This Haunting feeling of The End.

(Copyrights mine)

I've been haunted by this peculiar feeling of ending. I don't know if it is simply my imagination or what, but for at least a year now it has been moving around in my head. It feels like my life is coming to an end, or maybe it is the world or humanity that's ending. Or it might be just all in my head. But these odd sensations come and go or float around behind my eyes, and I keep waving them away like pesky flies, but they keep coming back.

*

When I read and hear about people's happiness, it makes me want to hurl. I remember happiness, I do. And the logical side is glad about other's happiness, but one thing that has been growing, raising and descending is hate. Hate towards me and everyone and no one. It's not surprising that I am still this sloppy mess of a person with these messy feelings and sensations that make sense in a mad world. A hacked up sack of meat, pretending to be alive, that's what I am. Different sensations keep haunting me and I try to remember to write them down. Perhaps I will understand it all someday. Perhaps I will heal, forgot and cannot understand a word I have written.

"Darkling I listen; and, for many a time, I have been half in love with easeful Death, Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme, To take into the air my quiet breath"

Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream,

And scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by?

The transient pleasures as a vision seem,

And yet we think the greatest pain's to die.

How strange it is that man on earth should roam,

And lead a life of woe, but not forsake

His rugged path; nor dare he view alone

His future doom which is but to awake. 

John Keats

*

More pills to be consumed, yet this weariness won't leave me. Still I am glad the melancholy doesn't occupy all my days, but the days, the months, the years are in a one big blurry pile on top of each other. I hope the new dosage will give me few days of clarity.

Perhaps next time I will have the energy to write about diy-projects, in other words "do it yourself"-projects. unfortunately I've lost the usb-cable of my camera, but I'll see what I can do without it.

"For the moon never beams, And the stars never rise"

(Copyrights are mine)

Yes, I am still watching American horror story- series. Starting from one and re-watching another episode at a time. But never-mind that.

*

Unfortunately there was no real clip of the angel of death, the dark cousin, so this fan-video will have to suffice, but I was reminded of the greatness of this particular season but also the personal notions about my quality of life - and death. It's amazing the way Death is portrayed in the series. She is a kind, dark essence, relieving sufferers from earthly pains with a single, gentle kiss. If Death had a form, I wish it would be such as this:

I doubt there is any more beautifully, gracefully portrayed existence of Death.

And although I keep - yet again - mentioning death and my life in the same sentence, I am simply mentioning that life has its surprises and mysteries, and one of those mysteries is death. And although I am fairly certain death brings only nothingness I do not actually crave it yet. But since we do not know out time on this mortal coil I like to think about death as much as possible to try find a friendly face in this inevitable ending. And no matter what happens afterwards I feel that death would be a sweet release. Yet life has a lot of things to see and experience, even the most painful parts, so as long as I can, I want to explore life. Feel and suffer until the day I die. 

But hopefully that day is far from this day.