I have time to think. No social activities, just me and time.
And since I feel more stable, I can think about certain things. But my well being resides on me not thinking about anything bad and just keeping my focus on anything good.
I'm afraid that when I feel good and at least stable, that the therapist will say that I don't need their services. It's not like I can just list all the things that have affected me. When you keep things to yourself, it's not easy to talk about them.
Talking with a stranger, even to a stranger who seems approving and willing to hear me is really difficult. I've already felt like I don't deserve any kind of therapy. Every doctor and nurse keeps reminding me about the lines they have, the demand, the people who need their help. I just wanted to talk about my demons to someone who's willing to listen. I thought that talking about the things, I've never had the chance to talk about, might help me put those things behind me. But if the world wants me to eat the drugs until I can live with myself and my demons again, without confronting them and just oppressing them more into my subconsciousness, I'll do that. I just can't deal with the guilt. I know there are lines and I know there must be thousands of patients who need therapy a lot more than me. I don't need persuading that I'm not an urgent patient. I thought about saying that to the therapist next time. I want to know if they there feel like I'm wasting their time and should stick to eating medication.
After all my medication is working now, and I heard, that
I was supposed to eat double of what I eat now. I was surprised, since I kept fearing that the medication wouldn't work. I don't mind the situation. Less medication means less poison into my body. I guess my previous medication didn't sit well with me. Or I'm starting to get pass the first bad waves I had concerning my loneliness and the messy break-up. But there's two weeks left until the highest effect of the medication starts to wear off, and I've felt the change happening, yet I hope I can keep the dosage and nothing bad happens.
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I'm also thinking that I might not want kids even if I would ever find myself in a relationship. I do not find children necessary, nor do I find them particularly cute, so I lack the necessary qualities that make people want to have kids of their own.
I knew this one 3-year old kid, who was a really nice kid, and we played hide-and-seek and built fortresses from pillows, and of course I will like the future-nephew's and other kids I might come acquainted with (especially if I ever get to university to become a teacher), but I don't think I would ever want kids of my own.
Especially crying babies freak me out. I use the word "freak", since when they cry like something was eating them, it sounds really creepy. I have never heard any sound as creepy as that. Especially when you are in the same space and the cry pierces the air all around you, and you can't leave. It really makes me feel stressed.
I think this subject came to mind, since I'm watching this horror movie (in celebration of Halloween) where there's almost in every scene a crying baby. I don't really feel sorry for the baby, especially since it's most likely a crying sound coming from a recorder (they don't make babies cry if they need that crying-sound). It's not a scary effect, it doesn't create anything but annoyance.
Hm, I really don't want to sound like a children-hater, but I'm finding hard to describe what I mean correctly. Most likely other people who feel about this as I do, can understand what I'm trying to say.
I've been just thinking about building my own future that I will spend by myself - and all of this is realism, not whiny pessimism - and I was thinking about making a shelter for homeless pets. Pet shelter's are always needed, and after some local situations, I though that this idea might be great. I love animals, I hate it when people kill and abuse them for various excuses and there's not enough people who rescue them. So this is something I'm thinking about to keep my mind in a good place. Something to focus on, when I plan for my future.
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Also now that the Halloween is over, almost all candy has been eaten, and I've already taken down the decorations (they've been up since October the first) I'm slowly turning to Christmas, celebration of artificial lights. I'm hoping to purchase a plastic christmas tree for myself in a couple of weeks. You know, for my own delight. And most likely for my cat's delight. Although I hope that they don't start eating the tree.
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