Over a year ago I was just moving with the flow, whether I was going in circles or moving forward I was free to do and to go anywhere. And I was getting prepared to leave my hometown as long as I could follow the only way I knew. Then she came into my life, and I knew I had to postpone my plans if I wanted to get something I never had before.
I'm not afraid of living alone. Loneliness is familiar and safe. I knew that. I knew that when I allowed myself to fall in love and take the risks that came with it. Every time I got frightened I said to myself, that I know loneliness, and I do not fear it. It's this new unknown road I want to follow. To see where it takes me. The new adventures and sights for me to see and discover.
It's the death of my loved ones that I fear - intently I fear that.
So when I finally understood, that I lost my love, it felt like death. Like someone I really loved had died. It brought anger, desperation, depthless amounts of sorrow that cut in too deep and sickness filled my wounds and overflowed. But the anger of betrayal and exploitation kept me going.
Now my days are filled with living day to day. Surviving from the bad memories. Getting whatever enjoyment I can. Trying to keep the waters of my mind still and silent. As long as my mind is still, I know I can get better. That this won't get as far as I fear it might. There are too many monsters living inside my head that I can't let them get out. I need to deal with them and leave them behind me.
This is something I thought today, as I was walking home in the damp rainy dark, but with a smile on my face. I met my loved ones today, I talked with them for hours. I really wish all my weeks were like this.
(Copyrights belongs to yours truly)
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