"Next stop: Everywhere!"

"Doctor Who". There's not many who haven't heard of the tv-show. There are hardcore-fans and people who are ordinary fans. I'm an ordinary fan, who heard about the show, checked it and liked it. Someone told me to watch it with a "twinkle in my eye", which is a horrible translation from Finnish to English, but what it means is that you shouldn't take it too seriously. You cannot expect a lot, because it is made with a small budget and the story and script isn't pure gold, but it is very good. For me I liked it the first time I saw it but I like it even more each time I watch it.

But I must admit I belong to the group of people who do not like much of the newer episodes with Matt Smith. For me it isn't the new Doctor that bothers me. Something has changed about the show, and I cannot put my finger on the exact problem I have with it. Of course there's the completely new Doctor now, 2014-2016, Peter Capaldi, but I haven't watched many of the new episodes to say if they are any good. 

I won't write a review, I leave that to other people, I just shortly introduce the show as one of the best scifi tv-shows of this century. It's a show that makes you smile and leaves you with a good mood. But it also has some touching stories not to mention horrors, that especially grab my attention.

My favourite episodes that include many great elements and are very well executed are "The empty child" and "Impossible planet". Many of the old episodes remind me of one other great tv-show: "The Twilight zone". If anyone reading this hasn't yet given a chance to "Doctor Who", I recommend that you give it a proper chance - emphasis on the word "proper". If you watch it with an open mind, you might find a new adventure.

*

If this doesn't pique your curiosity, nothing will.

The Song of the Hunt

For rpg-gamers The Witcher might be familiar already. I've just poked around the second game, poked to the end, but it's a bit shameful to admit that's how I started the game-series: from the second game. That's why I feel that I am not the best one to give it a review of any kind. Still, I hope one day I'll get to the third and final part. And of course I should really play the first part as well. After all, it is said that it's really good.

And perhaps one day I could read the books these games are based on.

*

Wolves asleep amidts the trees 

Bats all aswayin' in the breeze

But one soul lies anxious wide awake

Fearing all manner of ghouls, hags and wraiths

Birds are silent for the night

Cows turned in as daylight dies

But one soul lies anxious wide awake

For the Witcher, brave and bold

Paid in coin of gold

He’ll chop and slice you

Cut and dice you

Eat. You. Up. Whole.

Eat. You. Whole.

"O Falon'Din Lethanavir -- Friend to the Dead, Guide my feet, calm my soul, lead me to my rest."

My fiercest fantasy-genre obsession started and ended in my early teens, but what hasn't - and won't ever - change, is my love (and obsession) for a great story and great characters. I cannot even underline those two things enough. Whether in games, books, movies or TV-shows, if your story and characters are not "whole", entwined with each other seamlessly, you will lack the most important part of any story: feeling. If I feel for the story, for the characters, then it is love. Unfortunately that is a rare thing. Most seem to want touch and look at the surface of things - which usually makes me bored or wanting for more.

It's simply not enough to force the ingredients together, adding only what you think people might want to see. I want more than pretty trees and real-enough rain. Especially the difficult, deep and complicated relations with different kinds of people is something that is sadly underrated quality when it should be perhaps the most important key-element of a great story.

One thing hasn't changed though: I love slaying dragons. It's just fucking awesome.

"In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."

Couple of days ago I spent the entire day in a sleep-like haze. The world seemed unreal, flat. It was the turning point of the medication or the sickness. Yesterday I started to feel better. Today I feel better still. Hopefully this will last. 

My memory seems to worsen more because I can't seem to remember much about the last month. I know this was to be expected but still it's not easy to get used to this.

*

There was some quote I've often stumbled upon at different occasions and I never knew the whole sentence - until last night. But gods forbid; I can't remember it anymore! I'm slowly starting to wonder if it was a dream. I'm trying to find it never the less. Hopefully I will.

Here's some quotes I found in my search:

For example the things I found about Charles Bukowski sounded interesting:

“There is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock.

people so tired

mutilated

either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other

one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich

the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us

that we can all be

big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us

about the gutters

or the suicides.

or the terror of one person

aching in one place

alone

untouched

unspoken to

watering a plant.” 

― Charles Bukowski, "Love is a Dog from Hell"

“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone. On the other hand, when I got drunk I screamed, went crazy, got all out of hand. One kind of behavior didn't fit the other. I didn't care.”

― Charles Bukowski, "Women"

That is one name I've heard and read somewhere but never got acquainted with.

“I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around.” 

― Charles Bukowski

It all reminded me how much I enjoyed reading. I enjoyed many things, but years went by without doing those things and now I wonder what it means. Is reading a part of me anymore? Can I think of myself as a reader if I don't read a single page in couple of years time? It seems that my mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

*

I've been resting my mind with Dragon Age-games from Bioware (the same makers of Mass Effect-trilogy). The Dragon Age 2 is one of my favourite games now. The first game seemed really unfinished, but it is still a good game. I especially enjoy the plot-lines in them, the depth of the characters, dialogue and some simple things like the fighting-system, mostly that in the second game. Visually they aren't impressive, especially the first game is quite "fugly", but looks aren't all. It is the depth of the game; the story, the characters that makes it excellent. And I especially fell for the second games characters. Also the plot was more well thought and executed. I can only recommend it.

Humour also has a large portion in the creation of a great game. And Dragon Age (2 - especially) have made me laugh even at times like these.

(Source.)

I'm also paying myself into poverty and starvation by pre-ordering the 3.game that is due in the next month... I can see my future: hours and hours sitting on the sofa, surrounded by vast amounts of snacks and empty wrappers, dirty dishes while the apartment gets over-run by dust and spiderwebs:

"What's your Pleasure, Sir?"

                                                                                       Copyrights belong to the The Evil Within game-team

A thought came to mind about the "goodness" of a person. The goodness is relative. Every good person you know can be the most cruelest to some other.

And I don't mean unintended cruelness, but the kind that you are aware to be hurtful. Even when you pretend that you didn't know what your actions and words do to someone, the pain they cause, you are hurting others intentionally. No kind of excuses will change that. It is as it is.

Soon it will be exactly one year since my first supposedly-meaningful relationship ended. And the face of my ex is a face of a stranger now. The truth is that I do not nor did not know her. I thought I did, but if the person you once cared for turns out to be one of those cruel people, and act so vicious towards you, you have to confront the fact, that you did not know that person. The person you cared for would have never been like that.
And yet the cruel people can be kind to others of course, like their friends and family-members - at least to some of them. But why aren't they kind to everyone? Why do they do intentionally cruel things to some of the people in their life; the people who haven't been cruel towards them in return, but only kind. These are the kind of questions I will never get answers to.

At one therapy-session my therapist asked if there was some unsolved things, some questions I had for my ex, and I don't think there is anything. I can't understand why she did what she did and the way she did it, and I never will understand it. And even if I would want to solve something, I could never believe a word she says. So forgetting the cruelness continues. Hopefully one day the whole year will be like a long past nightmare. It seems already quite surreal.

But luckily it's almost a year gone by, and my life is quite nice. I could even consider myself to be happy; able to enjoy all kinds of things again. And I still do not desire anything romantic in my life. I doubt I never will. I like living by myself, doing whatever I want whenever I want. I like that I don't have to make compromises nor think about anyone else besides me. I can spent my money on the things I want.

So if anyone - who feels that they are alone - reads this, don't fight your own solitary existence. You can find so much happiness from your life without romance. I feel that romantic love is way over-rated. Even singles who are sexually active can fulfill those needs without getting into a relationship. See it as a challenge; how to find meaningful reasons for your existence without fulfilling the basic primal needs of surrounding yourself with a mate and a litter of your own making. Some people fulfill that basic need without any parental bone in their body - not to mention any other lack of empathy or skills to maintain healthy relationship. So even if you would have the gift for all that, you should enjoy your time as a single as long as it continues on. What kind of ambitions do you have? Any dreams for your near-by or distant future? 

Some people are into making bucket-lists, so if you enjoy making lists, that's probably one way to figure out what the life could offer you - personally. When you get together with someone your solitary dreams will most likely develop into shared dreams.

*

And the horror game from Bethesda, that I am waiting for anxiously:

Developed by Shinji Mikami and the talented team at Tango Gameworks, The Evil Within embodies the meaning of pure survival horror. 

Detective Sebastien Castellanos and his partners are called in to investigate a gruesome mass murder. After witnessing a mysterious force slaughter his fellow officers, Sebastian is ambushed and knocked unconscious. When the video opens, he finds his world has been turned upside down. Facing unimaginable terror and fighting for survival in a world where hideous creatures wander among the dead, Sebastian embarks on a frightening journey to unravel who or what is behind this unimaginable evil.

The Evil Within is in development for the Xbox One, Xbox 360, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3, and PC and is slated for release in 2014. For more details on The Evil Within visit: TheEvilWithin.com. 

Provisionally Rated PEGI 18. So don't blame me if you get nightmares from that video.

I want to Believe

The Truth is Out There

All space- and planet-pictures belong to NASA

This rather large post is a small drop of information about my love for outer space and specific types of Scifi. I already wrote a small - regrettable short - post about the second Scifi-phenomenon that left its mark in me; "The Battlestar Galactica" ("See the shape of things to come"), and now I wanted to write as short tale about couple of other personally influential things.

The game that stole my heart:

A spoiler-free "taste" of the trilogy

My relationship with Scifi is a very short one and it includes only few names, but the impact that those few names left is significant. They gave me a new kind of love towards outer space. I do not only look at the night-sky like looking at a black roof with bright lights. For me, my eyes go further and I can see the Moon circling around the Earth. I can feel the Earth moving within the vast space, see the Milky Way diving into these specific entities that hold in themselves countless of wonders. Space is the kind of scenery you cannot even imagine - less try to paint it with any traditional way. I am glad there are countless of digital-artists who have created the sceneries for us average people to look at.

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

                                                                   (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer."

                                                                             (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"After time adrift among open stars, among tides of light and to shoals of dust, I will return to where I began."

Mass Effect was a game-series I accidentally bumped into. My brothers had introduced me to the Bioware-company's previous Scifi-games "Star wars - Knights of the Old Republic", which was actually the first Scifi-experience - if not counting the Alien-movies, Star Wars-movies and few TV-shows. I fell in love with the games. And I found the world of Star Wars more meaningful again. I loved the first three movies when I was a kid, but they were like a outer-space fairy-tale that didn't give much to the more mature audience of the new growing generations. Yet I would never buy the upgraded-versions of the trilogy, that has CGI-raped the craftsmanship art of props. I mean, the creatures they created were amazing as they were. Re-doing them on a computer is like pissing all over Leonardo da Vinci's painting of "Mona Lisa".
But Star Wars deserves a whole another post to be talked about. As does the classic TV-show X-files - which I am quoting here a bit besides Mass Effect-quotes. I shared too many pictures to fit anything more here.

Since my dazed-eye idolizing worshiping is not a real inspiration-starter, here's some short storyline-captions about Mass Effect-trilogy:

"In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient space-faring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.

They called it the greatest discovery in human history.

The civilizations of the galaxy call it... MASS EFFECT."

I personally have a soft-spot for any kind of ancient disappeared civilizations. All kind of mysteries and unknown stories really get to me. 

"The galaxy is trapped in an endless cycle of extinction. Every 50,000 years, an ancient machine race invades with ruthless efficiency, wiping out all advanced organic civilization. They leave behind only the scattered ruins of technology, and they destroy all evidence of their own existence.

Few believe this ancient legend. You, however, know it to be true. The fight to stop this extinction event has become the most important mission in the galaxy.

And it is your mission. As Commander Shepard of the SS Normandy, take your elite recon squad across a galaxy in turmoil in a desperate race to stop the return of an enemy without mercy. To stop this enemy, you must act without remorse, without hesitation, and outside the limits of the law. Your only imperative is to preserve the safety of civilized life in the galaxy—and at any cost. You must become the tip of the spear of humanity, for you alone know the full extent of what is at stake if you fail."

And another - a bit less pompous:

"As Commander Shepard, rise to become the galaxy’s most elite soldier and lead an all-out war to stop an ancient and ruthless enemy: the Reapers.

Heart-pounding action meets gripping interactive storytelling where you decide how your unique story unfolds. Assemble and lead your team aboard the SS-V Normandy, the most advanced ship in the galaxy, and travel to distant and unexplored star systems. On your journey, meet a cast of intriguing characters each with their own story to tell. Wield devastating weapons and customize them with upgrades to create new and devastating attacks. All the thrilling action and your decisions culminate into a heroic battle against the greatest threat ever known. 

The fate of the galaxy lies in your hands—how will you chose to fight for it?"

The introductions emphasizes the amount of action, but the main focus should be on the story-line and the storytelling since those are the most amazing qualities - at least to a "nongamer" who enjoys deep, well-created topnotch stories that take you deep into the story until you can't stop playing. It is a game that mostly evolves with the players own free will. What will you decide to do, who can you save and who you must sacrifice? Who will become your friend and who your enemy? Who is trustworthy and how will you end the story - is all up to you.

"You realize this plan has me walking into hell too. Hah, just like old times."

And not forgetting the huge amounts of humour in the trilogy.

                                    (Assumably the Illusive man is a tribute to the Smoking man, Cigarette man from X-files)

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"Our home is where we are our place of origin is not relevant only where we choose to go together" 

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

For my love of outer space I also wanted to apply to the mission to Mars (which you can google probably with those exact words since I'm too lazy to put here the specifics), where they were supposed to find the first colonists on a one-way trip to Mars to build settlements there. But at the time they were looking worldwide for volunteers, I was in a relationship that I thought would last. If I had known it would end quickly I would have applied even with my slim chances. 

It is most likely that the humankind will self-destruct before ever getting to a point where we are able to travel in outer space or build settlements there, but I like to dream about those impossible things as do many others who hold great affection towards astronomy, outer space and Scifi-entertainment. And I would have wanted to be one of those people who would become the very first trying to achieve that huge leap in this world of idiocy, where people only care about the insignificant things that happen in their own lives or where people only care about making money. I salute those who have another meaningful existence in art or science. In anything that creates and inspects and solves. Some say that the human-race has only one purpose, and that is to breed, but I think we are - or we can be - a lot more than that.

As Brother Cavil from Battlestar Galactica said - quite accurately to what I feel: 

"I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas

 in this stupid limiting spoken language! 
                 But I know I want to reach out 

with something other 

than these prehensile paws! 

And feel the wind of a supernova flowing over me!

In Mourning - Sirens

"Oh, dance in the dark of night, Sing to the morning light. The dark Lord rides in force tonight, And time will tell us all."

*

*

Llorando

From the David Lynch masterpiece - and one of my facourite movies - Mulholland Drive.

I got a sudden craving to listen to this song while I was watching the Twilight Zone remake from the 1980's.

Until It Sleeps

"What if all the world's inside of your head, Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Difficulties with concentration. I'm trying to study, but it's quite difficult. Analyzing poems is really difficult. I'm getting a headache.

I'm also very tired. Been tired for two days now. I wish I could just sleep through this dark winter. I've liked the fact that it's been a bit snowy lately and that the weather's been clear and beautiful, but still I'm so tired all the time, that I can't get anything done.

On a lighter note I bought myself a used old battery-based camera. I'll be able to do some quick artistic works with it, so that's a good news for me. I don't have time to do any art now that I'm working and then studying - or trying to - in my free time. After I get the camera and I get the chance to go take some pictures I'll share some of them here. It will be a nice chance to get some new pictures taken. All I have left are old, old photos. Very nostalgic and precious to me, but really old.

"Right where it belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all...
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

All Hallows Eve

The Coven of Witches

Single-life really ain't bad. You can fulfill whatever whims and desires you get. 

Want to watch a movie? Any kind of movie you want? 

- Definitely.

Want to buy ice-cream and eat the whole damn thing by yourself? 

- Go ahead.

Want to buy things for yourself even if that means that you might have to eat porridge for the rest of the month? 

- You do that.

Want to paint/play video games all day/night long?

- Why not!

Those are just one examples when you're the king of your own house and you make the decisions for yourself. You have yourself to pamper. And maybe some pets too. 

Maybe couples who are perfect for each other can be individuals at the same time they're together, but I haven't experienced that. My individuality was reduced - besides many other things, but I like now that my home is my home again. I can do whatever I want with it. And it's slowly starting to look more and more amazing. If I had more money I would get some taxidermy-things and oddities, but I make do with what I have and what I can create.

(Could not find the artist of these Halloween-comic strips. Inform me if you know the name.)

I've been watching way too many tattoo reality tv-shows. It's just part of my relaxing after work, and I don't want to start watching any good new series because I need to study (and I need to focus a lot more now because that hasn't gone so well lately). 

Tattoo artist is one profession I have thought about since it's one way to stay as an artist and do art for a living, but it's a really difficult road. I'm not completely ruling it out, though. Let's first see what happens with the entrance exams in the spring. Then I know how many back-up plans I will need. I say "back-up" but what I mean is that I have few plans for my future, and all of them are quite hard to achieve, so I need to try my luck with all of them to see what will be the road for me. I don't mean to make anything sound trivial or unimportant.

*

American Horror Story: Coven has already started airing new episodes. The first episode was amazing, just pure gold!

Wolves in the outskirt of the citylights are calling to us

I've already put some Halloween-decorations all over the apartment. It's not very Finnish-like to spend Halloween, and I know there are some people, who are for some reason very crossed with their countrymen for spending any other celebration than the ones in our national calendar. It doesn't have anything to do with any fundamental views (at least not at every time), it's just the modern way of thinking. If you do something that is not viewed as an intelligent activity or an activity of the majority, it's viewed as pointless. And I guess some people get really angry with the things they consider pointless and foolish.

Yet I will break these rules set by some really angry and bitter people. Just like some of the other fellow-sufferers from other people's narrow-mindedness, we must endure or celebrate privately. If I want to have my year filled with parties and days that I feel are special, it doesn't harm nor is it away from anyone. 
The autumn is filled with dark grey days and pitch-black nights, when you get drenched by the almost never-ending rain, and you feel the coldness in your bones. Is it really such a pointless activity to eat something sweet and look at some grinning jack'o'lanterns lighting the night? I know that has nothing to do with some of the old traditions of All Hallows Eve or with any national holidays, but frankly I do not care. I just wanted to rant about something. And thus I did.

Since my lack of camera I can't really take any pictures of my Halloween-decorations. Which is a shame really. I've really grown fond of all the Halloween-decorations, themes and the jack'o'lantern-figure. It brightens my day against this really common autumn-view, that I am right at this moment looking at out of the window... Dirt shaded grey and trees with yellow leaves. Without no artificial light that scenery would be considered depressing.

I spent the day listening to Swedish-learning audio books while working. I have to admit, that it felt like I was being tortured. Not because it was Swedish, no, it just brought to my mind the torture-technique the American military uses for interrogations, when the suspect of terrorism is forced to listen to some loud noises against their will. It was kinda interesting to do one thing while listening and thinking about completely different things. But I think this method might prove useful, so I will continue with it. I feel that I've spent my day well.

Jolly good time, old chap

If you happen to appreciate humor and jokes made about some of the famous Hollywood-films (Batman, Hunger games, LOTR etc. many of the classic movies), you will laugh at these:

To someone who is worthy of the affection

"When you think you've tried every road

Every avenue

Take one more look

At what you found old

And in it you'll find something new"

You'll break my will, You'll sell my soul, You'll take my heart and replace it with a gaping hole - and step on me"

I'm usually a hardcore metal head, but since metal-music is so intense and arouses some really powerful feelings - at least the good bands do - that I can't listen to it at this mental state I'm in. I've usually listened to one of my favourite bands, Nine Inch Nails at this time of the year, but I guess that won't happen this year. 
All I can listen to, is some lighter music. Dark cabaret is something I've quite recently found and I liked it. It appeals to the history-geek in me and I also like the sinister themes it has. It - like rock-music, is lighter music to my standards.

Nine Inch Nails

"The Line Begins To Blur"

There are things that I said I would never do

There are fears that I cannot believe have come true

For my soul is too sick and too little and too late

And my self I have grown to weary to hate

The more I stay in here

The more it's not so clear

The more I stay in here

The more I disappear

As far as I have gone

I knew what side I'm on

But now I'm not so sure

The line begins to blur

Is there somebody on top of me?

I don't know I don't know

Isn't anybody stopping me?

I don't know I don't know

Well I'm trying to hold my breath

I don't know I don't know

Just how far down can I go?

I don't know I don't know I don't know

As I lie here and stare

The fabric starts to tear

It's far beyond repair

And I don't really care

As far as I have gone

I knew what side I'm on

But now I'm not so sure

The line begins to blur

*

(Had a song here)

 *

Nine Inch Nails

"Something I Can Never Have"

I still recall the taste of your tears.

Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.

Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

[Chorus:]

You make this all go away.

You make this all go away.

I'm down to just one thing.

And I'm starting to scare myself.

You make this all go away.

You make this all go away.

I just want something.

I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how

Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.

This thing is slowly taking me apart.

Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame.

Though it all looks different now,

I know it's still the same

Everywhere I look you're all I see.

Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

I just want something I can never have

We are like oil and water

Vermillion lies - Bone Yard 

I'll be black as coal 

I'll be cold as steel 

I'll be all the things 

you never wanted to feel

I'll be deepest pit 

I'll be biggest fear 

I'll be all the things 

you never wanted to hear 

I'll be far from home 

I'll be without light 

I'll be all the things 

that come out and scare you at night 

and I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

I'll take off all my skin 

just to let you in 

you'll see my big black mess 

my aching emptiness 

you'll never fill me 

no matter how long you try 

you'll just get lost 

inside 

you'll lose those perfect eyes 

lose that perfect mouth 

and just like me you'll be 

a pile of bones 

and I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

oh I'll be kissing you 

in the bone yard 

in the bone yard 

bone yard 

(http://www.thehistoryblog.com/archives/12797)

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This song was the one, that gave me a great idea for a painting. Or an ink illustration. But I don't have the time to do that now. I had to put everything to hold until I have finished my studies. No games, no new tv-shows and no art-projects of any kind.

As black as the night can get

If someone has been wondering, where to get these very decorative hard-covered books of classical literature, go to Barnes and Noble . I will make some purchases there after Halloween is over. 
I really like it, when the publishers invests in the quality of the book. Books will survive most likely hundreds of years so it's nice to own books that look good in the eyes of people who appreciates aesthetic things, but since I already have one of these books, I know that they are very high quality.

*

Bought few green lanterns for candles. I really like how the flame looks in them. Like some eerie green foxfire dancing.

Since the nights have been pitch black for quite some time now, I'm slowly starting to burn candles. An old habit of mine.

*

As for the bad news, I think I'm getting used to my new medication, so the effects are starting to wear off. It's troubling, but it just means that I would have to change medication to something else, and try that. As I'm starting to lose the grip to the normality, and my mind has the will of its own, I'm feeling kind of discouraged with this situation. All I need to do is to remember how good it felt to feel normal, so I keep my hopes up.

I guess I could call this the good news, but I've gotten into baking. Just a  bit. I usually hate baking and cooking - mostly because it's a lot of work and that means a lot of dishes to wash, but I've been baking bread and desserts for myself especially when I have some extra time to do all that. It's been kind of nice.

Dead Can Dance - The Carnival Is Over

Outside 

The storm clouds gathering, 

Moved silently along the dusty boulevard. 

Where flowers turning crane their fragile necks 

So they can in turn 

Reach up and kiss the sky. 

They are driven by a strange desire 

Unseen by the human eye 

Someone is calling. 

I remember when you held my hand 

In the park we would play when the circus came to town. 

Look! Over here. 

Outside 

The circus gathering 

Moved silently along the rainswept boulevard. 

The procession moved on the shouting is over 

The fabulous freaks are leaving town. 

They are driven by a strange desire 

Unseen by the human eye. 

The carnival is over 

We sat and watched 

As the moon rose again 

For the very first time.