La Mer

Beautiful autumn day.

The sunlight really brightens up the yellow and red trees. Although I'm not a huge fan of the autumn colours, I can't deny their beauty at this light.

Probably tonight you could see numerous stars in the sky as long as the clouds stay away.

I think I'm quite happy now. The feeling comes most likely from my medication, but I am usually quite happy and a content person. It was just everything that happened to me in the past year that changed me from a happy carefree guy into this barely functioning wreck of a man. 

Even when I lived alone, I was happy with my life. Seasons came and changed, and I found pleasant things from my life and I couldn't have asked for more. Of course I used to dream about having someone special, since everyone wants and needs to feel loved, but I was also just content at dreaming about having something more in my life. Not to make my life somehow more than what it is and always has been, but to bring something more into it. If that makes any sense.

I believe in making life matter for myself. I don't need any other reasons to live and find happiness but to find the meaning and the balance from making my life good for me. It could  
have been just a whole lot of small things, but as long as they made me smile, they were more than enough.
If you have to start looking happiness and fulfillment only from outside yourself, and not finding the core of it from within you, then when all the things that make you feel like your life matters and you're achieving your meaning in life disappears - as we know, nothing lasts forever - you would lose everything. The whole base that kept you content and gave you reason to get up in the morning would no longer exist. To me that sounds like a very dangerous way to live. You can't only base your happiness and dreams on other people. You need to find things you enjoy and that makes you happy. It can't only be your career either, but that's something that can make everyday seem like a dream.

And I'm still continuing with the Bioshock -gameseries soundtrack. It's simply amazing and beautiful. 

Here's a song that you might have heard somewhere. For example in the season 1 of American Horror Story:



I'm listening these songs from my gramophone to get into the right mood.

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to play the newest game: Bioshock Infinite, although I have heard that it's really spectacular game.

Since I linked a bunch of these songs and nothing about the actual games, I might make my next update about the games.

Darkness and Dawn

*

Even with this sinister text, I'm still feeling good. Enjoying the autumn-days, studying my best and waiting anxiously for the Halloween.

And today I got my lamp installed to the roof, so I'm really glad about that. No more squinting my eyes in the dark corners trying to find an USB-port or a pen that has fallen onto the floor. Now I can see better no matter how dark it gets outside. It wasn't just a simple plugging in the lamp, it had to be installed by an electrician, because of the weird wiring. Anyway I feel good, and I hope I will feel this way for a long time.

Wolves in the outskirt of the citylights are calling to us

I've already put some Halloween-decorations all over the apartment. It's not very Finnish-like to spend Halloween, and I know there are some people, who are for some reason very crossed with their countrymen for spending any other celebration than the ones in our national calendar. It doesn't have anything to do with any fundamental views (at least not at every time), it's just the modern way of thinking. If you do something that is not viewed as an intelligent activity or an activity of the majority, it's viewed as pointless. And I guess some people get really angry with the things they consider pointless and foolish.

Yet I will break these rules set by some really angry and bitter people. Just like some of the other fellow-sufferers from other people's narrow-mindedness, we must endure or celebrate privately. If I want to have my year filled with parties and days that I feel are special, it doesn't harm nor is it away from anyone. 
The autumn is filled with dark grey days and pitch-black nights, when you get drenched by the almost never-ending rain, and you feel the coldness in your bones. Is it really such a pointless activity to eat something sweet and look at some grinning jack'o'lanterns lighting the night? I know that has nothing to do with some of the old traditions of All Hallows Eve or with any national holidays, but frankly I do not care. I just wanted to rant about something. And thus I did.

Since my lack of camera I can't really take any pictures of my Halloween-decorations. Which is a shame really. I've really grown fond of all the Halloween-decorations, themes and the jack'o'lantern-figure. It brightens my day against this really common autumn-view, that I am right at this moment looking at out of the window... Dirt shaded grey and trees with yellow leaves. Without no artificial light that scenery would be considered depressing.

I spent the day listening to Swedish-learning audio books while working. I have to admit, that it felt like I was being tortured. Not because it was Swedish, no, it just brought to my mind the torture-technique the American military uses for interrogations, when the suspect of terrorism is forced to listen to some loud noises against their will. It was kinda interesting to do one thing while listening and thinking about completely different things. But I think this method might prove useful, so I will continue with it. I feel that I've spent my day well.

October's Rust

*

We all know what month it is. An what it means:

Halloween is soon upon us. I'm looking forward to it.

I've been feeling good about myself lately. It means that the medication is working.

I also admit that whatever feelings were stirring inside, were as I thought, just another coping-mechanism. To cope with loneliness means that you have to look forward and make dreams about the future - even if those dreams are unrealistic, they are positive thoughts that make you feel better.

And now I must try and study.