"What if all the world's inside of your head - Just creations of your own? Your devils and your gods, All the living and the dead, And you're really all alone?"

(Apollo - copyrights mine)

Unfortunately the depression has beginning to rise its ugly misshaped head again. I've been running away from reality and silence into the world of gaming so I could rest, but when I am at work there's not anything keeping the voices and feelings at bay.

Now the childhood-ghosts stay dormant - perhaps for all eternity - but you don't need any actual reasons for depression to rise and consume you. At least I feel that I don't have any reason to be depressed. Sure, my life is empty and there's hatred and resentment inside me, the only things that have never seized to exist no matter how much time goes by. It is true, that holding on your hate is like holding on a hot piece of coal; it burns only you. And then again none of these are the reasons why I feel like this - again. I counted that formally I've been suffering from depression for two years. Half a year I had some rest thanks to a medication but I don't know why the medication doesn't work as well anymore. Have I been sleeping enough? Lack of sleep is something that prevents the medication from working, at least that's something I've noticed. But also the medication helps you to sleep, so... all I have is questions on top of more questions.

One thing that hasn't changed is this feeling of an observer, this feeling of being inside a glass-dome, where I can only observe the life around me unable to participate. Sometimes because of this feeling I feel barely human. Like I am just a consciousness  perhaps like a ghost or some sort of invisible entity, that exists and nothing else. I eat, drink, sleep, work and the same routine repeats day after day. Sometimes I have planned on going out somewhere, but then I cancel to notice that I actually don't want to go anywhere. I just have this feeling that it might be normal or good for me or maybe this what I am doing, cooped in my apartment every day is unhealthy. Yet it feels good. If nothing else feels like anything, being by myself in my home makes me feel good and safe. I have been wondering if saving up money to travel somewhere is the same thing, that I feel like I should do it though I don't think I even feel the need (anymore) nor even want to go anywhere. It is maddening to try and figure out things especially since my head doesn't seem quite alright.

Another troubling thing is my asexuality and the confused feelings it arises in me. It's like trying to see your forehead without a mirror. I can't make it out, I can't make any sense of what I want. Am I still fine by being by myself? The thought of anything else is exhausting, I don't want to give up what I have now, and yet I get at times this craving for human company, some kind of intimacy, the things that average romantic relationship brings. But it's completely different to want something and get it in reality. One thing about asexuality is that in your head you might think that "maybe sex isn't that bad" but when you would have to go through with it in real life, you realize that "nope", it is most definitely different in theory and in real life. Perhaps the thoughts are what confuses me. Also the coming- and going feelings of bi-romanticism, which is usually hetero-romanticism for me, but sometimes it does go further than that. I don't advertise it much, since I don't want people to get stuck on the "bi/gay"-part, when all I am saying is that I possess some healthy interest on a person despite their gender. But the ratio is not even. It is more like 95% of the time I prefer the female-gender and find males unappealing, but at rare times the 5% reacts, but it is so rare, that I usually don't think about it much. This time it is just making me confused.

*

"Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

Nine Inch Nails

I believe I can see the future

Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

But then again

That might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around

Oh, no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday you might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They won't look behind

I'm still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could have been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same