In the veins of women, instead of blood flows poison

(Old painting of mine. It has it good- and downsides... Educational project never the less. Copyrights mine.)

Not really true to say that about women in generally, but some are quite poisonous. And this time I don't even mean just my ex, but some other females I know.

And I also have few irreplaceable women in my life, who have a heart of pure gold. The poison bite comes from all kinds of people. I just found it interesting, that my last - unfinished - painting was about Medusa. As if an omen of things to come.


And the other poisonous people have raised their Hydra-like heads after a long silence. I hope they keep their usual distance for I do not care for their company. 

I need to concentrate on creating a life for myself. Stay away from the people who turn wine into ash in my mouth. I'm sure some people know what kind of people I mean.

(Old painting of mine. It has it good- and downsides... Educational project never the less. Copyrights mine.)

"Justice may have once been blind, But now she can see, She just lost her mind, So we put her away"

(Copyrights belong to me)

Perhaps the unfulfilled need to be loved makes me feel like I am a bad person somehow. I don't even know how I would be a bad person, but I've always been able to relate myself with the villains rather than heroes. Only because of this feeling of being no-good, unlovable, somehow not like anyone else for always being secluded from life. 
People telling me that I'm good doesn't really seem to have any effect on this way of thinking.

It seems that I am doomed to live with this false shadow over my head. I hope it remains false, that I won't make it reality since of my lack of respect towards my own being. I cannot ever fully like myself as long as I'm being disliked by people for just being who I am, the way I was born, by the people who raised me and the choices and mistakes I've done.
I always found it to be unfair, that for example my ex's father seemed to more or less secretly despise me although I never did anything bad to him, nor his daughter. It can be exhausting to be hated for just being alive.

*

(Copyrights belong to me)

That ends the thoughts of today.

Now after my window-painting I've directed my attention to the roof. I've been planning some kind of easily removable roof-painting. Some kind of astrological map of stars. Maybe in the weekend I can start planning.

The scent of flowers in the air

Warm breeze blows through my fingers, the sound of wind rustling through the leafs and I feel at peace.

*

(Copyrights belong to me)

I passed the first part of the entrance exam but there's still another different kind of test, which I need to pass. If I don't pass it, I'm going to try save up some money so I could finally go travel abroad. Well, I use the word "travel" though I probably can afford to visit one place for one weekend. Still it is something I'd like to experience at least once before I die. And at this rate I'm more likely to pass away before getting anywhere out in the world.

Like I have written sometime before, my family has always been poor. And since I started living by myself I also have led a life of a poor man. Of course now that I am employed I have had some money to spent, but the amounts you'd need to go abroad I'd never get. Now I have to save up a whole year, but it will be my consolence prize. I am going to be devastated for not getting into the university, yet I will keep on trying. Perhaps rewarding myself will help me to get over the sadness I'm going to be feeling after less than two months. I will write about that then.

*

And here's something ridiculously interesting for those, who enjoy ridiculously interesting things.

The Full Circle

I will post a better photo after I've finished the painting. But here is is at the moment - almost done, yet i might add some other colours to it and I need to repaint more layers so that the colours would get more vivid and intense. They are quite transparent that's why they are not strong and need more layers. Also I might fix few problems, like the circles lack of roundness. It is quite challenging to paint with special window-paint.

(My window, my design, my copyrights)

I had to paint the whole thing straight onto the window without any plans, so there are some anatomical errors there, but it is for my window, so who cares. I don't. I guess the only way to draw the plans first would need some kind of ink-pen that can be erased with some alcohol-type of liquid. I just draw straight on. 

Started with the simple shapes and line by line went from there. I suggest that if you're not confident enough you should find a way to plan before executing the painting. It's easy to scratch the paint off, but that also means that you are wasting paint.
I bought this paint from Finnish online-shop Sinelli. It was quite cheap paint and it had the main colours for window-painting, like in the windows of gothic churches, like blue, yellow, red, black and ready green.

Small pieces of Art

Now this is the kind of card pack I would want:

Dead on Paper.

Really cool.

Soon I might be able to show you the books and other smaller projects I have been working on.

All Lies Lead to the Truth

"Brandenburg Concerto Number Two is the first selection of music on the Voyager spacecraft. The first. Four and a half billion years from now, when the sun exhausts its fuel and swells to engulf the earth, this expression will still be out there, traveling four and a half billion years. That is, if it's not intercepted first. Imagine, Fox. If another civilization out there were to hear this, they would think 'what a wonderful place the earth must be.' I would want this to be the first contact with another life-form."

*

I started to watch the old classic TV-show: X-files. I should make an introduction of the show, although I am fairly certain that there are almost no one at least in the western civilization who does not know it. 

When I was a child, I was forbidden to watch it - since it seemed to be a scary program. So I took a peeks at any time I could, and yes, some of it seemed scary back then. As a teenager I was finally able to watch it, and it blew my mind. Of course when I was able to watch it, I noticed that it wasn't scary at all. Anyone could watch it easily. 

Now it has some almost campy-characteristics yet it still is one of the best - and one my favourite TV-shows, and I can recommend it to anyone who is able to appreciate its unique intriguing contents.

Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, why are those like yourself, who believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life on this Earth, not dissuaded by all the evidence to the contrary?

Mulder: Because, all the evidence to the contrary is not entirely dissuasive.

Deep Throat: Precisely.

Mulder: They're here, aren't they?

Deep Throat: Mister Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time.

(Copyrights belong to the Ten Thirteen Productions, 20th Century Fox Television, X-F Productions - I think.)

And of course the show has one of the most beautiful women in the world (as I seem to always remember to mention these): Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully. One of my all time favourite red heads.

Mulder: I have a theory. Do you want to hear it?

Scully: Van Blundht somehow physically transformed into his captor and walked out the door, leaving no one the wiser?

Mulder: Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what?

“And when night Darkens the streets, then wander forth the sons Of Belial, flown with insolence and wine.”

Type O Negative

"Black Sabbath"

*

Had a link to the song, but you know how it goes...

Who is she that kneels - so respectfully before me

A virgin of snow white - purity

Do not fear - my fortunate one

Let us consummate our igneous union

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

I am the shadow - with the eyes, eyes of fire

I will fulfill your every - hellish desire

Come sit on this throne - here beside me and be mine

And we'll watch the flames get higher and higher and higher and

higher...

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

Ave ave satanas

This is just the start dear friends

For i have come to claim revenge

My victims turning, running scared

You people better go and beware

Your weak god can not help you now

Come, we will play in the fire

Worship the sun

Worship no one

Worship the sun

Worship no one

Worship the sun

Worship no one

“Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.”

(Copyrights belong to me)

I find my stock of spring-pictures lacking. And spring is soon at its end, and I haven't had the time to go out and photograph the suddle changes in the nature.

*

Again new ambitious plans are forming; I've started to collect some worthless, free books to turn into something different. I have some already and I'm waiting for some large delivery from people all over town, who have books that they don't need and are willing to give for free of charge just to get rid of them.

And what I will make of them, at least the covers of them (insides are a question-mark - to leave them as they are or to do something to them):

This one is from the Halloweenforum <-

More books and ideas can be found from a lot of places, just try different keywords.

I wouldn't dare to lay a hand on any of my most valued books, like books from Dostoevsky,  Kafka and countless of others. Thus I will use only the worthless books to transform them into something more pleasing to my eyes.

"What's your Pleasure, Sir?"

                                                                                       Copyrights belong to the The Evil Within game-team

A thought came to mind about the "goodness" of a person. The goodness is relative. Every good person you know can be the most cruelest to some other.

And I don't mean unintended cruelness, but the kind that you are aware to be hurtful. Even when you pretend that you didn't know what your actions and words do to someone, the pain they cause, you are hurting others intentionally. No kind of excuses will change that. It is as it is.

Soon it will be exactly one year since my first supposedly-meaningful relationship ended. And the face of my ex is a face of a stranger now. The truth is that I do not nor did not know her. I thought I did, but if the person you once cared for turns out to be one of those cruel people, and act so vicious towards you, you have to confront the fact, that you did not know that person. The person you cared for would have never been like that.
And yet the cruel people can be kind to others of course, like their friends and family-members - at least to some of them. But why aren't they kind to everyone? Why do they do intentionally cruel things to some of the people in their life; the people who haven't been cruel towards them in return, but only kind. These are the kind of questions I will never get answers to.

At one therapy-session my therapist asked if there was some unsolved things, some questions I had for my ex, and I don't think there is anything. I can't understand why she did what she did and the way she did it, and I never will understand it. And even if I would want to solve something, I could never believe a word she says. So forgetting the cruelness continues. Hopefully one day the whole year will be like a long past nightmare. It seems already quite surreal.

But luckily it's almost a year gone by, and my life is quite nice. I could even consider myself to be happy; able to enjoy all kinds of things again. And I still do not desire anything romantic in my life. I doubt I never will. I like living by myself, doing whatever I want whenever I want. I like that I don't have to make compromises nor think about anyone else besides me. I can spent my money on the things I want.

So if anyone - who feels that they are alone - reads this, don't fight your own solitary existence. You can find so much happiness from your life without romance. I feel that romantic love is way over-rated. Even singles who are sexually active can fulfill those needs without getting into a relationship. See it as a challenge; how to find meaningful reasons for your existence without fulfilling the basic primal needs of surrounding yourself with a mate and a litter of your own making. Some people fulfill that basic need without any parental bone in their body - not to mention any other lack of empathy or skills to maintain healthy relationship. So even if you would have the gift for all that, you should enjoy your time as a single as long as it continues on. What kind of ambitions do you have? Any dreams for your near-by or distant future? 

Some people are into making bucket-lists, so if you enjoy making lists, that's probably one way to figure out what the life could offer you - personally. When you get together with someone your solitary dreams will most likely develop into shared dreams.

*

And the horror game from Bethesda, that I am waiting for anxiously:

Developed by Shinji Mikami and the talented team at Tango Gameworks, The Evil Within embodies the meaning of pure survival horror. 

Detective Sebastien Castellanos and his partners are called in to investigate a gruesome mass murder. After witnessing a mysterious force slaughter his fellow officers, Sebastian is ambushed and knocked unconscious. When the video opens, he finds his world has been turned upside down. Facing unimaginable terror and fighting for survival in a world where hideous creatures wander among the dead, Sebastian embarks on a frightening journey to unravel who or what is behind this unimaginable evil.

The Evil Within is in development for the Xbox One, Xbox 360, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3, and PC and is slated for release in 2014. For more details on The Evil Within visit: TheEvilWithin.com. 

Provisionally Rated PEGI 18. So don't blame me if you get nightmares from that video.