Damn, I still don't have a camera. No evidence of my own Halloween celebration. Although after the party it feels like Halloween has already ended. Even my pumpkin has died.
Even though I felt like that, I watched the movie "Hobo with a shotgun" yesterday. Not really a ghostly Halloween- appropriate movie, but I still wanted to see what the movie was like. I mean that the title sounds funny, unfortunately the movie wasn't all that good. It was something you might watch once.
And tonight I might watch something a bit more appropriate, the movie "Trick'r'Treat". It's also an average movie, but since it has the whole Halloween-theme, I feel it might be good enough. I've seen the classic horror movies so many times (like "Halloween") that I need a few years until I can watch them again. The less I remember about the plot twist's, the more I will enjoy watching it again.
Appearances can tell a lot about people. Well, true to a point, since I know that people who dress in black, leather and have metal all over their face are usually - almost every time - really nice and polite people. Maybe even shy or antisocial, but still nice and unprejudiced. But people who dress like everyone else are very talented in hiding the really bitter, hateful, angry people. Or the hateful people want to look like everyone else since they're so hateful that they wouldn't belong to any group of people if they could be spotted. I too get into the middle of the hateful people's prejudice and rudeness. Just any kind of people can suddenly turn out to be really, really rude and horrible. I would understand it, if I had done something horrible to those people, but I know I haven't, since I'm a kind and polite gentleman - that's something I can admit about myself without feeling too uncomfortable. And when I meet these salespersons, bus drivers, customer service- people or strangers in the streets, and they are hostile towards me without any reason, it ruins the experience of going out. Sometimes I actually get the feeling that I should apologize to those rude angry people that I'm paying them and using their services. They are just so rude towards me, that I get this automatic reaction that you get when you accidentally insult someone. You feel the need to apologize to that person, since that's what you usually do. You want to get along and you don't want to cause anyone distress on purpose. It's funny and also stressful to feel like that around hateful people. I haven't done anything to those people, but they treat me like I had insulted them and deserved their attitude. Like I was their number one enemy, and no polite behavior would apply to me. It's like they can barely contain their anger. I cannot help to think that my appearance has something to do with it, since I am always polite and try to smile. I happen to like black clothing, piercings and military-style - on top of other darker styled clothes I have. Maybe my appearance is something that those people cannot stand. Long hair, beard, piercings, black clothes and military boots are still too much to some people. I don't know what they imagine when they see me. What about me rubs those people in the wrong way. It's a mystery. Only thing I do know is that I don't deserve that kind of hate and rude behavior. No one deserves that.
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I also have been fascinated by the notion of personal growth. I still feel like I lost something from me, from my personality, few months ago. Perhaps a part of my lingering innocence? Some of the faith towards human beings, naivety? I do not know what is it exactly. I just feel that I'm not myself anymore. And even when I beat this depression, I will never be what I was before. I had a first appointment with a therapist. She was a nurse, so she wasn't as cold and distant as the doctors I've met. But people who are married or in a relationship cannot understand people who are single or who are lonely. That's one thing I was yet again reminded of when I talked with the therapist. When my dating-history is what it is, and when I'm the kind of person I am, I know the probability of finding love. And my way of thinking has nothing to do with pessimism. I've made my notions on facts and personal experience. Especially after the realization that I have never had anyone who would have loved me back. So hearing the cliche's from people who are in relationships is insulting.They do not have the same kind of experiences. If you've been in a relationship for years, haven't been single over a year, never been in a unhappy long lasting relationship you do not know how insulting your advice's are. Even I'm not as arrogant as to give advice's for people in a relationship that has domestic violence. Nor for same-gender relationship. If I don't understand how it is, how can I say anything about it? Sometimes it feels like people are just reciting things they've read or heard somewhere. If you know any (recently) single friends, you should do two or three things: don't speak to them about how there's other "fishes in the sea" (and all the other horrible cliche's) and just listen to their worries silently, since you have no good advice's to give. And never start to recite any good things about being single and never side with the ex. No matter how objectively you can see things, the broken heart doesn't want to hear it. I'm slowly starting to enjoy things and tolerate myself after intense self-loathing. I don't want anyone telling me, if I overreacted in something or if I could have done something differently or better in the past circumstances. All I ask from my friends and family is to keep their advice's and lend me their time and listening ear when I need it.
"There are things you can't get anywhere… but we dream they can be found in other people."
Flickr doesn't let you use the url of the photographs - for understandable reasons. But just looking at any Halloween photographs, no matter what country they're from, if they are inspired by the over the top American-style, it looks amazing.
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5 things you might not know about asexuality.
(Clickety click ^) It seems there was an asexual awareness week some time ago(?) I don't really pay attention to any awareness-weeks or -months. Like I heard from somewhere that November is called "Movember" for men's campaign where they grow mustaches for prostate cancer awareness. Anyway, I decided to share this informative webpage and informative list on some things that sexual people and people who are wondering about their sexuality might want to know about asexual's especially about the things we can experience even when we don't have sexual desire towards anyone. Some people might even find themselves to be asexual after reading that list. It's just that some people might have false preconceptions about asexual's, and might not want to date us because of the false information they have about us. To some we might seem like people who can't give anything to sexual people. Like we're emotionless or our body doesn't function like a regular body does. So if you think, that you don't know enough, go read that information.
Halloween party is over. I'm really happy getting my apartment look really appropriate for Halloween. Only I didn't have enough time to prepare the foods for the party, and my costume got lost in the mail, so I'm not happy with those things. Also I was a bit hurt that only one person stayed over the night. Even though I understand the reasons, but still I value the time I spend with my friends and family, since the time is short. Maybe too short counting the time we have on this planet. Which is years to seconds.
Still we ate - a lot - and played board games like Zombies!!! That was a good game. Action and trickery based competitive board game. You had to kill zombies and try to win while giving hard time for the rivals with making them freeze by fear for one round or infest some buildings with new zombies when the zombies before had been eliminated.
It was fun.
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And Cinemare - the horror movie marathon - is here:
Unfortunately the ticket prices have risen, but at least this year I will attend this.
When I moved back to my hometown, I felt like I was getting inside a safe cocoon. Into the safety and silence of a womb. So I am holding on to that feeling of safety and familiarity as hard as I can. Even if the number of family and friends here grow fewer and I live with the ghosts of my memories, I still feel safe. Over a year ago I was just moving with the flow, whether I was going in circles or moving forward I was free to do and to go anywhere. And I was getting prepared to leave my hometown as long as I could follow the only way I knew. Then she came into my life, and I knew I had to postpone my plans if I wanted to get something I never had before. I'm not afraid of living alone. Loneliness is familiar and safe. I knew that. I knew that when I allowed myself to fall in love and take the risks that came with it. Every time I got frightened I said to myself, that I know loneliness, and I do not fear it. It's this new unknown road I want to follow. To see where it takes me. The new adventures and sights for me to see and discover. It's the death of my loved ones that I fear - intently I fear that. So when I finally understood, that I lost my love, it felt like death. Like someone I really loved had died. It brought anger, desperation, depthless amounts of sorrow that cut in too deep and sickness filled my wounds and overflowed. But the anger of betrayal and exploitation kept me going. Now my days are filled with living day to day. Surviving from the bad memories. Getting whatever enjoyment I can. Trying to keep the waters of my mind still and silent. As long as my mind is still, I know I can get better. That this won't get as far as I fear it might. There are too many monsters living inside my head that I can't let them get out. I need to deal with them and leave them behind me. This is something I thought today, as I was walking home in the damp rainy dark, but with a smile on my face. I met my loved ones today, I talked with them for hours. I really wish all my weeks were like this.
And now I will share with you another subject, which is somewhat new even to me. I don't know what kind of quality the modern school sex-education has, but in my time, which surprisingly isn't that long ago, there wasn't much talk about the fact how many different kind of people there are. I think there might have been something in the book we read, but we never really talked about it. It came as a surpriseeven to me, since no adults talked about homosexuals, asexual's, transgenders or any kind of type of people who aren't white average heterosexuals. I had to learn about this whole another world, which existed all around me, from television series and movies and eventually from the internet. Because all those natural things, those aspects of people were mysteries and unknown to me, I had to learn about those things from the hard way, which in my case meant years of wondering, feelings of being an outsider - though my basic being is an outsider, so it didn't take any more affect than it regularly does. I had questions about these feelings I had, and I turned to the wondrous world of the world wide web to appease my concerns, and after some reading and weeks of self searching I carefully came into the conclusion that I was - in fact - an asexual. It's really something that varies from person to person. It appears and means different things in different people. I don't know what kind of mental image people have of asexuality. I thought it was being someone who doesn't want to have intercourse, and of course that notion is the right one. The whole matter in a nutshell. I don't really think about that thing much. It made sense to me, and I've been going with it ever since. I think the percent of asexual's in the whole world was approximately 1%. At least trying to find comrades is a bit difficult inside the borders. I think there's not much else to tell about asexuality. It's simply the opposite of sexuality. Sexual people can just imagine the opposite and that's it. And then there's the difference between people. Not every sexual's want to have sex all the time or want it in some specific way and there's just a lot of differences between all the people in the world. I can't point out some specific things about asexuality that would be universally true besides the fact I already established previously. I enjoy beauty that I find appealing. I like to draw and paint women - with or without clothes, and usually without them, and it's all just my affection towards the gender and especially towards women that have the kind of beauty I find intoxicating. So I guess for sexual people you might add some desire in that scenario, but for me it's just adoration and affection. I'm still figuring out what being asexual practically means to me. I'm still new in that. All I know is that I can love and I can feel all kinds of affectionate feelings. I might write about this subject later on as I try to understand it in more deeper levels. I mean that who thinks about average, plain things like their eye colour all day long. Maybe new kind of revelations come to as time goes by.
I decided to continue with me presenting these life-lessons I've obtained (unwillingly). Depression is something I came acquainted with about a year ago. At least I think it was a year ago and I think it's depression. There's this tiny little detail in my family's medical history, that might affect me, and it's bipolar disorder. It means that you're depressed but you also get mania, and both of them are in their own way dangerous. If I would have that (since I am not a shrink nor can I at this moment honestly say anything), I might have had it for some time now. Who knows. And now I'm losing my trail of thought. Before I got depressed, and I was getting more and more sure about what it was, I had had a quite average mental health. Nothing really surprising in that section. Anyway, since depression is becoming a common epidemic, I thought I should write something about my own experience in that matter. Unfortunately I'm still right in the middle of stabilizing it, so I can't really give any story about defeating it. All I can tell you is that when you start to suspect that you might have it, you need to get help right away. It's not something that goes away by itself. I know there's a group of people, a generation, that doesn't believe in psychology, mental disorders and medication (my father is one example of that), but that kind of thinking makes you your number one enemy - and enemy to every person you come in contact with. You're going to become a danger to yourself. And maybe even to others. I got help, I got to wrestle with one doctor about the subject of needing therapy, but now I got an appointment for some kind of clinic thanks to another doctor. A part of me is relieved and anxious about getting to pour all my heavy burden's out in the open, but I'm also a bit skeptical about what kind of person will be there to listen my worries. I've had an experience once about talking to one therapist who seemed to be really indifferent and/or bored and maybe a bit annoyed. That would be the perfect, fitting reaction to a cashier, who had to listen to some customer go on and on about their life, while the cashier was trying to go to a lunch break. But I don't want to talk with any medical professionals who look like they don't want to hear it. It was a really weird experience. I guess I feel a bit scared of running into another therapist who's like that. I can understand why some professionals would get tired at their work, but it's not good for the patients and customers to have their experience tainted with such indifference. I don't want to be a trouble to anyone nor do I want to waste anyone's time. So I'd rather keep my problems to myself, if there's no one willing to listen and care. Still, my bad experiences aside, therapy is always better than remaining medicated. Medication still is a pure relief. Imagine something stretching your mind to the breaking point and something just lets it go before it breaks. It's relief and bliss. The feeling of normality. There's so many things in life we take for granted. Whether it's warmth, dryness or feeling psychically normal, we don't appreciate those things until they're taken away from us. Still the medication doesn't affect you forever. I had at the beginning Escitalopram Actavis 10 mg, which I had to change into 20 mg after a few months, when my depression took a turn to worse. But the 20 mg didn't seem to work. It relieved the worst feelings at first, but soon it didn't affect me anymore. I had to change my medication. And the doctor described me Venlafaxin Orion 75 mg. I don't know what part of that medication worked, but it did. I've been feeling good for over a month now. I cannot remember what was the maximum effect-span until it stops working as well, but I guess this story is something that will continue over time. I'm hoping for a happy ending. All the people who have been depressed and known to me have gotten better in time, so there's always hope if you don't give up on yourself.
I wanted to share a thing about me, my gender and gender stereotypes in general. Short rant I wanted to write. It's a complicated subject, but I don't want to get too deep into it. It's not the reason why I wrote about it. This is something that came to mind since I've been sharing things here like decorating for Halloween, listening old vintage songs and mooning over old books and the Moon and what not. I've had a difficult life - well, who hasn't. Because of my past and the things I've learned, and because I've spent most of my life being alone by myself, I've learnt to be freely myself and express myself as I wish without being constrained with assumptions of stereotypical male-behavior. Maybe not in every occasion but most of the time I can be myself. I try to keep my appearances as neutral as possible with strangers, but I really don't like to pretend to be more masculine than what I really am. And by that I have to point out that I am talking about personalities here, although I know that some men have problems with physical appearances. Especially the goth men, who like male-skirts and eyeliner and all that. The society seems to be more tolerant to let women be whatever they want and express their personality as they wish, so women can act feminine and/or masculine and they can have hobbies with all kind of things mixed together without causing public judgement and criticizing. Women can knit and go boxing without anyone even blinking their eye. But men don't usually get that kind of tolerance to be whatever they want and do whatever they want. Usually men who act too feminine can get ridiculed - most likely by insecure weak-willed men, but sometimes even by women, which I found surprising. A gender that has been fighting to get the same rights as men can have double standards. But since it all depends on the person, I won't get into that subject. Many men have confronted that kind of women, but you're going to remember the negative experiences more likely than the positive ones.
Who would want to get badmouthed by strangers for things that don't really deserve of getting any kind of ridicule. Some might say that you shouldn't care about what other people say. But it's hard not to care, because you're not doing anything wrong but you get hated for doing what you like and just being yourself. And being hated is hard. No one should live their lives while being hated. I really don't know if being hated would make you handle it better with time. I rather keep my personal quirks to myself and to people who know me, and might even like those quirks. Then I don't have to deal with hatred and endless arguments. Being hated for who you are goes for most of the artists, non-heterosexuals (or nonsexual's since to some sex measures the amount of masculinity), geeks, nerds, and pretty much most of the men who are passionate about something that isn't publicly accepted as a proper thing for men to do and like. It's the modern way, though. I don't personally know any guys who wouldn't have some hobbies or interests that wouldn't be considered unmanly, but I have only different kind of artists and nerds as my friends, so I can't say I would know how my reality differs from others. I know most of those guys don't care about what people think, but still I doubt they would go telling strangers about the dvd of "My neighbor Totoro" in their bookshelf. And that's the whole point of my rant. I never apologize about who I am, and I think that's something everyone should learn to do. I don't know if you can learn to deal with being hated, but I think at least you should let yourself become what you are, what feels good and natural for you. You can't live in a constant role. I cannot even imagine what that kind of a life does to a person. I felt like I needed to explain that I'm not a stereotypical guy, and there's not going to be any stereotypical manly-subjects here. And I will not apologize for myself.
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He trembles in the bitter wind
Until it's time for us to speak
Whilst others here are sleeping sound
I'll slip away by floorboard creak
Upon the hill he'll hear my secrets
Shock the colours to bleach inside
Whilst others there are sleeping sound
Just we two will confide
Listen to his body moan
Make a wish and send us home
To spin the gold and silver stitches
We can turn his rags to riches
With frosty jack on fingernail
Thro' shoe black smile he'll tell-a-tale
Come whisper thro' your lips of straw
A moment torn forevermore
Listen to his body groan
Make a wish to send us home
To spin the gold and silver stitches
We can turn his rags to riches
My so-called friends say you're not alive
I'll bake their bones for telling lies
Then pull the pastry from the pie
And pour the gravy in their eye
Listen to his body moan
Make a wish and send us home
To spin the gold and silver stitches
We can turn his rags to riches
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Wish I had some pictures of my own to show you, but I will leave that to this amazing Halloween-blog. All those pumpkin-oranges, sickly violets and foxfire-greens look just great.
Just click this image to check that blog out:
Following these updates gets me into the Halloween spooky-mood.
Full Moon greets me tonight as I keep reading Finland's history. That's why I shouldn't post anything today but I just had to write about the Moon. I guess I have an obsession of the Moon. I often find myself staring at it. I don't know if there's some psychological explanation for it, but the Moon is mesmerizing. Purely magical.
Had to use Deviantart-stock for this one, since I have no camera nor any pictures of the Moon.
The golden part of the fall is about to end. And today's windy weather is shaking down the rest of the leaves. If the sky remains clear tonight, it might be amazing to walk outside at night. Screaming wind, starry black sky and tree branches reaching like scary fingers in the moonlight. One thing I wish I could get back is my enthusiasm towards nightly walks. Last time I did that was a year ago... Maybe after I have healed enough, I might get it back. I might get some other things back, that I lost. I've just done a lot of thinking and I've done some confronting with difficult subjects, but with my medication I have been able to find enjoyment from different things. That's one thing I thought I had lost. Also laughter is something that - blissful enough - I've done after a long, long time. Maybe also the upcoming Halloween has got my mind cheered up. I've done some decorations for the small party, like paper bats flying on the walls (and my cats try to keep on hunting them although I put a lot of time and effort into making those things), pumpkin heads and a creepy tree. Today I started making small skulls out of dough, since I can't afford decent modeling clay. I know this great clay, that's white and it gets hard really fast, so if I remember correctly, you had to mold it with a bit of water, and after that it would get hard by itself and then you could put paint on it. That clay is great, and not too expensive for making small things, but I'm a bit broke, so I really needed to use my imagination. Go all McGyver on Halloween. It's a shame I can't take photographs of the stuff I've done.
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I know that my blog is quite moderate and has no important thought-provoking content, but this is just my corner for small trivial things. And to share about my experience on heartbreak, being single, asexual, goth and metal head and to tell about things that interest me. And for a bonus I will share things that might interest any readers, like webshops or whatever I find. I don't like to write about anything topical or politically important because there's just so much one person can take, and talking about dead serious problems especially while being medically depressed isn't appealing. I found out my limits when I was a teenager. I was so angry and disappointed with humanity I found the state of the world overwhelming. After the realization that I, being just one person, could do only so much, I decided to block out the news of the world from my mind. I read and watch the news everyday, but I also lock them out from my mind so they don't really get to me. I sometimes talk about politics with my friends and family, how the world is going to hell and we are being sucked into a current or a hurricane, and we can only try to survive in this world, but reality is too hard for anyone to bare. Me talking about bad things - although realistic things - would make anyone depressed, not just me. So I will leave the horror's of reality to someone else. Instead I will keep on writing stuff about myself. To whoever might be interested. At least I find some personal problems in other blogs to be interesting. When some blogger is fighting with depression I feel sympathy and I like to read how that person gets along with their life.
Single-life really ain't bad. You can fulfill whatever whims and desires you get.
Want to watch a movie? Any kind of movie you want?
- Definitely.
Want to buy ice-cream and eat the whole damn thing by yourself?
- Go ahead.
Want to buy things for yourself even if that means that you might have to eat porridge for the rest of the month?
- You do that.
Want to paint/play video games all day/night long?
- Why not!
Those are just one examples when you're the king of your own house and you make the decisions for yourself. You have yourself to pamper. And maybe some pets too.
Maybe couples who are perfect for each other can be individuals at the same time they're together, but I haven't experienced that. My individuality was reduced - besides many other things, but I like now that my home is my home again. I can do whatever I want with it. And it's slowly starting to look more and more amazing. If I had more money I would get some taxidermy-things and oddities, but I make do with what I have and what I can create.
(Could not find the artist of these Halloween-comic strips. Inform me if you know the name.)
I've been watching way too many tattoo reality tv-shows. It's just part of my relaxing after work, and I don't want to start watching any good new series because I need to study (and I need to focus a lot more now because that hasn't gone so well lately). Tattoo artist is one profession I have thought about since it's one way to stay as an artist and do art for a living, but it's a really difficult road. I'm not completely ruling it out, though. Let's first see what happens with the entrance exams in the spring. Then I know how many back-up plans I will need. I say "back-up" but what I mean is that I have few plans for my future, and all of them are quite hard to achieve, so I need to try my luck with all of them to see what will be the road for me. I don't mean to make anything sound trivial or unimportant.
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American Horror Story: Coven has already started airing new episodes. The first episode was amazing, just pure gold!
All kinds of creepy critters have invaded my walls and mirrors. It's partly for my small Halloween celebration with couple of my friends (not due until the end of the month though) but most of all for me to enjoy. Since of my current situation in life, I guess I feel the need to enjoy all kinds of smaller things in life, like doing something creative. And this is the type of guy I am. I sometimes feel like I should explain myself to other people, who might not understand this, and I might write something about that someday, but now I will just shut up.
And I know I was supposed to introduce the game Bioshock (even though I bet there's not many who do not know it), but I think I might leave that to another day.
The sunlight really brightens up the yellow and red trees. Although I'm not a huge fan of the autumn colours, I can't deny their beauty at this light.
Probably tonight you could see numerous stars in the sky as long as the clouds stay away.
I think I'm quite happy now. The feeling comes most likely from my medication, but I am usually quite happy and a content person. It was just everything that happened to me in the past year that changed me from a happy carefree guy into this barely functioning wreck of a man. Even when I lived alone, I was happy with my life. Seasons came and changed, and I found pleasant things from my life and I couldn't have asked for more. Of course I used to dream about having someone special, since everyone wants and needs to feel loved, but I was also just content at dreaming about having something more in my life. Not to make my life somehow more than what it is and always has been, but to bring something more into it. If that makes any sense. I believe in making life matter for myself. I don't need any other reasons to live and find happiness but to find the meaning and the balance from making my life good for me. It could have been just a whole lot of small things, but as long as they made me smile, they were more than enough. If you have to start looking happiness and fulfillment only from outside yourself, and not finding the core of it from within you, then when all the things that make you feel like your life matters and you're achieving your meaning in life disappears - as we know, nothing lasts forever - you would lose everything. The whole base that kept you content and gave you reason to get up in the morning would no longer exist. To me that sounds like a very dangerous way to live. You can't only base your happiness and dreams on other people. You need to find things you enjoy and that makes you happy. It can't only be your career either, but that's something that can make everyday seem like a dream.
And I'm still continuing with the Bioshock -gameseries soundtrack. It's simply amazing and beautiful.
Here's a song that you might have heard somewhere. For example in the season 1 of American Horror Story:
I'm listening these songs from my gramophone to get into the right mood.
Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to play the newest game: Bioshock Infinite, although I have heard that it's really spectacular game.
Since I linked a bunch of these songs and nothing about the actual games, I might make my next update about the games.
Even with this sinister text, I'm still feeling good. Enjoying the autumn-days, studying my best and waiting anxiously for the Halloween. And today I got my lamp installed to the roof, so I'm really glad about that. No more squinting my eyes in the dark corners trying to find an USB-port or a pen that has fallen onto the floor. Now I can see better no matter how dark it gets outside. It wasn't just a simple plugging in the lamp, it had to be installed by an electrician, because of the weird wiring. Anyway I feel good, and I hope I will feel this way for a long time.
I've already put some Halloween-decorations all over the apartment. It's not very Finnish-like to spend Halloween, and I know there are some people, who are for some reason very crossed with their countrymen for spending any other celebration than the ones in our national calendar. It doesn't have anything to do with any fundamental views (at least not at every time), it's just the modern way of thinking. If you do something that is not viewed as an intelligent activity or an activity of the majority, it's viewed as pointless. And I guess some people get really angry with the things they consider pointless and foolish. Yet I will break these rules set by some really angry and bitter people. Just like some of the other fellow-sufferers from other people's narrow-mindedness, we must endure or celebrate privately. If I want to have my year filled with parties and days that I feel are special, it doesn't harm nor is it away from anyone. The autumn is filled with dark grey days and pitch-black nights, when you get drenched by the almost never-ending rain, and you feel the coldness in your bones. Is it really such a pointless activity to eat something sweet and look at some grinning jack'o'lanterns lighting the night? I know that has nothing to do with some of the old traditions of All Hallows Eve or with any national holidays, but frankly I do not care. I just wanted to rant about something. And thus I did.
Since my lack of camera I can't really take any pictures of my Halloween-decorations. Which is a shame really. I've really grown fond of all the Halloween-decorations, themes and the jack'o'lantern-figure. It brightens my day against this really common autumn-view, that I am right at this moment looking at out of the window... Dirt shaded grey and trees with yellow leaves. Without no artificial light that scenery would be considered depressing.
I spent the day listening to Swedish-learning audio books while working. I have to admit, that it felt like I was being tortured. Not because it was Swedish, no, it just brought to my mind the torture-technique the American military uses for interrogations, when the suspect of terrorism is forced to listen to some loud noises against their will. It was kinda interesting to do one thing while listening and thinking about completely different things. But I think this method might prove useful, so I will continue with it. I feel that I've spent my day well.
Halloween is soon upon us. I'm looking forward to it.
I've been feeling good about myself lately. It means that the medication is working.
I also admit that whatever feelings were stirring inside, were as I thought, just another coping-mechanism. To cope with loneliness means that you have to look forward and make dreams about the future - even if those dreams are unrealistic, they are positive thoughts that make you feel better.
