Sunday 20 April 2014

The Scent of Earth

(Copyrights belong to me)



It's warm outside. Sunlight warms up the earth, birds sing everywhere. This is what we all have been waiting for anxiously. And here it is. And soon it will be summer.
All the past memories have faded away into the shadows and I don't think about tomorrow, and just enjoy every day at a time.

I'm still studying for the "college" entrance-exams. And speaking of which, I need to get back to it. But I wanted to make this short post only to marvel the wonders spring has brought back.

Cannot wait for the weather to get warmer. To drink beer on the balcony and perhaps get myself a grill to barbecue on. And for my actual first summer-vacation I could go roaming the nearby woods. See what I can find there. 
There's a lot of things to look forward to.


(Copyrights belong to me)

(Copyrights belong to me)

An old family-tradition in the summer-time has been watching horror-movies. I could make a list here about some of them at some time, though the internet is already full of lists. Perhaps I could make a list of classical horror-movies and newer horror-movies that are actually worth the watch.

If the sunlight gets too warm you can try to feel cooler by reading chilling horror-stories. Here's a nice collection of short horror-stories from the amazing - and one of my favourite - blog "Pumpkinrot": Horrorstories.


Saturday 19 April 2014

The Hall of the Mountain King

*

Had here a cover song "Mountain King" by the band Apocalyptica until copyrights(?) kicked in in Youtube. I understand the copyrights but I think with music it should be applied as it is with pictures etcetera: if you claim it's yours, it's violation. if you share it in nonprofit-way mentioning who the work belongs to, it is just like marketing, after all it is free advertisement for the band. Oh well... 

*

I'm not a fan of the music by Apocalyptica, but I enjoy the sound of cello, even if it is electric one. I also like this song for two more reasons: 1. amazing classical piece and 2. it reminds me of my dear childhood game "Ultima VIII: Pagan". Ah, the nostalgia.

(Copyrights belong to Origin Systems)



It was the kind of game that would make you see nightmares. In a very lovely way claustrophobic and haunting mood. Just as this old midi-song implies.

Friday 18 April 2014

Ouroboros

 Snake eats snake kind of world.

(Drawing by Theodoros Pelecanos)

I've been following the animal-rights news-feeds lately, especially by the Finnish activist, who released a book about the inhumane condition of farm-animals. Animal-rights questions go too far into the political subjects that I vowed not to approach in my blog, since they are too realistic, too grim. My mental condition allows me to read about things like that again, but I won't make any posts about it - not any too specific posts, I mean. 
What I wanted to say was that although my hatred towards mankind has gone back to the place where it came from, most likely because of my affecting medication, yet I keep noticing how far I am from the rest of the humankind. And by judging the people who are my family and friends, I cannot help but to notice, that there's only so few emphatic people in this world. Most of the human-race seem to be unable to feel empathy. Which makes me feel like the world of humans is a sick and dark place. If you cannot feel empathy even towards the smallest of living beings, how can you feel empathy towards other human-beings?

And I, as probably everyone else, can see everyday how much empathy people have for each other. That makes me feel like this really is a dog-eats-dog world.

If my countrymen are interested in reading the blog of the author of "Salainen päiväkirja eläintiloilta" ("The secret diary from animalfarms"), just click the books name. There might be nothing you didn't already know, yet she makes really smart notes and insights.

(Copyrights belong to me)

Into the Finnish bloglist of gothic blogs has crept few nongothic-blogs, which made me think, if the goth-scene is getting "watered-down". By that I mean that if some people feel that they don't really qualify as gothic yet they hold on to that categorization for their own purposes even when it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the blogger and their blogs. Which doesn't concern me, rather just puzzles and confuses me. I do not judge, and at times I can barely consider my style gothic, yet I was wondering if it is not just about watered-down gothic-style but a way to trick more viewers... which I would judge, if the whole idea behind it is to get more viewers by false pretenses. You should have enough confidence in your blog that you wouldn't need trick-measures. And what is the point of trying to make a blog just for getting a lot of readers or viewers... Sometimes I cannot understand the human-race (sorry for the generalization).

Monday 14 April 2014

"All things pass into the Night"


I've had a desire to listen to this song for some time now. And now I have. Perhaps the new season of Hannibal brought this desire. It is still an amazing show.

Friday 11 April 2014

I heard your Call, my black-winged Friend. I saw you high above; against the Blue Sky

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Too much to do. Can't write for some time - or at least cannot write much.

Made a small "comic" with an used idea yet I think to us quiet ones it never gets old. 
It just came to mind today. No ink used, though. I don't have the time now. I drew it with average pencil in about couple of minutes. It is more like a draft than anything else so it might look a bit crappy. I just have been thinking about making small comic-strips about some things in my personal life. Don't know when I have the time but since I'm over-worked and dead-tired, I wanted to do something relaxing for a change. So, here it is.


(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

I'm just like any other antisocial person or a hermit-character. Even though I can get along and I can join into a conversation, at times, when it is not necessary I just like to observe.

Sunday 6 April 2014

We are but Dust

(Copyrights belong to Sam Spratt)


I think I found myself an early x-mas present.

Saturday 5 April 2014

I want to Believe



The Truth is Out There


All space- and planet-pictures belong to NASA

This rather large post is a small drop of information about my love for outer space and specific types of Scifi. I already wrote a small - regrettable short - post about the second Scifi-phenomenon that left its mark in me; "The Battlestar Galactica" ("See the shape of things to come"), and now I wanted to write as short tale about couple of other personally influential things.

The game that stole my heart:

A spoiler-free "taste" of the trilogy

My relationship with Scifi is a very short one and it includes only few names, but the impact that those few names left is significant. They gave me a new kind of love towards outer space. I do not only look at the night-sky like looking at a black roof with bright lights. For me, my eyes go further and I can see the Moon circling around the Earth. I can feel the Earth moving within the vast space, see the Milky Way diving into these specific entities that hold in themselves countless of wonders. Space is the kind of scenery you cannot even imagine - less try to paint it with any traditional way. I am glad there are countless of digital-artists who have created the sceneries for us average people to look at.


(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

                                                                   (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)


"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer."


                                                                             (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)


"After time adrift among open stars, among tides of light and to shoals of dust, I will return to where I began."

Mass Effect was a game-series I accidentally bumped into. My brothers had introduced me to the Bioware-company's previous Scifi-games "Star wars - Knights of the Old Republic", which was actually the first Scifi-experience - if not counting the Alien-movies, Star Wars-movies and few TV-shows. I fell in love with the games. And I found the world of Star Wars more meaningful again. I loved the first three movies when I was a kid, but they were like a outer-space fairy-tale that didn't give much to the more mature audience of the new growing generations. Yet I would never buy the upgraded-versions of the trilogy, that has CGI-raped the craftsmanship art of props. I mean, the creatures they created were amazing as they were. Re-doing them on a computer is like pissing all over Leonardo da Vinci's painting of "Mona Lisa".
But Star Wars deserves a whole another post to be talked about. As does the classic TV-show X-files - which I am quoting here a bit besides Mass Effect-quotes. I shared too many pictures to fit anything more here.


Since my dazed-eye idolizing worshiping is not a real inspiration-starter, here's some short storyline-captions about Mass Effect-trilogy:

"In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient space-faring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.

They called it the greatest discovery in human history.

The civilizations of the galaxy call it... MASS EFFECT."

I personally have a soft-spot for any kind of ancient disappeared civilizations. All kind of mysteries and unknown stories really get to me. 

"The galaxy is trapped in an endless cycle of extinction. Every 50,000 years, an ancient machine race invades with ruthless efficiency, wiping out all advanced organic civilization. They leave behind only the scattered ruins of technology, and they destroy all evidence of their own existence.

Few believe this ancient legend. You, however, know it to be true. The fight to stop this extinction event has become the most important mission in the galaxy.

And it is your mission. As Commander Shepard of the SS Normandy, take your elite recon squad across a galaxy in turmoil in a desperate race to stop the return of an enemy without mercy. To stop this enemy, you must act without remorse, without hesitation, and outside the limits of the law. Your only imperative is to preserve the safety of civilized life in the galaxy—and at any cost. You must become the tip of the spear of humanity, for you alone know the full extent of what is at stake if you fail."

And another - a bit less pompous:

"As Commander Shepard, rise to become the galaxy’s most elite soldier and lead an all-out war to stop an ancient and ruthless enemy: the Reapers.

Heart-pounding action meets gripping interactive storytelling where you decide how your unique story unfolds. Assemble and lead your team aboard the SS-V Normandy, the most advanced ship in the galaxy, and travel to distant and unexplored star systems. On your journey, meet a cast of intriguing characters each with their own story to tell. Wield devastating weapons and customize them with upgrades to create new and devastating attacks. All the thrilling action and your decisions culminate into a heroic battle against the greatest threat ever known. 

The fate of the galaxy lies in your hands—how will you chose to fight for it?"

The introductions emphasizes the amount of action, but the main focus should be on the story-line and the storytelling since those are the most amazing qualities - at least to a "nongamer" who enjoys deep, well-created topnotch stories that take you deep into the story until you can't stop playing. It is a game that mostly evolves with the players own free will. What will you decide to do, who can you save and who you must sacrifice? Who will become your friend and who your enemy? Who is trustworthy and how will you end the story - is all up to you.

"You realize this plan has me walking into hell too. Hah, just like old times."

And not forgetting the huge amounts of humour in the trilogy.

                                    (Assumably the Illusive man is a tribute to the Smoking man, Cigarette man from X-files)

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"Our home is where we are our place of origin is not relevant only where we choose to go together" 

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

For my love of outer space I also wanted to apply to the mission to Mars (which you can google probably with those exact words since I'm too lazy to put here the specifics), where they were supposed to find the first colonists on a one-way trip to Mars to build settlements there. But at the time they were looking worldwide for volunteers, I was in a relationship that I thought would last. If I had known it would end quickly I would have applied even with my slim chances. 

It is most likely that the humankind will self-destruct before ever getting to a point where we are able to travel in outer space or build settlements there, but I like to dream about those impossible things as do many others who hold great affection towards astronomy, outer space and Scifi-entertainment. And I would have wanted to be one of those people who would become the very first trying to achieve that huge leap in this world of idiocy, where people only care about the insignificant things that happen in their own lives or where people only care about making money. I salute those who have another meaningful existence in art or science. In anything that creates and inspects and solves. Some say that the human-race has only one purpose, and that is to breed, but I think we are - or we can be - a lot more than that.


As Brother Cavil from Battlestar Galactica said - quite accurately to what I feel: 

"I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas
 in this stupid limiting spoken language! 
                 But I know I want to reach out 
with something other 
than these prehensile paws! 
And feel the wind of a supernova flowing over me!




Tuesday 1 April 2014

Capricornus

(Copyrights belong to me)


(Copyrights belong to me)




Although developing black and white film is expensive, I bumped into some of old half-developed pictures from my b&w-film camera course and I started to squint at the little pictures with hopeful feeling that they might hold some treasures, pictures that have succeeded, and I can't help but to feel the desire to see what they look like when they are fully developed.

I'm getting swamped by personal-projects - and project-ideas. I've gotten ideas about animal rights-paintings or illustrations, but I don't have time to draw nor paint, although I have found the spark again. Since it's been about 3 months since my medication was increased and I've felt normal ever since. I doubted if I'd ever feel normal again, yet here I am. I now have the energy to get through the studying - which I must get back to about now. I just wanted to "spill my guts" here. After all, writing things down is part of my self-therapy.


*

One unpleasant shocker was my dream last night, which was about my ex. So I thought about the traumatizing break-up almost all day and how I feel about all that now. It starts to feel like a distant nightmare, and sometimes I even wonder, did it ever happen or was it all just a bad dream. Alas, not just a bad dream. 
I'm quite healed for most parts, yet of course there will be some scars that never go away. I guess that for most people breaking up is just one part of the long line of social history. As normal as dating and being in a relationship. Love comes and love goes. For me, I always thought that when I would find love, it would be a once in a life-time opportunity. Something I would never experience more than once yet it would stick, because I would never let it slip away. And now it seems that it's not even once in a life-time thing. 
Now I feel that the largest painting-project I did few years back is a symbol for my relationship with women. I can't copy the picture of the painting here, because it is a triptych-painting that consist three paintings that form a larger body. I named it "Gorgon-eyed Goddess", and it portraits a distant goddess. The Gorgon-eyed seems appropriate, since the two women I have loved have never loved me back. Thus it is fitting, that the picture should have a beautiful woman who is for to look at and admire. And her gaze consists of complete lack of warmth. Not hatred instead, just the lack of love or any kind of affection.

I know that some women consider one-sided love by men the most pathetic form of affection but that is how it went. And the other story wasn't my fault, that is one reason why it was so traumatizing. I do not blame anyone for not having loving emotions, I blame the one who tricked and lied about her emotions. That is something I can never forget nor forgive.

What I am trying to say, in some kind of summary is that I will never understand the life most people seem to live. And there's hundreds of things I will never experience like going to parties or getting married or just socializing with all kinds of people, befriending them and just doing things people seem to do. Even if a miracle happens, and I get into university, I won't find any new friends from there. I seem to lack that talent altogether. I get along with everyone, I'm polite and people are nice to me, and it is all fine and dandy, yet it never goes anywhere from there. I do not know which part of my psyche is the one with the lacking readiness. Gods; humans are machines without the programming to find errors or any kind of faulty mechanisms. All we can do is guess or let people point our faults to us.

Ever since I was a ten or eleven years old I draw myself inside a glass-box looking outside. Such a melancholic child, although I understand now why I felt that way. Perhaps it is time that allows us to understand some parts of ourselves that we didn't notice nor understand previously.
Reading the entrance exam-reading material also has brought some light to some things. I only wish I had had time to take psychology-courses since that is the area all the material consists of.


(A bit blurry photo by yours truly - it's blurry because it was night-time and that light there comes from a lamp - wanted to add it here still for the mood in the picture)

(Copyrights belong to me)