

A bit fuzzy picture my friend took with her camera. Better than nothing, because here you can see the amazing pumpkin she carved. Just amazing.

And now I have the tickets to the Cinemare-event. I'm excited and a bit terrified all at once. I don't usually go out, and when I do, I lose all control of the environment and comfort. And it's not just that I'm expecting to be annoyed by people's rudeness, it's going to happen. All I need is a one person to be really rude, and it's always going to be me, who has to suffer with it. 

I guess today I'm feeling like the opposite of people-person.
Hopefully tomorrow night is going to be a fun and pleasant evening without any idiots ruining other people's night. 

"Turn your thoughts away, From cold, unfeeling light, And listen to the Music of the Night"

More thinking.

I have time to think. No social activities, just me and time.

And since I feel more stable, I can think about certain things. But my well being resides on me not thinking about anything bad and just keeping my focus on anything good.
I'm afraid that when I feel good and at least stable, that the therapist will say that I don't need their services. It's not like I can just list all the things that have affected me. When you keep things to yourself, it's not easy to talk about them.
 Talking with a stranger, even to a stranger who seems approving and willing to hear me is really difficult. I've already felt like I don't deserve any kind of therapy. Every doctor and nurse keeps reminding me about the lines they have, the demand, the people who need their help. I just wanted to talk about my demons to someone who's willing to listen. I thought that talking about the things, I've never had the chance to talk about, might help me put those things behind me. But if the world wants me to eat the drugs until I can live with myself and my demons again, without confronting them and just oppressing them more into my subconsciousness, I'll do that. I just can't deal with the guilt. I know there are lines and I know there must be thousands of patients who need therapy a lot more than me. I don't need persuading that I'm not an urgent patient. I thought about saying that to the therapist next time. I want to know if they there feel like I'm wasting their time and should stick to eating medication. 

After all my medication is working now, and I heard, that 
I was supposed to eat double of what I eat now. I was surprised, since I kept fearing that the medication wouldn't work. I don't mind the situation. Less medication means less poison into my body. I guess my previous medication didn't sit well with me. Or I'm starting to get pass the first bad waves I had concerning my loneliness and the messy break-up. But there's two weeks left until the highest effect of the medication starts to wear off, and I've felt the change happening, yet I hope I can keep the dosage and nothing bad happens.

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I'm also thinking that I might not want kids even if I would ever find myself in a relationship. I do not find children necessary, nor do I find them particularly cute, so I lack the necessary qualities that make people want to have kids of their own. 
 I knew this one 3-year old kid, who was a really nice kid, and we played hide-and-seek and built fortresses from pillows, and of course I will like the future-nephew's and other kids I might come acquainted with (especially if I ever get to university to become a teacher), but I don't think I would ever want kids of my own.
 Especially crying babies freak me out. I use the word "freak", since when they cry like something was eating them, it sounds really creepy. I have never heard any sound as creepy as that. Especially when you are in the same space and the cry pierces the air all around you, and you can't leave. It really makes me feel stressed.
 I think this subject came to mind, since I'm watching this horror movie (in celebration of Halloween) where there's almost in every scene a crying baby. I don't really feel sorry for the baby, especially since it's most likely a crying sound coming from a recorder (they don't make babies cry if they need that crying-sound). It's not a scary effect, it doesn't create anything but annoyance.
 Hm, I really don't want to sound like a children-hater, but I'm finding hard to describe what I mean correctly. Most likely other people who feel about this as I do, can understand what I'm trying to say.

I've been just thinking about building my own future that I will spend by myself - and all of this is realism, not whiny pessimism - and I was thinking about making a shelter for homeless pets. Pet shelter's are always needed, and after some local situations, I though that this idea might be great. I love animals, I hate it when people kill and abuse them for various excuses and there's not enough people who rescue them. So this is something I'm thinking about to keep my mind in a good place. Something to focus on, when I plan for my future.

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Also now that the Halloween is over, almost all candy has been eaten, and I've already taken down the decorations (they've been up since October the first) I'm slowly turning to Christmas, celebration of artificial lights. I'm hoping to purchase a plastic christmas tree for myself in a couple of weeks. You know, for my own delight. And most likely for my cat's delight. Although I hope that they don't start eating the tree.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)