Ulver - Shadows of the Sun

Some might not like Ulver, and there's some albums and songs I don't care for as much, but the fitting "summer is ending"- music can be found from the album "Shadows of the sun".

Especially dark, haunting and beautiful is the song "Funebre":

There is a circle
Around the cross

A flight of steps

Into the earth

A black hole

A string of music

Hung from a willow

Weeping

Over the wood

And the bones

Burning

In memory of

A missing person

An angel

A flight of ravens

Into the sunset

The Thrill Has Gone

Sol Invictus is an interesting dark neofolk band. I can almost travel back in time, to the medieval ages while listening to it.

Besides the tight heavy metal that makes you want to bang your head up and down, Black Sabbath has some piercingly touching songs. This one song in particular caused some heart ache.

There was a hole here - it's gone now

I'm the kind of person who likes horror movies. Movies from the 80's like Halloween, Hellraiser, Friday the 13th, which are campy and at times make you laugh or snicker at the stupidity of the characters or because of the funny movie effects, which aren't raising feelings of horror - if that even was the filmmakers intention. And Asian horror is great too, movies like Shutter, The Grudge, The Ring, which are all psychological horror, that makes your hair stand and cause goosebumps all over your skin.
And there's also artistic or suspending horrors like Suspiria, Rosemary's baby, the original Wickerman and good old science fiction horror, like The Thing and Alien-movies. Also many more to be mentioned in many different categories.

But I do not care for splatter or gore. They're usually for one-time watching only. They're not funny, they do not cause fear, they're just gruesomely violent and bloody. There seems to be more blood in those movies, than actual bleeding victims.
And usually the whole point of those kind of movies is to make the viewer queasy by showing the most imaginative acts of violence possible.

I can understand the point of view, when someone watches those kind of violent movies out of curiosity or to try to endure watching horrifying things, but those kind of movies are sometimes without any story or definitely without any moral of the story.

I started to think about this when I decided to check out the newer version of Evil Dead (2013):

It was visually good looking, and I liked the musics in it, but it was nothing more than a bloody massacre with demons in the background. It was so filled with violence, that it started to get comical forms. I mean if you get stabbed a dozen times, you probably wouldn't survive or even remain consciousness while you're bleeding like a stuck pig - and still get stabbed with all sort of sharp objects. Ridiculous.
And in the end, the amount of blood got even more ridiculous forms. Not to mention the forced catch-phrase before the survival kills the monster. That kind of catch-phrasing should be left for action movies only. After all, action movies are half of the time made with a twinkle in the eye. But seriously made horror movies gets their ratings dropped even lower if there's a out of place un- or intentional comical moment.

*

Even more than the horror movies I like horror games. Not only the terror intensifies when you're in charge of the story, but there's usually a fascinating and haunting story, that leaves you perplexed and breathless in the end.

And for example I could give you the first four Silent Hill-games that were made by the original team called team Silent.
There meets the amazing story line, musics and atmosphere creating an experience that you will not forget. It's an art form to create amazing stories with moral, mystery, empathy and amazement.

Silent Hill will always have a special place in my heart for being the first horror games I ever played and watched being played.

"In my restless dreams, I see that town... Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again some day... but you never did. Well, I'm alone there now - in our special place... waiting for you."

  Misty day, remains of the Judgment.  

Any place but here

I'm trying to make quick paintings. Impasto-styled or otherwise not-so-accurate. To me, the homey, cozy feeling comes from pictures on the wall.

And I'm being really patient with waiting for my payday so I could buy things to get the paintings hanging from the walls. And before I can do that, I also have to wait for my landlord to stop by to greet me. After that I can put all the questionable and shady books back to the shelves and otherwise make the apartment look more like me. I can't help it, that I'm fascinated by dark, shady, odd and objectionable things and themes. Only the people who know me, know that what I like or what I find interesting doesn't make me a satan's worshipper.

Talking about satanical things, there's a great movie on television tonight. Those who haven't watched the scifi horror movie "The Thing" from 1982, should definitely put that movie in mind.

Some find the 80's monster amusing, and maybe they are a little bit of that too, but they are also masterpieces. I like the old self-made monsters more than the CGI-versions of today. When there's a real plastic-made monster it really looks like its in the room with the actors. Computer-effects are not yet as far advanced to make a real impact, but I can't wait when the time comes, when the movie monsters are starting to look more real, and more in the environment they are supposed be.

 "I know I'm human. And if you were all these things, then you'd just attack me right now, so some of you are still human. This thing doesn't want to show itself, it wants to hide inside an imitation. It'll fight if it has to, but it's vulnerable out in the open. If it takes us over, then it has no more enemies, nobody left to kill it. And then it's won."

Again there's only Me and miss Moon

There's only the Moon keeping me company, peeking through the curtains, reminding me of all the winter nights outside, in the white-blue scenery, having a roof of midnight blue and stars, surrounded by the true night, looking at the Moon and hoping that someday I would find my place in this world.

And I'm still searching for that place.

Celestial Season- Vienna

Quicksand swallowed all my gold

(Copyrights to these pictures belong to yours truly)

For my disappointment I have lost every picture I took after 2012 summer. All the original copies were on the computer of the person-who-must-not-be-named. So they are forever lost to me. It's a shame, but since I'm just an amateur photographer, I guess the loss wasn't too great...

(Copyrights to these pictures belong to yours truly.)

And I lost all my bookmarks containing books and movies and all sort of nick-knacks I was going to buy. I still lack some household things I need to purchase.

Once upon a stormy night, the thunder caused quite a fright

I've always been told to 

remember this:

Don't let a kiss fool you

Never marry for love

I've lately been listening to Tom Waits album "Real gone", which sounds like voodoo-gypsy party drumming in my ears and dancing behind my eyes.

I've heard much ruckus and praise about Tom Waits, so I thought it was a about time I found out what it's all about.

I don't know what the other albums are like, but I did like this one.

It has been a long time since I - or probably anyone - saw the sun with its glory. And now it's gracefully shining into my apartment.
I have the weekends off, so I'd like the summer to last as long as possible for me to enjoy the little free time I have. Cold rainy days makes exploring my new-found forests and riverbanks unpleasant. I mean, that after a month the fall has arrived, and cool air and rains are coming either way, so at least these final summer days should be filled with warmth and sunlight. I have a long, lonely fall and winter ahead of me, so getting few weeks worth of beautiful weather should not be too much to ask.

Death In June - Fall Apart

Can't quench your desire, a little passion for fire

I've learned something about myself in the last fall, as I found myself falling in love. A tragic tale, which I won't tell here. Needless to say it's over just like all the love stories in my life.

I can love with burning passion, but I cannot make love with passion.
That's when I understood I was lacking one characteristic feature of an average person. No sexual desire. Desire yes, but that doesn't go as far as sexual desire.

It's a painful situation. To have a heart capable of such intense passion, to be able to adore someone so deeply and thoroughly, but since I'm lacking something that some might feel to be essential to relationship, I'm troubled if love would be enough without certain passionate aspects. Will I be able to find the one, who could finally be able to love me. It's always me, who is deeply in love and get my heart ripped into pieces.

Sometimes I feel like I have all the qualities of an angel or demon. Gender, sexuality and interests - I fall in the middle and outside of it all. I don't have to lack a specific gender to be peculiar enough. Sometimes I fear I already might be too peculiar cloaked with the most common appearance.

But as for the dualistic charasteristics between angel and demon - I have no idea which category I should belong to.

Elend - O Solitude

Music for castle's and mansions. Or for a night at home with flickering candle light creating deep shadows into the corners of the room, while a full moon peeks inside from the window.

Old dusty books covered in spiderwebs

I'm a collector of old books. Old and beautiful books. I have old and old looking newer books containing history, Dostojevski and Shakespeare. And many more I want to buy. Waiting for me in Ebay.

I got some problem with the next payment from my job, so I missed a beautiful book on Ebay, because my reason stopped me from going too far. I would have to eat dust, if I would've bought the book, because I would be broke.
It still stings though. Not a day passes without me wishing that I was a millionaire. Oh well...

Since my early youth I've had this crazy dream of owning a castle, but it's a dream, since in reality owning a castle would be horrible. I mean think about the electric bills you'd have to pay or how on Earth would you keep the thing clean.

*

                                                                

It took some time to get motivated, but I finally finished a painting. It was a painted with palette knife with thick paint impasto-style. I have this idea of few paintings with the theme of a castle in the night, so I'm making couple more and also finishing one that I already started, but never finished:

And other paintings are under work. I'm making my aparment into my own "castle".

Carpathian Forest - Cold Murderous Music

Blinding lights and thundering sounds in the darkest of rooms

Finally I got the last months paycheck! Unfortunately it wasn't as much as I expected it to be, so I'm checking if it's correct or not.

And I accidentally bought few not-so-cheap t-shirts from Ebay... I put them into the shopping cart so I wouldn't forget to buy them at some point (I have too much items on my watch-list so I didn't use it), and when I bought a black ring - that's supposed to be some international asexuality-sign, I bought everything in the shopping cart, even when it was possible to take some of the items off. I might have bought them late at night, because nothing else explains that mistake... Though, now that I think about it, I'm the type of guy who does stuff like this. It's really annoying.

Although I'm kinda happy that even though I used more money than usually, the t-shirts are kinda cool, and of my taste. But I won't show them here, because I get no pleasure out of showing of my clothes :D I leave that to women or anyone else who gets pleasure posing for the cameras like a model. But what I do enjoy is buying entertainment, oddities and beautiful artistic things. So I might show some of them here. Share my joy.

I'm also few movies and tv-shows richer now.

I bought the Fly-movie collection,

Old Star Wars I-III (or are they now IV, V, VI),

Walking Dead Season 1,

Game of thrones Season 1,

Planet of the apes -collection box,

Also I bought The Lord of the rings trilogy, some old campy frog horror movie, and Ironman-movie.

What can I say, I'm a fan of horror, scifi and action. The more bizarre and wild idea, the more I'm most likely going to like it.

And I'm finally watching the final Batman movie directed by Christopher Nolan. I wasn't expecting much of it (I was disappointed in the actress-choice for Catwoman), so I didn't see this movie in the theatre.

Yet I loved the earlier Christopher Nolan's Batman-movies and of course the ones Tim Burton directed. Michelle Pfeiffer is my favourite Catwoman with the emphasis of the "woman" (when I compare her to Anne Hathaway). Sexy, evil and mad as a hatter vixen, who's strong and sneaky enough to kick any supervillains ass.

And now that I have warmed up with talking about the Batman-movie franchise, I need to mention the amazing, addicting gaming franchise: Batman Arkham.

Batman Arkham Asylum,

Batman Arkham city,

And there's more coming.
I'm not going to make a speech about their excellency, I'm just going to say, that if the dark world of Batman interests you, you will love these games to the death. I can't oversell these games enough.

The Cure - A strange day

A dancing couples in the dark blue summer night

After a long pause with painting, I felt ready to start again.

Since I have a new home, I want to paint new things to hang on the walls.

I've been dreaming a lot lately at nights, but not remembering the dreams. Pleasant dreams, I think. What I do remember from last night is, that I had a polaroid camera (which is something I've wanted for quite some time now) and I was taking pictures of myself with it. I wonder what that means - if it would even mean anything. Maybe it means that I am looking or I need to look into myself now, after my life has changed from being in a relationship into what it was before. It was a lot of heart ache for me, since I was the one who got used, tricked and lied to. Maybe I need to figure out my future plans or find my place in the world again.

*

                                                        (Oscar Parviainen - This picture belongs to the website of city of Joensuu)

My favourite Finnish painter - Oscar Parviainen.
After I saw a exhibit of his paintings in the art museum of Joensuu, I was mesmerized by his works. Thick layers of paint in impressionist style with contents of skulls, nights, dancing pagans and satyr's, underground catacombs of Paris. All painted with the most vivid colours. Breathtaking.

          (Oscar Parviainen - This picture belongs to Ainola.fi)

 (Oscar Parviainen - This picture belongs to the website of city of Joensuu)

And this is the impressionist touch I want to try while making paintings for my walls. I especially like the beautiful maiden and skeletons around her. It's the perfect metaphor for fleeing beauty and youth.

Ulver - Blinded by Blood (Illustrations by H.R. Giger)

Summer's end creeps nearer

Summer is the only season I wait for anxiously and yet it is so short it leaves me sad when it's over again (just like love). And soon it's going to be fall and winter all over again. Those are also nice seasons, except way too long. It's like the 80-90% of the Finland's seasons are filled with cold weather. Makes me wonder if I should move to some warm country somewhere, but I'm not thinking that's likely.

Finding someone special is hard work. At least for me. It's a whole song and dance that takes up a lot of time and energy. I do not know how other people does this.
I mean that I know that some people find the love of their lives by happy coincidents, like meeting them through friends and in parties. Some probably search through the dating sites, and notice someone from the same town then ending up together sooner or later. And there's those who find love from schools and workplaces. I found nothing from my old schools or workplaces. Only kids or really old ladies. And I don't know how to approach anyone in the streets or coffeeshops without making it unnecessarily creepy and weird. I mean, what are the chances that those people are already dating or are even heterosexuals (or at least bi) and it's starting to get way too complicated. I don't have any average friends who date a lot so I could get any kind of realistic picture of what average dating is.

So this is today's ranting of my dating life... which is quite quiet. No surprise there.

I guess I should talk about something else before I start to sound bitter.

Today's program contains cleaning, washing dishes and clothes while other people party at Ilosaarirock. And also I'm probably searching interesting stuff to buy from the internet. Since I'm for the first time in my life in a full-time job, I get a bit more money than usually. Not much, but at least a bit more. Big part of my paycheck goes into paying back school loans, but otherwise I have a lot of stuff I want to buy. I feel like I'm in some sort of nesting-phase, where my instincts are telling me to settle down and make a home for me and my future spouse.

Greetings

I made this blog to continue my rantings. I had a livejournal-account, when I was a teenager, and I poured a lot of angst and what-not into it, but now I was thinking that I could make an average blog for myself, and make it with half-art and half-personal content. I already have a blog for art, but since some personal issues, I haven't been able to get any work done, and I even had to cancel on an opportunity to make illustrations for a book.


Besides I want to practice my English. It's been years since I wrote long sentences with English. I can't talk it though, I have a horrible Finnish-English accent.


Oh, and the image in the background is a unfinished painting - made by yours truly. Since it's unfinished, I won't be posting the real version here until - or IF - I get it done someday.

*

Introduction

I'm a 25 year old male, who isn't really doing anything worth mentioning with my life. I have plans, which were postponed when I met a girl, whom I thought I would spend my life with --- and I was wrong.


I'm really, really a relationship-person. The kind that wants the whole life with together with someone, a home and cats and dogs and maybe babies or not. Anything else in my life doesn't seem as important, and I sometimes wonder why is this so important to me.


Anyway, after a bad break-up I've been a bit of a mess. I'm glad I have a job to go to, so I don't just get stuck inside the apartment all day. It's just that I let go of the control, so I feel like I'm just going with the flow, and that means breaking strick self-control.

I'm still trying to get on with my life at the same time that I'm letting myself go.

Like smoking and watching all sort of sticoms for hours while browsing stuff from the internet that I could buy.

And then at times I do push-ups and search single girls from dating sites, trying to get to that place I want to be in; together with someone who would finally love me for the rest of our lives. I'm just getting so tired of one-sided love.

Sometimes I wonder if my family - or myself, is cursed with finding love.

So this rambling is part of my break-up process.

*

I have a bottle of red wine (-> big fan of it) and I could watch something romantically gothic like Bram Stoker's Dracula -movie. It's kinda corny in a way, yet it suits my sometimes corny views of romance.

And the idea seems fitting for my current mood.

And I'm also looking for any excuse to taste the wine I got. It was a present, a housewarming gift.

                                                           (Listening to Type O Negative - Love you to death)