See the face of the shape of things to come

It feels so good to feel normal. My thoughts are clear as a lake on a windless day.

I even got an amazing idea for one painting I was thinking about making for the living room. I had the colours I wanted to paint, but no idea what to paint. Now I know, yet I have to stay patient because I can't buy a canvas until next months paycheck comes.

If I would ever get married, this is the song I would play in my wedding. "Nerdy" says someone who gets stuck on the title and the background of the song, but it is also hauntingly beautiful piece. And those who loved the show as much as I do also appreciate the story behind the song.

Some of you might not know who Bear McCreary is, but you most likely have heard at least some of the songs he has composed. I got to know this amazing composer through the earth-shaking soundtrack of Battlestar Galactica, but he has also created the soundtrack for The Walking Dead, and there's probably not that many people who wouldn't have heard the theme song of that show.
If his music intrigued you, go find out more.

I'll just absorb these beautiful melodies into me while enjoying the sunset and the feeling of normality.

But before that I have to share a great trailer of the show Battlestar Galactica, I assume made by a fan. But loyal fans can make the best trailers. It's a little preview of the show, but the show itself holds so much more.
Science fiction, which might be a curse word for some, but it's their loss. Outer space with it's breath-taking views, action, romance, mystery especially surrounding the scientist Gaius Baltar and the human-looking Cylon Number Six. The music really intensifies the scenes.
And since I have the gift of really getting into different kinds of great stories, it means a lot when music increases the marvelous experience.
For those who cannot dive deep into the story and the characters might not find the show enjoyment enough, but it's frankly their loss.
Others; enjoy!

 "I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws! And feel the wind of a supernova flowing over me! I'm a machine! And I can know much more!"

Tom Waits - Circus

Voltaire-"believe"

Did you find what you were looking for?

And did you hear what you needed to hear?

And did I serve you well, did I serve you well, 

Did I serve any purpose?

Any one at all?

Did you come for redemption?

Or a resurrection

Perhaps a bandage for a gapping wound

I know I put one there

Or perhaps you were bored, 

Or may haps you were confused

Did I serve any purpose?

Any one at all

A crown of thorns would suit you well

You hang there at a loss

A crown of thorns would suit you

I’d shake your hands if they weren’t nailed to a cross

I don’t want to believe

(This is the end)

I don’t want to believe

I don’t want to believe 

I don’t want to believe

I don’t want you to leave

And is that, is that all

Is that, is that all you wanted

Is that, is that all you wanted me to know

Is that, is that all.

I don’t mind you dragging me around,

And I don’t mind as long as I know where you’re taking me 

And did I serve you well

Did I serve you well?

Did I serve any purpose?

Any one at all

A crown of thorns would suit me well

I hang here at a loss

A crown of thorns would suit me

I’d lend a hand if it weren’t nailed to a cross

I don’t want to believe

I don’t want to believe

I don’t want you to leave me here

Nailed to this question mark

I don’t want to believe 

I don’t want to believe

I don’t want you to leave

And is that, is that all

Is that, is that all you wanted

Is that, is that all you wanted me to know

Is that, is that all you had to tell me.

My Diabolical Streak

Today I figured out one reason that might have triggered my depression - besides many other reasons. I was graduated from my last school over a year ago, and now I'm just collecting money and living. I'm not doing anything important. Nothing that would challenge me. I like getting paid and being able to live with a bit more luxury, but as long as I want something else for my life, I'm never going to be happy with the way things are right now.

At least I've been making small ink-drawings to hang on my walls, so my time's not completely wasted.

I don't want to sound ungrateful for my job, which I'm grateful for, and I've noticed that things I whine about or take for granted, I usually lose after a short while, so I do not want to make the mistake of complaining things that are well in my life.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly) 

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly) 

These are exactly my style: half-assed and quickly drawn without any actual models. So do not pay any attention to details and mistakes. These were made for my walls only. I'm just so glad that I got some new pictures done, that I decided to share these here.

"Love will swallow You whole and pick His teeth with Your bones"

The Office (US) and Assassins Creed are the key-words of this week.

Although I'm not really getting into the AC, I'm still trying.
I need more freedom in the game or something that grasps my interest.
And The Office-tv show is great and funny whether it's the US-version or the UK-version.

Also I've promised to be a test(?)reader for my friends story.

A dog-fever has taken over me. I keep seeing cute dogs everywhere. Unlike cats dogs are always happy-looking and they get excited over every little thing. Just looking at them makes me smile.
I had my mind decided on getting two husky-dogs after I one day get my own house, but I've been stretching my resolution with thinking about getting a small dog that would manage in smaller apartments until I would get the house, I've always dreamed of.

But getting a dog is much more hard work and brings much more expenses than a cat. So I'm just been playing with the idea in my mind.

The Winter is coming, my Summer Childs.

Living in my hometown spells safety to me. Familiar streets and views filled with a lot of good and sad memories, makes the walk around the town filled with nostalgic feelings.
 I once saw a small decorative sign that said something like this: "Home is where memories are born". Very corny text, but I couldn't help but to ponder the truth in those words. Living in a completely new city or town means that you have to make all the memories in an unknown period of time. And before you can look at the city's skyline and think to yourself that "this is my home", you're going to feel lonely and out of place.

This is based on my own experience.

I know people who just want to leave their hometowns and make their new homes somewhere else. Maybe somewhere exciting, in some big city. I was once like that, but as time went by, I started to dislike the idea of getting trapped in the middle of thousands of people and loud noises, without any quiet and private place. I like being by myself at times, so I don't get my comfort from noises from outside the windows or behind the floors, walls and roof. I can understand, that to some, all the living surrounding them might make them feel like a part of the world, and I can relate to that, but I wouldn't want to live like that.
I was born and raised in a small village, so I find my comfort from the sound of the wind, smell of trees, dirt and hay and even though not many survive without human companions, I do want to be able to walk out the door and walk somewhere, where I can be by myself.

So I like this small town with its familiar streets and shops. Even if I would leave here someday, I might return.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

*

My medication might be working. Hard to tell. And I'm not sure if I want to write about that. It's a sensitive matter especially when I don't feel as good as I hope I would.

I took a risk and drank couple glasses of red wine. Alcohol is like candy to me, so I stretched my patience as far as I could until I just wanted to drink it, no matter what. The problem was the medication, but I feel fine, so maybe it doesn't have any affect when alcohol is consumed. To be  on the safe side, I did settle for a couple of glasses. Fine wine it was. A bit on the sweet side maybe - but not too sweet. A berry-like flavour. I can't give any accurate description, since I'm not a professional or educated amateur, I just enjoy them.

(Serenata Cabernet Sauvignon)

Harvest Moon - Elonkorjuukuu

The Moon is enormous tonight.

So this time, instead of a song, listen to the sound of the night.

"Oh, Lilian, Look what you've done, You've stripped my heart, Ripped it apart, In the name of fun"

I'm starting to feel more normal after a couple weeks of disorientation, distress and all in all confusion and unwell.

The failed relationship, time wasted and dreams postponed for nothing. Left with a broken heart and the realization, that everything I thought to be true, was nothing but a big lie, took its toll on me. I believe all that was wearing me out, but with the help of medication, I can get better.

Also part of the reasons I'm in this condition is the feeling of the weight of years slipping away, without getting forward with my ambitions and dreams. That eats me up inside.
And the past I've had. All the sickness and violence, sleepless nights, heart ache and heartbreak.

It's all still overwhelming to talk about.

I'm just glad I have a bigger dosage of antidepressants to help me get through this.

Unfortunately I have nothing else of interest to tell right now. I've almost finished the Walking Dead telltale version, and it's been a hell of a ride. I had a chance to compare the tv-show with the game, and for my amazement I noticed that unlike with the game, the characters of the show could bash zombie's brains in without getting a drop of blood on them. I don't know if television limits the freedom to be realistic in some things.

And in the game, there's some things that I could imagine happening in a zombie-apocalypse, and things I could have not imagined, yet after realizing what the things are and how they are brought up in the game, I wish the tv-show would get imaginative like that. I mean, there are bandits, secluded survival camps and harsh acts in the name of survival, but they haven't gone into details of what it would be like to live in a world that has been destroyed by zombie-apocalypse. Some things have been shown, some things haven't.

I don't want to spoil the shock of finding out those things yourself, so I won't mention them.

But it's a great journey to discover the plot twists yourself.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

"I'm broken too. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable, psychological problems. Maybe brain damage."

My depression took a turn to the worst, but I got a bigger dosage for my medication, so I'm feeling hopeful for my condition to get better.

And listening to Voltaire has kept me in a better mood. I still have to suppress my smile while listening to some of the songs. I don't want people to think I'm mad when I'm smiling to myself.

Now I'm relaxing at home, watching The Big Bang Theory, which is a good show for killing time or wanting to relax, while drinking beer.

And after I feel like I have more energy, I'm going to continue playing the Walking Dead Telltale-version, which is a game concentrating on the survival of a zombie apocalypse. What kind of choices you have to make and how will they affect you and the people around you. It's really intriguing - and hard making life or death- decisions while the survivors are counting on my help.

Zombie Prostitute

A new find - and soon becoming one of my favourite artists. Some of the songs made me snicker with delight.

Rain drops against the tin roof soothes the restless minds

How lovely; my internet connection disappears at evening and night time. And I live in the suburban area. I guess it's not enough.

And for those who have been wondering about the different weird websites visiting your blogs, I found the short answer to what those websites are. Short lesson: if you don't know the website - don't go there.

http://aittatonttu.blogspot.fi/2013/06/liikenteen-vaarentajia-blogsratingpw-ja.html

I could've guessed as much, but it still amazes me.

*

After dealing with imminent expenses, I really need to get myself a camera. After a while I get a craving for photographing and I'd also like to learn a bit more about it. All the school classes have disappeared from my brain, so I need to put the information back in there.

But now I must try to get some sleep.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

The nightmare before Christmas on a hot summer's day

For my own amusement and joy, I'm already planning a small Halloween party for me and my friends. Planning keeps my thoughts on a happier direction, so I don't get lost in brooding.

I have never been in any Halloween parties before, although those have been a popular thing for few years - I think. I'm really clumsy with social situations, so I don't have that many friends, but the quality overcomes the quantity. Because of my lack of social skills, I've not made that many friends who might have invited me to any Halloween parties or get-together's. Now it's my chance to change this unfortunate outcome by having a party of my own.

Sometimes it does bother me, that I can't seem to get to know any new people, but it bothers me less and less as the years go by. I have to make peace with what I can't succeed in.

I wish there would've been a tradition of celebrating Halloween when I was a kid. The only time of the year, when Finnish children dress up and go gather candy from relatives or neighbors is Easter. I never dressed up for Easter, but I did get my share of candy and coin. Nice memories. But now that I'm more (or less) an adult, I enjoy more sinister themes that Halloween presents. And Halloween has the tradition of horror and scare, which I like. For example; horror movies. And I love a good horror movie. So for the past couple of years I have spent Halloween by myself watching some classic horror movies, like Halloween or the Friday the 13th while eating candy - and for your information, I'm not the kind of guy, who would be embarrassed of having a serious case of sweet tooth. As a child, I often wondered how adults seemed to be immune to sweets, but as years went by, I never seemed to get tired of it. Candy, cakes, pies, you name it, I love it.
I might be a bit more embarrassed to admit it to anybody, but since this is anonymous, I see no harm sharing all my "dark"secrets.

(photo from http://4hdwallpapers.com)

If I could afford it, I'd like to travel to US some time to see the extent of celebrating Halloween overseas. They seem to enjoy making any holiday into a real festival.

"I want to forget! Who would choose to be alone, imprisoned by their broken memories?"

I have been struggling with my state of mind about a year now. I have always been tired, but a year ago it took concerning forms, which made me rely on medical treatment. And after yesterday, when it felt like my mind was in shambles, I've decided to call my local doctor, and get my physical heath checked. If there's still nothing out of ordinary on my physical health, I have to surrender to the thought, that I too have started to pay for the trauma's of childhood and youth. Mental diseases runs in the family.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

It's interesting how any doctor can prescribe antidepressants, but no doctor seems to be interested in healing minds. I would have to go through the lines of sanity so far ahead, that I would become either danger to myself or to others, until someone is interested in my well being.

It can't be helped. It felt demeaning enough the last time I tried to get therapy. After talking with the psychologist I felt like I wasn't so depressed that I needed help. I don't know what would change that way of thinking. After answering their tests, it seemed, that if I can't describe my thoughts and feelings accurate enough, if I haven't lost critical amount of weight or if I haven't tried suicide, I'm not in the need of urgent therapy.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Still, since I still get these days when I'm scared of how I'm going to keep my will to live (and most of the time I do want it) and when my thoughts seem to scatter all around my skull, that I feel confused, distressed and upset, I have to be the one who does something to stop it for once and for all.

I'm usually the one who takes care of other people. That might be one reason that made me so tired and vulnerable to depression. I had to worry about the people I loved, and when they got better, I found it hard to manage my own life and exhaustion concerning many things. I started to feel like I was being left behind in life or failing with my dreams and plans. Of course I'm not blaming anyone for how I'm feeling now. I'm glad I could help my loved ones, but I wish I had known how to help myself before I got to this point.

There's always the risk, that this might go too far. I might become something else than depressed. That's something that really worries me.

(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)

Wolves in the Wind

Video made by Daniel Nelson.

Beautiful.