"Never forget what you are - the rest of the world will not. Wear it like an armor, and it can never be used to hurt you."

It is true, that when you bear several heavy crosses on your back, while living in a world filled with hypocrites and people ready to hate you, you need to grow a thick skin.


This whole thing came to mind, since I decided to continue with college - as I dropped out years ago, and now I have a new chance to prove myself, but most importantly to prove some people, that I am not a drop-out loser who made nothing with his life.

When I first started college (Finnish version of it), it was after high school, of course, and I had hope and dreams about my future.
But the excitement didn't last long. I started to struggle with a couple of courses. I failed them, and I started to lose hope little by little after every failure. I knew those courses would be a challenge from the start, but how hard they actually were, came as a surprise. I knew I couldn't succeed in passing them without help. And since I've always had to survive on my own with no parents to guide me, I went straight to the student councilor to find out what could be done, so I could pass the courses and succeed in college. I told that I had an actual disorder, that made those two courses extremely difficult, but if some way could be thought of, like different way to study those courses, it might help.

And the councilor didn't help me. 

I can't remember the exact situation or what the councilor said, but I had to give up college. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pass the courses, and there was nothing else I could do by myself. It was kinda horrible, how ignorant and annoyed the teachers were with me. It was only couple of the subjects that I couldn't handle, all my other courses went splendidly and I got good grades. 

It was a horrible experience altogether. The feeling of failure gnawed me for years. Especially when all of my friends and siblings got their college graduations and had parties and got the hats and were celebrated, and I was left out. At the time it felt like I was left out from the world and from the people who were closest to me. They lived their college life and experienced so much, but I didn't get any of that. 
And at that time I felt like my relatives thought I was a failure and a loser. I can't pinpoint the exact proof to that, but it was just the way I was ignored and how they talked about my vocational school -studies. All my relatives had nice professions and since my parents were screw-ups, I felt like in their eyes I was a screw-up too.

Now I want to make that feeling of failure disappear and take back the life I missed. But I wouldn't parade with the achievement - if I truly get it. It will be only for me (and the closest to me) to know. And that will be achievement enough that I know what I can do on my own with no one to support me. It's how I've lived my life to this day, and it's how I will live my life till the day I die. My ex didn't understand it, but when you get abandoned by everyone, and all you have is yourself, you have to get strong.

The only downside is, that if you're strong too long, you might break - like I did. But since I have my medication to keep me going, I feel like I can do this. Only time's not on my side, but I will give it my best. I have had years to hone my willfulness, and now it's the time to put myself under the test.

Wish me luck.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Completely different thought, but a thought that has hunted my mind after the night I saw a dream about an old affection of mine. 

One thing I miss about dating-life (emphasis on that word so no misunderstandings happen) is kissing. I think I might be content being by myself if I could kiss someone nice at least every now and then. It's the intimacy of a kiss that I miss. As I am an asexual, who doesn't care much for kissing either, it's just what the kiss symbolizes to me; intimacy and affection. It's a lot more than just a hug. Although I seem to be daydreaming about any sort of sign of affection.

And because I'm starting to desire some aspects of intimacy, my brain is rekindling some old flames toward an subject of old affections. It's weird. I don't know why am I doing this to myself. Is it because I'm struggling with depression or is it because of my failed relationship, my need for human companionship or because of the dream? I haven't got the slightest idea.

But I just thought about writing this whole thing down. The latest thoughts even though I do not know what some of it means.