"Elgara vallas, da'len, Melava somniar, Mala taren aravas Ara ma'desen melar"

(Copyrights belong to me)

Trying out different medications. Unable to work at the moment, but need to return back within two weeks time. Trying to relax, played some games, but all is for naught with this anxiety, which I blame on my medication. Different medication and different way it works in me. Difficult to write about it, but I hope few minor adjustments would help me get back where I was if not help me get a bit better.

But it is tough to abandon all your future dreams and ambitions. I must admit that this is my life now, and who knows it will be my life for the rest of my life. There might be no way for me to get any better. Depression had become such a large part of me, like a cancer - sorry about the metaphor cancer-patients, but it feels fitting to call it that. I guess only depressed understand other depressed people.

Anyway, there's not much to write about. with the sudden bursts of energy I managed to start painting few paintings, but all of it has to wait till I feel better with this anxiety that takes all my time and energy.

The Pound of Flesh

Horrible nightmares have left my waking hours a bit darker; nightmares about never receiving acceptance and love from my father and about my ex - who usually never visited my dreams after the break-up. Each dream oddly relevant. Usually my dreams make no sense, but this time they had the actual fears and horrors of real life. Failed relationships that stay in the shadows of the waking hour. But the apartment where I live I am constantly reminded of those two things; a family I never had and the failed relationship and the opportunity to see what a normal functional family looks like. There's several houses around the apartment-complex, each filled with gardens and families barbecuing in their backyards. It is a world I've never known and I find it also very strange.

And perhaps my lack of sleep has started to affect my psyche, since I haven't been quite as well as I was previously. But that is my fault entirely. Lack of sleep makes you more prone to depression.

*

I still haven't finished my DIY-books, -fireplace and other smaller projects. And yet I keep adding more into the "unfinished projects" -piles: a vase with fruits and skulls. Inspired from the TV-series Hannibal. I think one was shown in the 2. season, somewhere in the last episodes dinner-scenes. I'm feeling too lazy to start searching for the particular picture.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”

My fake-fireplace is almost ready. I used all the wood-pieces I've gathered over the years from trash-sites. I first gathered wood-boards for painting; pieces of shelves, cabinet doors and whatever bigger pieces I happened to come across. I find re-using things the smart thing to do since just keep buying wood from the stores is quite pointless when people throw away so much of them. You can't even use them as firewood if they are painted or if the population doesn't have fireplaces or don't want to gather discarded boards to burn. There are of course cheap wood-boards for sale, like the hardboard, and it is quite good for painting. Not as easy to hang on the wall for being so thin, but it is light and cheap.
Anyway, I ran out of fitting pieces for my fireplace, but it doesn't matter since it is almost done. I shared a website-link - or two - in one of my previous posts, but there are a lot of instructions for building one. All you need to do is look.

And the painting for the roof is still underway. It's going to be a lot of work, since there are so many small details. I probably have to work on it for a long time.

I've also been planning to make my own tarot-cards. For that I think I could find a cheap, probably used, plain card-pack, paint it white and then use ink to draw the pictures I want. And of course I will plan the pictures myself.

I find the cards to be beautiful works of art. And also the original mysticism around them fascinates me. I'd like to read more about them, like how they became to be, and how they managed to survive in the world of Christianity. After all, the Christians tried to destroy every last thing that had anything to do with mysticism, witch-craft and anything not-christian-god-related. Also why are the cards what they are; why is there a Tower-card or a Hermit-card. They interest me.

"The silver apples of the moon, The golden apples of the sun."

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

I am finally on a vacation. Things get done but I also have time to just relax. Wish I had some pictures to share about the projects I am doing, but it is way too early to share.

But here's a link to a project I intend to start. Perhaps there are others who might find this do-it-yourself-project (DIY) interesting and useful.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

"Aures habent et non audient"

Poor man's do-it-yourself: 
a found bottle and the remains of my window-paint from the earlier post "The Full Circle".

I apologize for the blurry photo, but I wasn't sure if I would even put this picture here so I took only one quick shot. I wanted to share this if there are anyone who can't afford to buy actual artistic occult-bottles - which was my inspiration on this one - and who, like me,  like to do stuff for themselves just to get things for themselves as quickly as the first inspiration comes to mind. Things, that are not perfect, but still they please me. Which is the main reason for doing anything. All the books I've been painting all the paintings and what-not's have always been just for me. And yet I think I might not be the only one. So if anyone gets an idea from this technique I used, I hope I could help somehow.

If I weren't so lazy as I am, this un-perfectionist, I could take a better picture. But enough about explaining my lack of carefulness! I had mostly red window-paint left so I used that although I would have preferred to use black paint instead. Although I do like the colour red, I still don't like to use it much. Mostly in paintings but otherwise my home hasn't got many red things.

At some other time I could show the books I've been painting. I think I wrote some other posts about finding free used books to decorate, so to speak, so that's an interesting project which I recommend to anyone out there, who might like to make some artistic-books for themselves. No reason to throw old books away when you can give them a new life.

"Beware The woods at night, Beware The Lunar light - Come cast your spell on me."

Unfinished painting. My summer-vacation project. Or - one of the projects. I intend to do some fast oil-paintings from my photographs. I've wanted to organize an art-exhibition for quite some time, for years actually, and I still want that. The difference being is that now I feel like myself and have the energy to try to do that.

I shouldn't share unfinished paintings (and blurry pictures) yet I felt this one portraits the latest things in my life and mind. I'm also running short on new pictures to add here. And since I am more visual with my expressions it would be kinda foolish to communicate without pictures.

"Justice may have once been blind, But now she can see, She just lost her mind, So we put her away"

(Copyrights belong to me)

Perhaps the unfulfilled need to be loved makes me feel like I am a bad person somehow. I don't even know how I would be a bad person, but I've always been able to relate myself with the villains rather than heroes. Only because of this feeling of being no-good, unlovable, somehow not like anyone else for always being secluded from life. 
People telling me that I'm good doesn't really seem to have any effect on this way of thinking.

It seems that I am doomed to live with this false shadow over my head. I hope it remains false, that I won't make it reality since of my lack of respect towards my own being. I cannot ever fully like myself as long as I'm being disliked by people for just being who I am, the way I was born, by the people who raised me and the choices and mistakes I've done.
I always found it to be unfair, that for example my ex's father seemed to more or less secretly despise me although I never did anything bad to him, nor his daughter. It can be exhausting to be hated for just being alive.

*

(Copyrights belong to me)

That ends the thoughts of today.

Now after my window-painting I've directed my attention to the roof. I've been planning some kind of easily removable roof-painting. Some kind of astrological map of stars. Maybe in the weekend I can start planning.

The Full Circle

I will post a better photo after I've finished the painting. But here is is at the moment - almost done, yet i might add some other colours to it and I need to repaint more layers so that the colours would get more vivid and intense. They are quite transparent that's why they are not strong and need more layers. Also I might fix few problems, like the circles lack of roundness. It is quite challenging to paint with special window-paint.

(My window, my design, my copyrights)

I had to paint the whole thing straight onto the window without any plans, so there are some anatomical errors there, but it is for my window, so who cares. I don't. I guess the only way to draw the plans first would need some kind of ink-pen that can be erased with some alcohol-type of liquid. I just draw straight on. 

Started with the simple shapes and line by line went from there. I suggest that if you're not confident enough you should find a way to plan before executing the painting. It's easy to scratch the paint off, but that also means that you are wasting paint.
I bought this paint from Finnish online-shop Sinelli. It was quite cheap paint and it had the main colours for window-painting, like in the windows of gothic churches, like blue, yellow, red, black and ready green.

“Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven.”

(Copyrights belong to me)

I find my stock of spring-pictures lacking. And spring is soon at its end, and I haven't had the time to go out and photograph the suddle changes in the nature.

*

Again new ambitious plans are forming; I've started to collect some worthless, free books to turn into something different. I have some already and I'm waiting for some large delivery from people all over town, who have books that they don't need and are willing to give for free of charge just to get rid of them.

And what I will make of them, at least the covers of them (insides are a question-mark - to leave them as they are or to do something to them):

This one is from the Halloweenforum <-

More books and ideas can be found from a lot of places, just try different keywords.

I wouldn't dare to lay a hand on any of my most valued books, like books from Dostoevsky,  Kafka and countless of others. Thus I will use only the worthless books to transform them into something more pleasing to my eyes.

I heard your Call, my black-winged Friend. I saw you high above; against the Blue Sky

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Too much to do. Can't write for some time - or at least cannot write much.

Made a small "comic" with an used idea yet I think to us quiet ones it never gets old. 
It just came to mind today. No ink used, though. I don't have the time now. I drew it with average pencil in about couple of minutes. It is more like a draft than anything else so it might look a bit crappy. I just have been thinking about making small comic-strips about some things in my personal life. Don't know when I have the time but since I'm over-worked and dead-tired, I wanted to do something relaxing for a change. So, here it is.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

I'm just like any other antisocial person or a hermit-character. Even though I can get along and I can join into a conversation, at times, when it is not necessary I just like to observe.

Capricornus

(Copyrights belong to me)

(Copyrights belong to me)

Although developing black and white film is expensive, I bumped into some of old half-developed pictures from my b&w-film camera course and I started to squint at the little pictures with hopeful feeling that they might hold some treasures, pictures that have succeeded, and I can't help but to feel the desire to see what they look like when they are fully developed.

I'm getting swamped by personal-projects - and project-ideas. I've gotten ideas about animal rights-paintings or illustrations, but I don't have time to draw nor paint, although I have found the spark again. Since it's been about 3 months since my medication was increased and I've felt normal ever since. I doubted if I'd ever feel normal again, yet here I am. I now have the energy to get through the studying - which I must get back to about now. I just wanted to "spill my guts" here. After all, writing things down is part of my self-therapy.

*

One unpleasant shocker was my dream last night, which was about my ex. So I thought about the traumatizing break-up almost all day and how I feel about all that now. It starts to feel like a distant nightmare, and sometimes I even wonder, did it ever happen or was it all just a bad dream. Alas, not just a bad dream. 
I'm quite healed for most parts, yet of course there will be some scars that never go away. I guess that for most people breaking up is just one part of the long line of social history. As normal as dating and being in a relationship. Love comes and love goes. For me, I always thought that when I would find love, it would be a once in a life-time opportunity. Something I would never experience more than once yet it would stick, because I would never let it slip away. And now it seems that it's not even once in a life-time thing. 
Now I feel that the largest painting-project I did few years back is a symbol for my relationship with women. I can't copy the picture of the painting here, because it is a triptych-painting that consist three paintings that form a larger body. I named it "Gorgon-eyed Goddess", and it portraits a distant goddess. The Gorgon-eyed seems appropriate, since the two women I have loved have never loved me back. Thus it is fitting, that the picture should have a beautiful woman who is for to look at and admire. And her gaze consists of complete lack of warmth. Not hatred instead, just the lack of love or any kind of affection.

I know that some women consider one-sided love by men the most pathetic form of affection but that is how it went. And the other story wasn't my fault, that is one reason why it was so traumatizing. I do not blame anyone for not having loving emotions, I blame the one who tricked and lied about her emotions. That is something I can never forget nor forgive.

What I am trying to say, in some kind of summary is that I will never understand the life most people seem to live. And there's hundreds of things I will never experience like going to parties or getting married or just socializing with all kinds of people, befriending them and just doing things people seem to do. Even if a miracle happens, and I get into university, I won't find any new friends from there. I seem to lack that talent altogether. I get along with everyone, I'm polite and people are nice to me, and it is all fine and dandy, yet it never goes anywhere from there. I do not know which part of my psyche is the one with the lacking readiness. Gods; humans are machines without the programming to find errors or any kind of faulty mechanisms. All we can do is guess or let people point our faults to us.

Ever since I was a ten or eleven years old I draw myself inside a glass-box looking outside. Such a melancholic child, although I understand now why I felt that way. Perhaps it is time that allows us to understand some parts of ourselves that we didn't notice nor understand previously.
Reading the entrance exam-reading material also has brought some light to some things. I only wish I had had time to take psychology-courses since that is the area all the material consists of.

(A bit blurry photo by yours truly - it's blurry because it was night-time and that light there comes from a lamp - wanted to add it here still for the mood in the picture)

(Copyrights belong to me)

"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance"

(Copyrights belong to me)

I've been tired, lazy and spending a bit too much money on stuff for my apartment. Yet I found really fairly priced fake-skulls from Ebay, that I had to buy them. 
Skulls are one of the things I simply find beautiful; the shapes, the colours are just amazing. Truly one of those things that are naturally beautiful. I could admire them all day long.
If you, my reader, are interested in buying skulls (and if roaming in the forests looking for them doesn't "pay off"), just go to Ebay or Etsy. I usually prefer Ebay for the price. 
If I found reasonable priced skulls, so will you.

I have also been doing research on steampunk-computers, so I could pimp my desk computer into one. If or when succeeded I will post a photo. But I suspect that this will be a long project.

One project I manage to finish was transforming one wall into a dark green one. Not as dark as I wanted, but since I couldn't paint the wall nor put tapestry on it - for I live in a rented apartment - I did what I always do; bought a long fabric and attached it onto the wall. I dare say it's a good - and fast - option when you can't do anything permanent on your asylum-white-walls. The result isn't smooth, of course, and usually it looks really good without being smooth.

And talking about painting; since I feel like doing all kinds of projects, I also am slowly finishing up some of my unfinished paintings. I am excited about one particular work.

Perhaps these are the kind of projects that have taken my interest over studying. Although I admit, I feel that the studying should take higher priority, but what can I say. Everyone needs to take a little time off every now and then.

*

I won't talk about the studying, since I feel a bit down by the lack of it. But like I said; I have been tired and lazy. Do not know which exactly but all I know is that I can't force myself to do anything. Have tried it - never succeeded.

Since I do not have much to write about, as I seem to have been feeling well enough not to write my usual rantings, I'll keep this post short.

(Copyrights belong to me)

For friends of humour, especially dark, twisted and hilarious humour; check out the animation-series Robot Chicken. That pretty much sums up my whole week.

Bacchanalia, The Feast of my Patron

(Copyrights belongs to me)

I have been feeling real lazy and/or tired lately. Yet again. Although I don't feel depressed, still more neutral than anything, I'm trying to figure out why I'm so tired if it is not depression acting up. Could it be, that I'm just normally tired for doing physical labor 35,1 hours per week? And spending my evenings more or less actively studying? I like to think so. And I also like to think, that it's ok to rest once in a while. That I deserve this and if I feel tired, it must be my body and psyche saying; take it easy. Whatever the truth is, I'm now going with that. I get tired just by thinking about the lack of time. I should just take it easy. Dealing with things when I come to that point. Living day by day.

So now I'm about to relax.

I wanted to write something about my obsession with my home; why I'm picky about people coming here, who can and who can't come, why it's important that my home pleases me and my needs from reading to hanging up my own paintings and what not.

For some people home is just a place to relax, sleep and socialize. For me, my home is a safe-place - a haven. I spend most of my time here, inside these walls, and I feel like it's my cocoon. No evil, no horrors of reality can penetrate these walls. Even when I'm or I was feeling depressed I felt more calm and content by being at my home. Being inside here doesn't feel like I'm locked in. I just wonder how many feel this way too. At least I can figure that out when I see different homes. I know who actually spend a lot of time there, how much their interior tells about them and what they appreciate.

I've started some unfinished projects at my home. Like re-painting my kitchen table to a more natural-wood colour, and I've even planned if I could shape the legs into lion-pawns, or maybe sculpting some of the wooden parts into dragon-heads.

Another project has been to figure out some way to turn one wall into another color without painting or putting a tapestry on it, since I live in a rented apartment. My landlord is cool, but I don't think he would approve my taste, so I probably need to do what I always do, when I want a different colour wall; I buy fabric/curtains, and hang them on the wall, so they cover it up. Not the most cheapest solution, but if you want some colours, you would have to paint over with white or other more approved color. Especially black is forbidden colour. I do not know why. Black is the colour of mid-winter sky at a moonless night. It's the colour of human-pupils, and as we know the saying "you can see the soul from eyes".

*

On the top of this post is an etching-work I did few years back. Not really my kind of work that etching, although it's an experience, and all artists should at least try it.

But the thing I was portraying is Bacchus, Dionysos, who is one of my favourite gods of all of the old and new gods. Although he's an ancient Greek and Roman god, I always have had this special interest in those gods of those ancient times.

(A horrible water-colour "plan" of some painting I never got to do; 13x25cm)

The exact nature of the god changes a bit from where you read about him, but the main thing is that he's a god of wine, celebration, fertility, theater and you could say "arts". Some details differ.

I also find it fascinating, that some have compared him to the Christian Jesus Christ. That's because both are "gods" of reincarnation, both have died and reborn. Bacchus was eaten alive as a child by some monsters, perhaps gorgons, I can't remember the exact details. Only his heart was spared, and Zeus took it and recreated his son in his thigh. And also it is said that the child-Bacchus was ripped apart by Titans with the same ending. Other story says that the mortal mother of Bacchus was burned alive when seeing the real god-form of Zeus, and so Zeus took his unborn son and put him into his thigh. When Bacchus was born (again), he was at least by one story, raised by the god Hermes (step-brother in the light of relations), and to keep Bacchus safe from jealous Hera, Bacchus was raised up as a "girl". 

There are so many interesting details about Bacchus, that I recommend that the interested readers should read more about him from wherever you want.

I have many favourite things in Greek and Roman mythologies from the classical god-deities to the monsters, and I've always been inspired by the stories. I even made a painting-collection dedicated to that theme. I had a whole bunch of other ideas streaming in my head for couple of years, and the ideas exist still, even though I can't paint with the lack of time and space.

I had some Minotaurus-ideas tickling my brain, and I really hope I can someday get these pestering ideas out of my head.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly, tempera- and oilpaint on board, 100x100cm)

Yes, this seems to be my style: bright-colours and not so realistic touch with a hint of symbolism. 

I always think about how much I want to use real models for a change, and learn to paint realism before anything else, but without models I can only create from my head. Which is fine too, but I cannot help but to remember all the paintings I've started or finished with portraits of actual people. There is a night and day -difference there. With at least a face of a actual person the whole work becomes something else.

So if you, dear reader, are a painter or any kind of visual-artist, and you want to do realism or try it, all you have to do is get yourself a model. Even a really good, big picture is fine, if the final work will be on some smaller canvas or you have other means to copy the realism into your painting without frustrating re-sizing methods and you're capable of capturing the actual realistic features from a photograph into a bigger canvas.

Now that I feel more artistic again, I get these cravings to get painting. Gods, how I wish I had time, space and canvases to do that.

"On this night, thin is the veil, at Darkest hour I see most clear. Warmth of the candle light on my face, cold of the night against my back. I roam with the spirits of this land. Both worlds I seek, and see as one. What I will I now become."

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Everyday I am at work, I think about something I want to write about, yet I forget it right after I get home. Hunger, thirst, uncomfortable feeling and tiredness seem to dull my mind in the evening.

One realization I've made and remembered was that my energy or motivation to paint or draw hasn't been low because all this time I have just been lazy, but I've been just depressed enough that I've felt tired all the time unable to do what I wanted. Now that I'm feeling better my head is forming ideas and I'm dreaming of my summer-vacation when I could hopefully paint and finish all the unfinished projects. Now I'm still studying in the hope of getting a high school- diploma. Well, I think it's not exactly "high school", but since the education systems are different in every country, and I can't figure out any other word quite as fitting, I'll use that one.

*

When I was a kid, I saw this scary looking book in the local library, the book was called "Noidan käsikirja"/"Witches handbook". I think after looking into those pages of mysterious, odd and frightening in the eyes of a kid about 6-8 year old, I was the most afraid of vampires.

It sounds ridiculous to think, that some child would be scared of vampires out of all the supernatural monsters, but that amusement comes from the ruined image of vampires. The biggest causes for this were the TV-shows "Buffy the vampire slayer", "Twilight"-franchise and "True blood". Of course the Anne Rice's books - or most likely the movie-adaptations - have had some of the fault too, although I did like the "Interview with the Vampire". Probably because it was a book with desperate mood and the most unique descriptions of the vampiric-vision. I was impressed the way everything was described. Yet I feel that it too was at fault with damaging what the vampires used to mean in different folklore's. Now a days vampires are beautiful teenagers - or adults - who seem to walk around in the daylight and lack all the average weaknesses of the vampires in mythologies. No crosses, no garlic, no holy water and you can do whatever you want with them and they won't die.
And even when all the typical vampiristic characteristics fit, like in the "True Blood", which is great, but the supernatural aspects are lacking and the unique mind they supposedly have, like the book "Dracula" by Bram Stoker suggest as well as the "Interview with the vampire", is not there. Not to mention the icky-romance crap. I cannot understand the female-need to fantasize about being a human with supernatural hunks chasing after you. Its the main reason why vampires have lost their glamour - vampire-pun intended.
Vampires are supposedly mystic beings with their own hidden agendas, which include most of all draining blood from the humans. The mystical quality in them lies also in the fact that their true natures are hidden. They are the wolves in the sheep's-clothing. And all of this I have mentioned qualifies especially when thinking about the supernatural blood-thirsty vampires, who are nothing like human beings, yet they still have the knowledge of what it is like to act human, and they look the part to some degree. I even like the idea of the human in the new-born, "embraced" vampire-fledgling is gone, and only the shell of it remains yet it's inhabited by this monstrous creature.

One specific exception that almost has all the qualities I enjoy is the game (bear with me nongamers): "Vampire Masquerade - Bloodlines". Previous part "Redemption" is unknown to me for it's difficult attainability.

(Images belong to Troika Games)

It's now an old game, easy to find for example in Steam (google it if you don't understand), yet I still am in love with that game. It gives everything a vampire/horror-enthusiastic could desire for: you can only play the nights - and it really is a never-ending, beautiful night. The music entraps you into the sinister mood, that makes you feel like you're high from the blood you drink:

"I suddenly have the desire to walk down that dark and foreboding alley over there! ...Care to join me?"

There's a lot to tell, yet I won't make this a long story. The curious ones can read about it themselves or even better; just buy it from Steam and try it.

(Images belong to Troika Games)

A Grangel - my first clan. Ah, the nostalgia...

 (Images belong to Troika Games)

"Real terror is not the sight of death, it is the fear of death. What is the fear of death? Terror of the unknown. Is it these eyes you peer into? No, I am not the unknown; You and I are closer kin than you and it were."

--Pisha

(Images belong to Troika Games)

"I'm over here, boss! Wait, maybe I'm over here! Or maybe I'm behind you with a hatchet in my hand... or did you ever stop to think that your fear, if given a voice, would sound... like... this." - Gary

*

The amount of details the game developers have put in the game is astonishing. I - for example - love the nightly radio-broadcast "Deb of Night":

These still make me laugh.

*

Perhaps, for closure; for me, the real vampires are pretty much the folklore-ones. They are the undead monsters that drink human blood. Of course the specifics varies between different mythologies, but they are monsters.

But I also do not like the monster-movies versions of the vampires, like in the movie "30 days of night". But that was mostly because the plot and storyline didn't really deliver.

This is just the top of the iceberg. There's tons of bad and good examples. And this little blabber wasn't really an introduction to vampires in entertainment, but just a small ranting about my own views, what I like. Quite as boring as it seems.

King Nothing

Studying continues. Weekends go by too fast. A lot of work to do and so little time - and for crying out loud spring is almost here already! 
I haven't had time to try the comic-strip idea, that I could try to portray something about my life in some humorous attempt.
Which might be interesting to try, since my humor can be really dry and dumb.

And about studying; I have to admit that my English is all but perfect. Not even "great", perhaps "good" - at least most days. I keep hearing in my head what other people might say about the incorrect words or phrasing here in my blog. I have to apologize to the grammar-Nazi's out there! I know it is fashionable to pick at people with bad grammar, but I do not do it intentionally and some times I am quite aware of my mistakes. Perhaps I'm sometimes too lazy to check or (double-check) or too much in the zone, that I get "word-blind", unable to see my mistakes.

But at least my medication is working which keeps me afloat day after day - feeling a bit better. And today I suddenly thought I might have seen a glimpse of my old self. Something optimistic. Perhaps a lot older now, more scarred, yet familiar.
I have to find myself again now that I'm recovering from a failed relationship, the things it brought with it and with my depression.

*

(Etching, copyrights belong to me)

Cast your Spell on me

Surprisingly I found myself painting yesterday night. And more surprisingly: with acrylic colours. They've never been my favorites, but last night I painted with them to save time - oil colours dry up for a really long time. I have to say that now I'm really into acrylic colours. How fast the technique is and how interesting the colours look on the canvas. You can have thick solid layers and at the same time you can make something that looks lucid like water colour.
I wanted to make a few paintings for my wall so they're not great but good enough for me.

*

Here's an old painting I did. I don't have time to make new ones. But this one has many of the characteristics I like to use. Like a frame around the subjects - whether it's trees or shadows. I also like to use symbolism, mythology and halo's. This character's halo is not around her head though and that's because I had trouble with the painting. My teacher didn't like this painting and it's not my favourite either, but it has all the things I love to do, so in that sense I like it. 

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Oil on canvas. Small, about 50x30cm.

"What if all the world's inside of your head, Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Difficulties with concentration. I'm trying to study, but it's quite difficult. Analyzing poems is really difficult. I'm getting a headache.

I'm also very tired. Been tired for two days now. I wish I could just sleep through this dark winter. I've liked the fact that it's been a bit snowy lately and that the weather's been clear and beautiful, but still I'm so tired all the time, that I can't get anything done.

On a lighter note I bought myself a used old battery-based camera. I'll be able to do some quick artistic works with it, so that's a good news for me. I don't have time to do any art now that I'm working and then studying - or trying to - in my free time. After I get the camera and I get the chance to go take some pictures I'll share some of them here. It will be a nice chance to get some new pictures taken. All I have left are old, old photos. Very nostalgic and precious to me, but really old.

"Right where it belongs"

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all...
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself...
Find yourself afraid to see?

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

"Be spared the pain - That comes from a dark and laughing rain"

Quick musical interruption and then I must study.

Today I got an inspiration to hone one of my scifi-comic stories into a more better ("modern") version. I've always wanted to make something of the world of science fiction - and the one that centers in outer space. I tried to make a painting, but with paintings it's difficult to portray what it means to travel among the stars. 
It truly is the final frontier, and I guess me as well as many others have kept dreaming that we might some day try to reach the stars instead of be content to fight about the things happening on Earth.
We can dream through visions - if nothing else.


And the fitting music to help me vision these milky way dreams are from Bear McCreary: 

"Gaeta's Lament - Instrumental"

"Kara remembers" 

"By Your Command" - Richard Gibbs

My Diabolical Streak

Today I figured out one reason that might have triggered my depression - besides many other reasons. I was graduated from my last school over a year ago, and now I'm just collecting money and living. I'm not doing anything important. Nothing that would challenge me. I like getting paid and being able to live with a bit more luxury, but as long as I want something else for my life, I'm never going to be happy with the way things are right now.

At least I've been making small ink-drawings to hang on my walls, so my time's not completely wasted.

I don't want to sound ungrateful for my job, which I'm grateful for, and I've noticed that things I whine about or take for granted, I usually lose after a short while, so I do not want to make the mistake of complaining things that are well in my life.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly) 

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly) 

These are exactly my style: half-assed and quickly drawn without any actual models. So do not pay any attention to details and mistakes. These were made for my walls only. I'm just so glad that I got some new pictures done, that I decided to share these here.

Old dusty books covered in spiderwebs

I'm a collector of old books. Old and beautiful books. I have old and old looking newer books containing history, Dostojevski and Shakespeare. And many more I want to buy. Waiting for me in Ebay.

I got some problem with the next payment from my job, so I missed a beautiful book on Ebay, because my reason stopped me from going too far. I would have to eat dust, if I would've bought the book, because I would be broke.
It still stings though. Not a day passes without me wishing that I was a millionaire. Oh well...

Since my early youth I've had this crazy dream of owning a castle, but it's a dream, since in reality owning a castle would be horrible. I mean think about the electric bills you'd have to pay or how on Earth would you keep the thing clean.

*

                                                                

It took some time to get motivated, but I finally finished a painting. It was a painted with palette knife with thick paint impasto-style. I have this idea of few paintings with the theme of a castle in the night, so I'm making couple more and also finishing one that I already started, but never finished:

And other paintings are under work. I'm making my aparment into my own "castle".