(Copyrights belong to me)
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(Copyrights belong to me)
I'm getting swamped by personal-projects - and project-ideas. I've gotten ideas about animal rights-paintings or illustrations, but I don't have time to draw nor paint, although I have found the spark again. Since it's been about 3 months since my medication was increased and I've felt normal ever since. I doubted if I'd ever feel normal again, yet here I am. I now have the energy to get through the studying - which I must get back to about now. I just wanted to "spill my guts" here. After all, writing things down is part of my self-therapy.
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One unpleasant shocker was my dream last night, which was about my ex. So I thought about the traumatizing break-up almost all day and how I feel about all that now. It starts to feel like a distant nightmare, and sometimes I even wonder, did it ever happen or was it all just a bad dream. Alas, not just a bad dream.
I'm quite healed for most parts, yet of course there will be some scars that never go away. I guess that for most people breaking up is just one part of the long line of social history. As normal as dating and being in a relationship. Love comes and love goes. For me, I always thought that when I would find love, it would be a once in a life-time opportunity. Something I would never experience more than once yet it would stick, because I would never let it slip away. And now it seems that it's not even once in a life-time thing.
Now I feel that the largest painting-project I did few years back is a symbol for my relationship with women. I can't copy the picture of the painting here, because it is a triptych-painting that consist three paintings that form a larger body. I named it "Gorgon-eyed Goddess", and it portraits a distant goddess. The Gorgon-eyed seems appropriate, since the two women I have loved have never loved me back. Thus it is fitting, that the picture should have a beautiful woman who is for to look at and admire. And her gaze consists of complete lack of warmth. Not hatred instead, just the lack of love or any kind of affection.
I know that some women consider one-sided love by men the most pathetic form of affection but that is how it went. And the other story wasn't my fault, that is one reason why it was so traumatizing. I do not blame anyone for not having loving emotions, I blame the one who tricked and lied about her emotions. That is something I can never forget nor forgive.
What I am trying to say, in some kind of summary is that I will never understand the life most people seem to live. And there's hundreds of things I will never experience like going to parties or getting married or just socializing with all kinds of people, befriending them and just doing things people seem to do. Even if a miracle happens, and I get into university, I won't find any new friends from there. I seem to lack that talent altogether. I get along with everyone, I'm polite and people are nice to me, and it is all fine and dandy, yet it never goes anywhere from there. I do not know which part of my psyche is the one with the lacking readiness. Gods; humans are machines without the programming to find errors or any kind of faulty mechanisms. All we can do is guess or let people point our faults to us.
Ever since I was a ten or eleven years old I draw myself inside a glass-box looking outside. Such a melancholic child, although I understand now why I felt that way. Perhaps it is time that allows us to understand some parts of ourselves that we didn't notice nor understand previously.
Reading the entrance exam-reading material also has brought some light to some things. I only wish I had had time to take psychology-courses since that is the area all the material consists of.
(A bit blurry photo by yours truly - it's blurry because it was night-time and that light there comes from a lamp - wanted to add it here still for the mood in the picture)
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