"I want to forget! Who would choose to be alone, imprisoned by their broken memories?"

I have been struggling with my state of mind about a year now. I have always been tired, but a year ago it took concerning forms, which made me rely on medical treatment. And after yesterday, when it felt like my mind was in shambles, I've decided to call my local doctor, and get my physical heath checked. If there's still nothing out of ordinary on my physical health, I have to surrender to the thought, that I too have started to pay for the trauma's of childhood and youth. Mental diseases runs in the family.

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It's interesting how any doctor can prescribe antidepressants, but no doctor seems to be interested in healing minds. I would have to go through the lines of sanity so far ahead, that I would become either danger to myself or to others, until someone is interested in my well being.

It can't be helped. It felt demeaning enough the last time I tried to get therapy. After talking with the psychologist I felt like I wasn't so depressed that I needed help. I don't know what would change that way of thinking. After answering their tests, it seemed, that if I can't describe my thoughts and feelings accurate enough, if I haven't lost critical amount of weight or if I haven't tried suicide, I'm not in the need of urgent therapy.

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Still, since I still get these days when I'm scared of how I'm going to keep my will to live (and most of the time I do want it) and when my thoughts seem to scatter all around my skull, that I feel confused, distressed and upset, I have to be the one who does something to stop it for once and for all.

I'm usually the one who takes care of other people. That might be one reason that made me so tired and vulnerable to depression. I had to worry about the people I loved, and when they got better, I found it hard to manage my own life and exhaustion concerning many things. I started to feel like I was being left behind in life or failing with my dreams and plans. Of course I'm not blaming anyone for how I'm feeling now. I'm glad I could help my loved ones, but I wish I had known how to help myself before I got to this point.

There's always the risk, that this might go too far. I might become something else than depressed. That's something that really worries me.

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