A little warmth in the midst of cold

The Song of the Hunt

For rpg-gamers The Witcher might be familiar already. I've just poked around the second game, poked to the end, but it's a bit shameful to admit that's how I started the game-series: from the second game. That's why I feel that I am not the best one to give it a review of any kind. Still, I hope one day I'll get to the third and final part. And of course I should really play the first part as well. After all, it is said that it's really good.

And perhaps one day I could read the books these games are based on.

*

Wolves asleep amidts the trees 

Bats all aswayin' in the breeze

But one soul lies anxious wide awake

Fearing all manner of ghouls, hags and wraiths

Birds are silent for the night

Cows turned in as daylight dies

But one soul lies anxious wide awake

For the Witcher, brave and bold

Paid in coin of gold

He’ll chop and slice you

Cut and dice you

Eat. You. Up. Whole.

Eat. You. Whole.

"Into the hole again, we hurried along our way, into a once-glorious garden now steeped in dark decay."

“I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!”

- Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll.

*

When I heard the news, I was in a shock and filled with disbelief - I still am. It's not a bad news, it doesn't make me feel anything particular, but I felt like I was suddenly whisked away from the familiar reality and dropped into a hole that leads to Wonderland. Equally bizarre and sudden it was.

For the man who raised me is not - claimed by my untrustworthy mother - my biological father. After almost a 30 years of living I find about it now. So suddenly, without any kind of hints. The mental-image of dropping into a rabbits hole and falling through to another kind of world seems accurate. Thus the pictures, although some of their dark nature doesn't cascade my feelings, but when you say "Alice", I see the bony-grin of Dark Horses "Alice"-game series Cheshire cat.

This shocking bit of news doesn't make me sad. It could liberate me from the painful notion of never being able to get any kind of love nor approval from my father, so I could be free from that mess in my head. No pressure, no shame and no sorrows.

I haven't yet gotten any confirmation from someone else, so in the most extreme case-scenario I might have to cut my ties with both of my parents, unless 'tis is true and they both are willing to speak it truthfully. Otherwise, if there's any claims by either one that the other one is lying, I think I have had enough. But it will be seen soon enough, how they want to handle this.

My mother handled it bad enough already, for she told about that secret to almost everyone else before she told me. My oldest brother knew about it two years ago and my younger siblings had to keep quiet about for a year, until they were forceful enough to make our mother tell the truth to me. At first I was willing to accept that it was handled poorly, slipped (most likely not) accidentally in a conversation but after I found out that my older brother knew about it even sooner, I started to think, why do I even bother socializing with the people who are responsible for the bad state of my mental health. I am truly starting to doubt if severing all ties might be the answer to getting better. I have been too polite and too kind-hearted to continue this charade for as long as I have. I will observe what my parents do. And if there's even a hint of manipulation or lies, I would be more than happy to leave them. After all I have been without their support or help for almost all my life, and even if I would need support or help in the future, I know they would never give either of those things. All they can do is spread poison all around them, and then try to make me feel guilty for disliking them.

Alice: "Wonderland's become quite strange. How is one to find her way?"

Cheshire Cat: "As knowing where you're going is preferable to being lost, ask. Rabbit knows a thing or two, and I, myself, don't need a weathervane to tell which way the wind blows. Let your need guide your behaviour; suppress your instinct to lead; pursue Rabbit."

*

"O Falon'Din Lethanavir -- Friend to the Dead, Guide my feet, calm my soul, lead me to my rest."

My fiercest fantasy-genre obsession started and ended in my early teens, but what hasn't - and won't ever - change, is my love (and obsession) for a great story and great characters. I cannot even underline those two things enough. Whether in games, books, movies or TV-shows, if your story and characters are not "whole", entwined with each other seamlessly, you will lack the most important part of any story: feeling. If I feel for the story, for the characters, then it is love. Unfortunately that is a rare thing. Most seem to want touch and look at the surface of things - which usually makes me bored or wanting for more.

It's simply not enough to force the ingredients together, adding only what you think people might want to see. I want more than pretty trees and real-enough rain. Especially the difficult, deep and complicated relations with different kinds of people is something that is sadly underrated quality when it should be perhaps the most important key-element of a great story.

One thing hasn't changed though: I love slaying dragons. It's just fucking awesome.

Homo homini lupus est

(Copyrights are mine)

*

Shortly, since I don't feel like writing: money-troubles, medication working, but sleep-rhythm has gone awry. Ravens follow me everywhere, which is like a sign. At least it's getting a tad ridiculous.

I explored and adventured Thedas in Dragon Age: Inquisition. I won't write a review, since I dislike reviews and it takes a bit more time to write whatever I might want to write about it. Just saying that it was pretty much what I expected from Bioware. Amazing sequel. How it fares on its own, is controversial, I'm sure, but with the previous parts combined make it amazing. Totally worth it.

And I'm starting slowly planning my next step in the actual, real life. I bought supplies to start learning how to tattoo. It's the one road I thought, I would never follow, but I don't have a lot of options. Even if it wouldn't work out, I have to try.

Let the Devil sleep

"The thought of an adventure does make me giddy."

*

Waiting for the game to arrive. There's a saying "odottavan aika on pitkä", "the time of someone who is waiting, is long". Crude translation and doesn't really work in English but it does feel like I've been waiting for an eternity. I don't have the patience to write anything smart at the moment. The moment the game arrives I will be consumed into its world, and might not write here for some time.

"In all the time you've known me, have I ever given you the impression that I was turned off by crazy?"

I'm trying to heal my depression with conventional methods, like vitamins, meditation, positive thinking and hopefully walking outdoors in my free time. None of these methods work on their own, but they might add some help to the medication. I got so distressed at the last time in therapy that I am willing to try anything at this point. Obviously I cannot place all my trust in medication.

*

Sebastian: I-- Hawke! We were just talking about you.

Hawke: Carry on. I love to eavesdrop.

Varric: "Hawke said sarcastically."

Hawke: Saying good things, I hope?

Varric: "Hawke asked diplomatically."

Hawke: You know I hate it when you do that.

Varric: "Hawke muttered in an angry aside to the dwarf..."

*

Isabela: So, Donnic was in the Rose.

Aveline: He was not!

Isabela: Easy, big girl. He wasn't shopping for himself. You're lucky to have a man who wants to please you. 

But, maybe you could indulge him more. Are there areas of intimacy you haven't explored?

Aveline: Why? Why do you give me these doubts!

Isabela: Aveline. If you shove your thumb up his ass, I win.

Varric: Ah, that old chestnut.

*

Talkative man: That man over there. He's been staring at me for an entire hour. I counted.

Varric: Maybe he likes you.

Talkative man: No. He knows. He knows that I know. But what he does not know is that I know that he knows that I know.

Varric: How do you know that he doesn't know that you know that he knows that you know, you know?

Talkative man: What?

Varric: Exactly.

Hawke: (Coughs)

"In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day."

Couple of days ago I spent the entire day in a sleep-like haze. The world seemed unreal, flat. It was the turning point of the medication or the sickness. Yesterday I started to feel better. Today I feel better still. Hopefully this will last. 

My memory seems to worsen more because I can't seem to remember much about the last month. I know this was to be expected but still it's not easy to get used to this.

*

There was some quote I've often stumbled upon at different occasions and I never knew the whole sentence - until last night. But gods forbid; I can't remember it anymore! I'm slowly starting to wonder if it was a dream. I'm trying to find it never the less. Hopefully I will.

Here's some quotes I found in my search:

For example the things I found about Charles Bukowski sounded interesting:

“There is a loneliness in this world so great

that you can see it in the slow movement of

the hands of a clock.

people so tired

mutilated

either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other

one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich

the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us

that we can all be

big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us

about the gutters

or the suicides.

or the terror of one person

aching in one place

alone

untouched

unspoken to

watering a plant.” 

― Charles Bukowski, "Love is a Dog from Hell"

“I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone. On the other hand, when I got drunk I screamed, went crazy, got all out of hand. One kind of behavior didn't fit the other. I didn't care.”

― Charles Bukowski, "Women"

That is one name I've heard and read somewhere but never got acquainted with.

“I don't hate people. I just feel better when they aren't around.” 

― Charles Bukowski

It all reminded me how much I enjoyed reading. I enjoyed many things, but years went by without doing those things and now I wonder what it means. Is reading a part of me anymore? Can I think of myself as a reader if I don't read a single page in couple of years time? It seems that my mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

*

I've been resting my mind with Dragon Age-games from Bioware (the same makers of Mass Effect-trilogy). The Dragon Age 2 is one of my favourite games now. The first game seemed really unfinished, but it is still a good game. I especially enjoy the plot-lines in them, the depth of the characters, dialogue and some simple things like the fighting-system, mostly that in the second game. Visually they aren't impressive, especially the first game is quite "fugly", but looks aren't all. It is the depth of the game; the story, the characters that makes it excellent. And I especially fell for the second games characters. Also the plot was more well thought and executed. I can only recommend it.

Humour also has a large portion in the creation of a great game. And Dragon Age (2 - especially) have made me laugh even at times like these.

(Source.)

I'm also paying myself into poverty and starvation by pre-ordering the 3.game that is due in the next month... I can see my future: hours and hours sitting on the sofa, surrounded by vast amounts of snacks and empty wrappers, dirty dishes while the apartment gets over-run by dust and spiderwebs:

"What's your Pleasure, Sir?"

                                                                                       Copyrights belong to the The Evil Within game-team

A thought came to mind about the "goodness" of a person. The goodness is relative. Every good person you know can be the most cruelest to some other.

And I don't mean unintended cruelness, but the kind that you are aware to be hurtful. Even when you pretend that you didn't know what your actions and words do to someone, the pain they cause, you are hurting others intentionally. No kind of excuses will change that. It is as it is.

Soon it will be exactly one year since my first supposedly-meaningful relationship ended. And the face of my ex is a face of a stranger now. The truth is that I do not nor did not know her. I thought I did, but if the person you once cared for turns out to be one of those cruel people, and act so vicious towards you, you have to confront the fact, that you did not know that person. The person you cared for would have never been like that.
And yet the cruel people can be kind to others of course, like their friends and family-members - at least to some of them. But why aren't they kind to everyone? Why do they do intentionally cruel things to some of the people in their life; the people who haven't been cruel towards them in return, but only kind. These are the kind of questions I will never get answers to.

At one therapy-session my therapist asked if there was some unsolved things, some questions I had for my ex, and I don't think there is anything. I can't understand why she did what she did and the way she did it, and I never will understand it. And even if I would want to solve something, I could never believe a word she says. So forgetting the cruelness continues. Hopefully one day the whole year will be like a long past nightmare. It seems already quite surreal.

But luckily it's almost a year gone by, and my life is quite nice. I could even consider myself to be happy; able to enjoy all kinds of things again. And I still do not desire anything romantic in my life. I doubt I never will. I like living by myself, doing whatever I want whenever I want. I like that I don't have to make compromises nor think about anyone else besides me. I can spent my money on the things I want.

So if anyone - who feels that they are alone - reads this, don't fight your own solitary existence. You can find so much happiness from your life without romance. I feel that romantic love is way over-rated. Even singles who are sexually active can fulfill those needs without getting into a relationship. See it as a challenge; how to find meaningful reasons for your existence without fulfilling the basic primal needs of surrounding yourself with a mate and a litter of your own making. Some people fulfill that basic need without any parental bone in their body - not to mention any other lack of empathy or skills to maintain healthy relationship. So even if you would have the gift for all that, you should enjoy your time as a single as long as it continues on. What kind of ambitions do you have? Any dreams for your near-by or distant future? 

Some people are into making bucket-lists, so if you enjoy making lists, that's probably one way to figure out what the life could offer you - personally. When you get together with someone your solitary dreams will most likely develop into shared dreams.

*

And the horror game from Bethesda, that I am waiting for anxiously:

Developed by Shinji Mikami and the talented team at Tango Gameworks, The Evil Within embodies the meaning of pure survival horror. 

Detective Sebastien Castellanos and his partners are called in to investigate a gruesome mass murder. After witnessing a mysterious force slaughter his fellow officers, Sebastian is ambushed and knocked unconscious. When the video opens, he finds his world has been turned upside down. Facing unimaginable terror and fighting for survival in a world where hideous creatures wander among the dead, Sebastian embarks on a frightening journey to unravel who or what is behind this unimaginable evil.

The Evil Within is in development for the Xbox One, Xbox 360, PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3, and PC and is slated for release in 2014. For more details on The Evil Within visit: TheEvilWithin.com. 

Provisionally Rated PEGI 18. So don't blame me if you get nightmares from that video.

The Hall of the Mountain King

*

Had here a cover song "Mountain King" by the band Apocalyptica until copyrights(?) kicked in in Youtube. I understand the copyrights but I think with music it should be applied as it is with pictures etcetera: if you claim it's yours, it's violation. if you share it in nonprofit-way mentioning who the work belongs to, it is just like marketing, after all it is free advertisement for the band. Oh well... 

*

I'm not a fan of the music by Apocalyptica, but I enjoy the sound of cello, even if it is electric one. I also like this song for two more reasons: 1. amazing classical piece and 2. it reminds me of my dear childhood game "Ultima VIII: Pagan". Ah, the nostalgia.

(Copyrights belong to Origin Systems)

It was the kind of game that would make you see nightmares. In a very lovely way claustrophobic and haunting mood. Just as this old midi-song implies.

We are but Dust

(Copyrights belong to Sam Spratt)

I think I found myself an early x-mas present.

I want to Believe

The Truth is Out There

All space- and planet-pictures belong to NASA

This rather large post is a small drop of information about my love for outer space and specific types of Scifi. I already wrote a small - regrettable short - post about the second Scifi-phenomenon that left its mark in me; "The Battlestar Galactica" ("See the shape of things to come"), and now I wanted to write as short tale about couple of other personally influential things.

The game that stole my heart:

A spoiler-free "taste" of the trilogy

My relationship with Scifi is a very short one and it includes only few names, but the impact that those few names left is significant. They gave me a new kind of love towards outer space. I do not only look at the night-sky like looking at a black roof with bright lights. For me, my eyes go further and I can see the Moon circling around the Earth. I can feel the Earth moving within the vast space, see the Milky Way diving into these specific entities that hold in themselves countless of wonders. Space is the kind of scenery you cannot even imagine - less try to paint it with any traditional way. I am glad there are countless of digital-artists who have created the sceneries for us average people to look at.

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

                                                                   (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"Stand in the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer."

                                                                             (All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"After time adrift among open stars, among tides of light and to shoals of dust, I will return to where I began."

Mass Effect was a game-series I accidentally bumped into. My brothers had introduced me to the Bioware-company's previous Scifi-games "Star wars - Knights of the Old Republic", which was actually the first Scifi-experience - if not counting the Alien-movies, Star Wars-movies and few TV-shows. I fell in love with the games. And I found the world of Star Wars more meaningful again. I loved the first three movies when I was a kid, but they were like a outer-space fairy-tale that didn't give much to the more mature audience of the new growing generations. Yet I would never buy the upgraded-versions of the trilogy, that has CGI-raped the craftsmanship art of props. I mean, the creatures they created were amazing as they were. Re-doing them on a computer is like pissing all over Leonardo da Vinci's painting of "Mona Lisa".
But Star Wars deserves a whole another post to be talked about. As does the classic TV-show X-files - which I am quoting here a bit besides Mass Effect-quotes. I shared too many pictures to fit anything more here.

Since my dazed-eye idolizing worshiping is not a real inspiration-starter, here's some short storyline-captions about Mass Effect-trilogy:

"In the year 2148, explorers on Mars discovered the remains of an ancient space-faring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time.

They called it the greatest discovery in human history.

The civilizations of the galaxy call it... MASS EFFECT."

I personally have a soft-spot for any kind of ancient disappeared civilizations. All kind of mysteries and unknown stories really get to me. 

"The galaxy is trapped in an endless cycle of extinction. Every 50,000 years, an ancient machine race invades with ruthless efficiency, wiping out all advanced organic civilization. They leave behind only the scattered ruins of technology, and they destroy all evidence of their own existence.

Few believe this ancient legend. You, however, know it to be true. The fight to stop this extinction event has become the most important mission in the galaxy.

And it is your mission. As Commander Shepard of the SS Normandy, take your elite recon squad across a galaxy in turmoil in a desperate race to stop the return of an enemy without mercy. To stop this enemy, you must act without remorse, without hesitation, and outside the limits of the law. Your only imperative is to preserve the safety of civilized life in the galaxy—and at any cost. You must become the tip of the spear of humanity, for you alone know the full extent of what is at stake if you fail."

And another - a bit less pompous:

"As Commander Shepard, rise to become the galaxy’s most elite soldier and lead an all-out war to stop an ancient and ruthless enemy: the Reapers.

Heart-pounding action meets gripping interactive storytelling where you decide how your unique story unfolds. Assemble and lead your team aboard the SS-V Normandy, the most advanced ship in the galaxy, and travel to distant and unexplored star systems. On your journey, meet a cast of intriguing characters each with their own story to tell. Wield devastating weapons and customize them with upgrades to create new and devastating attacks. All the thrilling action and your decisions culminate into a heroic battle against the greatest threat ever known. 

The fate of the galaxy lies in your hands—how will you chose to fight for it?"

The introductions emphasizes the amount of action, but the main focus should be on the story-line and the storytelling since those are the most amazing qualities - at least to a "nongamer" who enjoys deep, well-created topnotch stories that take you deep into the story until you can't stop playing. It is a game that mostly evolves with the players own free will. What will you decide to do, who can you save and who you must sacrifice? Who will become your friend and who your enemy? Who is trustworthy and how will you end the story - is all up to you.

"You realize this plan has me walking into hell too. Hah, just like old times."

And not forgetting the huge amounts of humour in the trilogy.

                                    (Assumably the Illusive man is a tribute to the Smoking man, Cigarette man from X-files)

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

"Our home is where we are our place of origin is not relevant only where we choose to go together" 

(All digital-art pictures belong to Bioware)

For my love of outer space I also wanted to apply to the mission to Mars (which you can google probably with those exact words since I'm too lazy to put here the specifics), where they were supposed to find the first colonists on a one-way trip to Mars to build settlements there. But at the time they were looking worldwide for volunteers, I was in a relationship that I thought would last. If I had known it would end quickly I would have applied even with my slim chances. 

It is most likely that the humankind will self-destruct before ever getting to a point where we are able to travel in outer space or build settlements there, but I like to dream about those impossible things as do many others who hold great affection towards astronomy, outer space and Scifi-entertainment. And I would have wanted to be one of those people who would become the very first trying to achieve that huge leap in this world of idiocy, where people only care about the insignificant things that happen in their own lives or where people only care about making money. I salute those who have another meaningful existence in art or science. In anything that creates and inspects and solves. Some say that the human-race has only one purpose, and that is to breed, but I think we are - or we can be - a lot more than that.

As Brother Cavil from Battlestar Galactica said - quite accurately to what I feel: 

"I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas

 in this stupid limiting spoken language! 
                 But I know I want to reach out 

with something other 

than these prehensile paws! 

And feel the wind of a supernova flowing over me!

"On this night, thin is the veil, at Darkest hour I see most clear. Warmth of the candle light on my face, cold of the night against my back. I roam with the spirits of this land. Both worlds I seek, and see as one. What I will I now become."

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Everyday I am at work, I think about something I want to write about, yet I forget it right after I get home. Hunger, thirst, uncomfortable feeling and tiredness seem to dull my mind in the evening.

One realization I've made and remembered was that my energy or motivation to paint or draw hasn't been low because all this time I have just been lazy, but I've been just depressed enough that I've felt tired all the time unable to do what I wanted. Now that I'm feeling better my head is forming ideas and I'm dreaming of my summer-vacation when I could hopefully paint and finish all the unfinished projects. Now I'm still studying in the hope of getting a high school- diploma. Well, I think it's not exactly "high school", but since the education systems are different in every country, and I can't figure out any other word quite as fitting, I'll use that one.

*

When I was a kid, I saw this scary looking book in the local library, the book was called "Noidan käsikirja"/"Witches handbook". I think after looking into those pages of mysterious, odd and frightening in the eyes of a kid about 6-8 year old, I was the most afraid of vampires.

It sounds ridiculous to think, that some child would be scared of vampires out of all the supernatural monsters, but that amusement comes from the ruined image of vampires. The biggest causes for this were the TV-shows "Buffy the vampire slayer", "Twilight"-franchise and "True blood". Of course the Anne Rice's books - or most likely the movie-adaptations - have had some of the fault too, although I did like the "Interview with the Vampire". Probably because it was a book with desperate mood and the most unique descriptions of the vampiric-vision. I was impressed the way everything was described. Yet I feel that it too was at fault with damaging what the vampires used to mean in different folklore's. Now a days vampires are beautiful teenagers - or adults - who seem to walk around in the daylight and lack all the average weaknesses of the vampires in mythologies. No crosses, no garlic, no holy water and you can do whatever you want with them and they won't die.
And even when all the typical vampiristic characteristics fit, like in the "True Blood", which is great, but the supernatural aspects are lacking and the unique mind they supposedly have, like the book "Dracula" by Bram Stoker suggest as well as the "Interview with the vampire", is not there. Not to mention the icky-romance crap. I cannot understand the female-need to fantasize about being a human with supernatural hunks chasing after you. Its the main reason why vampires have lost their glamour - vampire-pun intended.
Vampires are supposedly mystic beings with their own hidden agendas, which include most of all draining blood from the humans. The mystical quality in them lies also in the fact that their true natures are hidden. They are the wolves in the sheep's-clothing. And all of this I have mentioned qualifies especially when thinking about the supernatural blood-thirsty vampires, who are nothing like human beings, yet they still have the knowledge of what it is like to act human, and they look the part to some degree. I even like the idea of the human in the new-born, "embraced" vampire-fledgling is gone, and only the shell of it remains yet it's inhabited by this monstrous creature.

One specific exception that almost has all the qualities I enjoy is the game (bear with me nongamers): "Vampire Masquerade - Bloodlines". Previous part "Redemption" is unknown to me for it's difficult attainability.

(Images belong to Troika Games)

It's now an old game, easy to find for example in Steam (google it if you don't understand), yet I still am in love with that game. It gives everything a vampire/horror-enthusiastic could desire for: you can only play the nights - and it really is a never-ending, beautiful night. The music entraps you into the sinister mood, that makes you feel like you're high from the blood you drink:

"I suddenly have the desire to walk down that dark and foreboding alley over there! ...Care to join me?"

There's a lot to tell, yet I won't make this a long story. The curious ones can read about it themselves or even better; just buy it from Steam and try it.

(Images belong to Troika Games)

A Grangel - my first clan. Ah, the nostalgia...

 (Images belong to Troika Games)

"Real terror is not the sight of death, it is the fear of death. What is the fear of death? Terror of the unknown. Is it these eyes you peer into? No, I am not the unknown; You and I are closer kin than you and it were."

--Pisha

(Images belong to Troika Games)

"I'm over here, boss! Wait, maybe I'm over here! Or maybe I'm behind you with a hatchet in my hand... or did you ever stop to think that your fear, if given a voice, would sound... like... this." - Gary

*

The amount of details the game developers have put in the game is astonishing. I - for example - love the nightly radio-broadcast "Deb of Night":

These still make me laugh.

*

Perhaps, for closure; for me, the real vampires are pretty much the folklore-ones. They are the undead monsters that drink human blood. Of course the specifics varies between different mythologies, but they are monsters.

But I also do not like the monster-movies versions of the vampires, like in the movie "30 days of night". But that was mostly because the plot and storyline didn't really deliver.

This is just the top of the iceberg. There's tons of bad and good examples. And this little blabber wasn't really an introduction to vampires in entertainment, but just a small ranting about my own views, what I like. Quite as boring as it seems.

La Mer

Beautiful autumn day.

The sunlight really brightens up the yellow and red trees. Although I'm not a huge fan of the autumn colours, I can't deny their beauty at this light.

Probably tonight you could see numerous stars in the sky as long as the clouds stay away.

I think I'm quite happy now. The feeling comes most likely from my medication, but I am usually quite happy and a content person. It was just everything that happened to me in the past year that changed me from a happy carefree guy into this barely functioning wreck of a man. 

Even when I lived alone, I was happy with my life. Seasons came and changed, and I found pleasant things from my life and I couldn't have asked for more. Of course I used to dream about having someone special, since everyone wants and needs to feel loved, but I was also just content at dreaming about having something more in my life. Not to make my life somehow more than what it is and always has been, but to bring something more into it. If that makes any sense.

I believe in making life matter for myself. I don't need any other reasons to live and find happiness but to find the meaning and the balance from making my life good for me. It could  
have been just a whole lot of small things, but as long as they made me smile, they were more than enough.
If you have to start looking happiness and fulfillment only from outside yourself, and not finding the core of it from within you, then when all the things that make you feel like your life matters and you're achieving your meaning in life disappears - as we know, nothing lasts forever - you would lose everything. The whole base that kept you content and gave you reason to get up in the morning would no longer exist. To me that sounds like a very dangerous way to live. You can't only base your happiness and dreams on other people. You need to find things you enjoy and that makes you happy. It can't only be your career either, but that's something that can make everyday seem like a dream.

And I'm still continuing with the Bioshock -gameseries soundtrack. It's simply amazing and beautiful. 

Here's a song that you might have heard somewhere. For example in the season 1 of American Horror Story:



I'm listening these songs from my gramophone to get into the right mood.

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to play the newest game: Bioshock Infinite, although I have heard that it's really spectacular game.

Since I linked a bunch of these songs and nothing about the actual games, I might make my next update about the games.

"May the Night Mother wrap you in her cold, loving embrace"

(Copyrights of these pictures belong to Elder Scroll franchise)

To get the taste of summer as the autumn descents, I've once again taken the old, old project of mine under way: The Elder Scrolls Oblivion IV.

The first time I heard about this game, was several years ago. My elder brother told me about a game, that had a wide world filled with realistic never-ending adventure. You could just run through a forest and hunt a deer or climb a high hill to bask in the breathtaking scenery.

Also there was monsters, beasts, bandits lurking in the forest and roads and old ancient ruins. If you're the kind of person who doesn't frown upon fantasy-adventures, you will like this game. Otherwise you might have to skip this whole post. Just enjoy the pictures.

As much as the adventure of a wide, wide world means to me, and the freedom of doing whatever I want to do, whenever I want, there's the downsides to Oblivion. But since every adventure has its merits and appeal at the very first time, I won't talk about the things that start to really pick your nerves after you have started the game several times, got stuck into doing way too many quests, until you start to get tired, and you're still not making any progress to play the game to the end.

Some things that also appeal to me, are the deism and the history in the Tamriel. I've always liked the idea of ancient civilization, that has remained mostly a mystery; the people in it, the stories the answers to all the questions as for what happened to the civilization, what was its downfall.

And if you like to choose a character, who's not your average mage, nor a warrior, you can always choose the path of the night, and join the Dark Brotherhood, to find the meaning of the game through poison and deceit.

"Love will swallow You whole and pick His teeth with Your bones"

The Office (US) and Assassins Creed are the key-words of this week.

Although I'm not really getting into the AC, I'm still trying.
I need more freedom in the game or something that grasps my interest.
And The Office-tv show is great and funny whether it's the US-version or the UK-version.

Also I've promised to be a test(?)reader for my friends story.

A dog-fever has taken over me. I keep seeing cute dogs everywhere. Unlike cats dogs are always happy-looking and they get excited over every little thing. Just looking at them makes me smile.
I had my mind decided on getting two husky-dogs after I one day get my own house, but I've been stretching my resolution with thinking about getting a small dog that would manage in smaller apartments until I would get the house, I've always dreamed of.

But getting a dog is much more hard work and brings much more expenses than a cat. So I'm just been playing with the idea in my mind.

"Oh, Lilian, Look what you've done, You've stripped my heart, Ripped it apart, In the name of fun"

I'm starting to feel more normal after a couple weeks of disorientation, distress and all in all confusion and unwell.

The failed relationship, time wasted and dreams postponed for nothing. Left with a broken heart and the realization, that everything I thought to be true, was nothing but a big lie, took its toll on me. I believe all that was wearing me out, but with the help of medication, I can get better.

Also part of the reasons I'm in this condition is the feeling of the weight of years slipping away, without getting forward with my ambitions and dreams. That eats me up inside.
And the past I've had. All the sickness and violence, sleepless nights, heart ache and heartbreak.

It's all still overwhelming to talk about.

I'm just glad I have a bigger dosage of antidepressants to help me get through this.

Unfortunately I have nothing else of interest to tell right now. I've almost finished the Walking Dead telltale version, and it's been a hell of a ride. I had a chance to compare the tv-show with the game, and for my amazement I noticed that unlike with the game, the characters of the show could bash zombie's brains in without getting a drop of blood on them. I don't know if television limits the freedom to be realistic in some things.

And in the game, there's some things that I could imagine happening in a zombie-apocalypse, and things I could have not imagined, yet after realizing what the things are and how they are brought up in the game, I wish the tv-show would get imaginative like that. I mean, there are bandits, secluded survival camps and harsh acts in the name of survival, but they haven't gone into details of what it would be like to live in a world that has been destroyed by zombie-apocalypse. Some things have been shown, some things haven't.

I don't want to spoil the shock of finding out those things yourself, so I won't mention them.

But it's a great journey to discover the plot twists yourself.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

"I'm broken too. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable, psychological problems. Maybe brain damage."

My depression took a turn to the worst, but I got a bigger dosage for my medication, so I'm feeling hopeful for my condition to get better.

And listening to Voltaire has kept me in a better mood. I still have to suppress my smile while listening to some of the songs. I don't want people to think I'm mad when I'm smiling to myself.

Now I'm relaxing at home, watching The Big Bang Theory, which is a good show for killing time or wanting to relax, while drinking beer.

And after I feel like I have more energy, I'm going to continue playing the Walking Dead Telltale-version, which is a game concentrating on the survival of a zombie apocalypse. What kind of choices you have to make and how will they affect you and the people around you. It's really intriguing - and hard making life or death- decisions while the survivors are counting on my help.

There was a hole here - it's gone now

I'm the kind of person who likes horror movies. Movies from the 80's like Halloween, Hellraiser, Friday the 13th, which are campy and at times make you laugh or snicker at the stupidity of the characters or because of the funny movie effects, which aren't raising feelings of horror - if that even was the filmmakers intention. And Asian horror is great too, movies like Shutter, The Grudge, The Ring, which are all psychological horror, that makes your hair stand and cause goosebumps all over your skin.
And there's also artistic or suspending horrors like Suspiria, Rosemary's baby, the original Wickerman and good old science fiction horror, like The Thing and Alien-movies. Also many more to be mentioned in many different categories.

But I do not care for splatter or gore. They're usually for one-time watching only. They're not funny, they do not cause fear, they're just gruesomely violent and bloody. There seems to be more blood in those movies, than actual bleeding victims.
And usually the whole point of those kind of movies is to make the viewer queasy by showing the most imaginative acts of violence possible.

I can understand the point of view, when someone watches those kind of violent movies out of curiosity or to try to endure watching horrifying things, but those kind of movies are sometimes without any story or definitely without any moral of the story.

I started to think about this when I decided to check out the newer version of Evil Dead (2013):

It was visually good looking, and I liked the musics in it, but it was nothing more than a bloody massacre with demons in the background. It was so filled with violence, that it started to get comical forms. I mean if you get stabbed a dozen times, you probably wouldn't survive or even remain consciousness while you're bleeding like a stuck pig - and still get stabbed with all sort of sharp objects. Ridiculous.
And in the end, the amount of blood got even more ridiculous forms. Not to mention the forced catch-phrase before the survival kills the monster. That kind of catch-phrasing should be left for action movies only. After all, action movies are half of the time made with a twinkle in the eye. But seriously made horror movies gets their ratings dropped even lower if there's a out of place un- or intentional comical moment.

*

Even more than the horror movies I like horror games. Not only the terror intensifies when you're in charge of the story, but there's usually a fascinating and haunting story, that leaves you perplexed and breathless in the end.

And for example I could give you the first four Silent Hill-games that were made by the original team called team Silent.
There meets the amazing story line, musics and atmosphere creating an experience that you will not forget. It's an art form to create amazing stories with moral, mystery, empathy and amazement.

Silent Hill will always have a special place in my heart for being the first horror games I ever played and watched being played.

"In my restless dreams, I see that town... Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again some day... but you never did. Well, I'm alone there now - in our special place... waiting for you."

  Misty day, remains of the Judgment.