Heebie-Jeebies

My apartment is always "under construction". It's been months since the last time I did something to it. I have tables and shelves to re-paint, but I've been too exhausted to continue.
I should take a better - more well-lit - pictures of my home, especially the DIY-projects you can barely see here: fake-fireplace (picture above) and the steam-to-be-punk- computer in the picture below. It looks better from afar. The things I've used with making the both are plainly put "trash" and stuff that I've come across or collected at some point. Wood-pieces, paint and knick-knack's of all kind. But I still need to continue working with them. The fake-fireplace needs some kind of metal-cover(?) to add the fireplace-feel and also to stop my cats from going near any candles I might burn in it. It is highly fire-risky gadget to be had, but I am very careful with open-fire anyway, and I've always planned to invest on led-candles. For the safety of my dear possession but most of all for the safety of my cats whiskers. Nothing looks quite so sadly hilarious than a cat with burned whiskers.

*

I've been meant to get to know the music by Nick Cave for some time now, but coincidentally I was lured into this song by the album cover. After all, I am weak for the aesthetic beauty of the night-time trees:

Also the fall-time playlist of mine consists of dark cabaret, well, what can I say, the era the music rekindles really speaks to the reincarnation- and history-freak-side in me:

"I'm shying from the light, I always loved the night, And now you offer me Eternal Darkness"

Oh depression, you cruel mistress you. No matter what I do, you always follow me around like a persistent, vile shadow.

(Copyrights belong to me, thank you very much)

Now I am taking four pills for this. And I am slowly accepting the fact that I am prone to depression and it will most likely be part of me for the rest of my life. No matter how long or short that time will be. I guess that is to be expected when you are a creative and over all sensitive. At least all the part-time writers, poets, artists and musicians I know have some kind of mental problems. Most of them, but not all, of course. This feverish fire that eats up inside out can be enormous source of creativity but it comes with a high cost; suffering, incapability to function properly in society nor relationships and if not treated well and fast enough it might even end up in the eternal slumber of the cold ground. Which I have very mixed feelings about. And also it has made my imagination soar, unfortunately without any way to express myself now or in the near-future. I need some painting-equipment's and time and I have a previous promise to keep, so... that's it then. For now.

Here There be Monsters

I am a shark

I’ve got to keep moving

And if I don’t move I will die

If you hold me here

I’ll just disappear

Won’t I' Won’t I?

Deep in my dark

And down in my cold

WIth nothing to feel

And nothing to hold

If you hold me here

I’ll just disappear

Won’t I' Won’t I?

Just like a shark I will tear you apart

You won’t even know what you did

I’ll try to spare you the pain of my jaws

But it’s just in my nature to rip and to shred

Pretty white teeth

In pretty white rows

Eyes open wide

Even while in repose

If you hold me here

I’ll just disappear

Won’t I' Won’t I?

Vermillion Lies - Shark Serenade

*

Very much sums this feeling of trying to keep moving on because if I stop even for a second I will die. There's some kind of self-destructive side in the human-nature which puzzles me. I've heard that there are some mammals that act the same way, but humans are quite unique in that field. We are really self-destructive in some way or another. Whether it is smoking, drinking or taking some kind of life-threatening risks or if it is just plain old suicidal tendencies we sure hate life - or living. 

"Darkness that brings the choking heat. Flames render the Silence, awakening the hungry Beast. Open time's door to beckon prey."

"Hearing this, the hunter armed with bow and arrow said, "I will kill the lizard." But upon meeting his opponent, he held back, taunting, "Who's afraid of a reptile?" At this, the furious lizard hissed, "I'll swallow you up in a single bite!" Then the huge creature attacked, jaws opened wide. This was what the man wanted. Calmly drawing his bow, he shot into the lizard's gaping mouth. Effortlessly, the arrow flew, piercing the defenseless maw, and the lizard fell down dead." - Silent Hill

"What if all the world's inside of your head - Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Apollo - copyrights mine)

Unfortunately the depression has beginning to rise its ugly misshaped head again. I've been running away from reality and silence into the world of gaming so I could rest, but when I am at work there's not anything keeping the voices and feelings at bay.

Now the childhood-ghosts stay dormant - perhaps for all eternity - but you don't need any actual reasons for depression to rise and consume you. At least I feel that I don't have any reason to be depressed. Sure, my life is empty and there's hatred and resentment inside me, the only things that have never seized to exist no matter how much time goes by. It is true, that holding on your hate is like holding on a hot piece of coal; it burns only you. And then again none of these are the reasons why I feel like this - again. I counted that formally I've been suffering from depression for two years. Half a year I had some rest thanks to a medication but I don't know why the medication doesn't work as well anymore. Have I been sleeping enough? Lack of sleep is something that prevents the medication from working, at least that's something I've noticed. But also the medication helps you to sleep, so... all I have is questions on top of more questions.

One thing that hasn't changed is this feeling of an observer, this feeling of being inside a glass-dome, where I can only observe the life around me unable to participate. Sometimes because of this feeling I feel barely human. Like I am just a consciousness  perhaps like a ghost or some sort of invisible entity, that exists and nothing else. I eat, drink, sleep, work and the same routine repeats day after day. Sometimes I have planned on going out somewhere, but then I cancel to notice that I actually don't want to go anywhere. I just have this feeling that it might be normal or good for me or maybe this what I am doing, cooped in my apartment every day is unhealthy. Yet it feels good. If nothing else feels like anything, being by myself in my home makes me feel good and safe. I have been wondering if saving up money to travel somewhere is the same thing, that I feel like I should do it though I don't think I even feel the need (anymore) nor even want to go anywhere. It is maddening to try and figure out things especially since my head doesn't seem quite alright.

Another troubling thing is my asexuality and the confused feelings it arises in me. It's like trying to see your forehead without a mirror. I can't make it out, I can't make any sense of what I want. Am I still fine by being by myself? The thought of anything else is exhausting, I don't want to give up what I have now, and yet I get at times this craving for human company, some kind of intimacy, the things that average romantic relationship brings. But it's completely different to want something and get it in reality. One thing about asexuality is that in your head you might think that "maybe sex isn't that bad" but when you would have to go through with it in real life, you realize that "nope", it is most definitely different in theory and in real life. Perhaps the thoughts are what confuses me. Also the coming- and going feelings of bi-romanticism, which is usually hetero-romanticism for me, but sometimes it does go further than that. I don't advertise it much, since I don't want people to get stuck on the "bi/gay"-part, when all I am saying is that I possess some healthy interest on a person despite their gender. But the ratio is not even. It is more like 95% of the time I prefer the female-gender and find males unappealing, but at rare times the 5% reacts, but it is so rare, that I usually don't think about it much. This time it is just making me confused.

*

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

Nine Inch Nails

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

Life is Dark and full of Terrors

(Illustration by Gustave Dore)

(Illustration by Gustave Dore)

*

I don't have anything I want to write about. Damn, I'm always verbally constipated. No matter what thoughts arise I feel unwilling to write anything. So enjoy these beautiful illustrations by the godly Gustave Doré.