"Still night, nothing for miles, White curtain come down"

"Wandering companionless among the stars"

(Copyrights belong to me)

I thought about updating the current state of my social life. I haven't written anything about it since there's nothing to write about. Already 28 years old, only one real-enough relationship behind me, and even that lasted about a year. The common trait with me and people I've liked is that the feelings of affections were always unanswered - like with the first and last relationship I had. One-sided loves and me being used in some form or another. And now I've been by myself for the last four years. At first I craved for someone, not anymore. I've spent most of my life alone and you can get used to that. It takes time but you can find peace with it. I've never had any luck with other people, I don't know how to interact with others, and although I try to be kind and polite, it's not enough. It's no one's fault. I lack something other people have and cannot form relationships with anyone.

Still I managed to learn that one problem is me being asexual, which I've written about before. I suspect sexuality has something to do with interacting romantically with others. Like I've written before, it doesn't affect how I care for other people, but without it I probably lack some of the tools to interact with people I might be interested in. It shouldn't affect friendships yet I cannot seem to form even those.

Now I lack the energy and mostly the will to get to know other people. Even if I knew how, I feel too tired for that. Most of the time I feel like I don't even want that. But there have been few times when I have thought about it. But that's about it. It feels odd to read and hear about people's lives when they write about their romances and their social life. I can barely imagine what it's like.

So about four years now without almost any social life. Thankfully I have my siblings and few close friends to keep me sane enough. But no romances, no dating, no new friends, nothing. It doesn't bother me anymore, after all you can get used to it. I feel that it's part of my life. What I never had, I cannot miss.

(Copyrights belong to me)

Passacaglia

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep"

 Old pictures from years long since passed.

(Young forest near one of my old walking routes, I wonder how tall the trees are by now) 

(More trees, less scenery. I tend to notice details more. Old route, dear route.)

(Small stream in the forest - man-made stream but beautiful, since it had life of its own)

I'ts been years since I've done anything interesting or fun.

Many years ago I have been laying on a frozen field, covered in snow, middle of the night, under the stars and the moon. Just watching the sky above.

I have walked to a small isle in the middle of the river, went to the east end to watch the sun rise after a sleepless summer night.

I have climbed the highest trees and hills, watched the scenery of thousand trees and far way glimmering lakes.

I have followed unknown roads and paths to see where they would lead me.

I have done that and much more. Small things compared to many, but meaningful and enjoyable things. And it's been years since I've done them. I am always so tired that I cannot do anything now. 

(Tiny piece of my favourite route.)