(Copyrights belong to yours truly)
And this moment right here includes entrance exams for university - a local one. I don't want to move anymore, I'm sick and tired of moving and I feel like this place is my home.
So I tried to apply to several different places although my main interest is still studying to become a teacher. And now, this year, there's no heartaches or ex's that draw my concentration. I even assigned myself into this preparation-course, that's really expensive, so that I could improve my chances into getting to the university I want. I do not have the advantages that several graduated high school-students have; they have the patience and concentration to read a lot of information, they recognize the important things in the texts that should be learned for the entrance-exams. Though I find myself acknowledging the entrance-exam reading material as very familiar, that I know those things from personal experiences, like the last years articles about bullying in schools and the income-differences affecting the students and how they learn and pretty much many of the things there are very understandable information that many probably can relate to. That's why I felt so ashamed of not passing the first test, since all the things in the reading-material was so familiar, so fascinating. I know this is what I want to do. But I also worry if I can get there. Sometimes it is tough not being academically smart. I can't seem to remember what I read. And that's why I find it ironical, that this years reading-material consists a section about work-memory; the part of people's memory that they use to learning things and how early childhood studying develops that memory.
I guess it is too late for me to develop it further. My memory is horrifyingly short-termed. If my visual-memory wasn't as good as it is, I wouldn't know how I can even survive through life.
I buried the dream of becoming a teacher when I couldn't finish "high school" or whatever the equivalent is, since high school in other countries differs from one another. Anyway, I tried pursuing art, yet I knew I should figure out a way to do it and get money for living. I though having some insignificant education besides that would be the answer, but it only led me into a low-income-trap. Also into the point where my psyche keeps trying to prove for the rest of the world that I am not a loser or an idiot, and I have dreams and goals. Yet I keep feeling like I'm not convincing anyone of that. It feels like people only see me as a low-worker without intelligence nor talent for anything else while everyone else is studying to become something really impressive or they already have started their impressive careers. So finishing up high school would be a huge middle-finger at anyone who has thought that I'm no-good. Also getting into the university would be the same kind of middle-finger. We all have our different unique talents. And we have our weaknesses but if we would want to be great with everything; art, sports, science and so on, we would only achieve average skills with everything. When we focus on one or few talents, we can achieve greatness. So I am not ashamed for not being able to do everything. I only want to do one thing, and teaching would allow me to do it without living in the streets eating food from garbage-cans, and that is art. In some form or another that is the only thing I'm interested doing. Even though I'm still not a very good artist I have the love for it, and that is enough. That brings me happiness.
My old school-teachers and substitute-teachers are partly responsible for my desire to become a teacher. It is funny now to share those not-so-funny memories from those times you were a kid, and didn't know any better.
There were some old-generation teachers there, who weren't really violently aggressive, but they had obsessive fixations to some things, like music and math. They seemed to think that music was the most sacred thing in the world, and if you didn't sing - or sing right, you would get yelled at.
And there was also unqualified teachers, but to pick one specific thing out would be the art-teachers - who also taught P.E and all kinds of other subjects, yet they were hopeless in art. All we had was some old watercolours, A4-copypapers, pens and wax-chalk. And I remember that couple of times there was even clay to mold. But most of the time all we had was wax-chalk. So when I started studying art in vocational school, I had no knowledge about anything when my - then younger - classmates knew a whole bunch of things. They were educated in their own schools a lot better and some had taken some art-classes. So I started with nothing. My current knowledge and know-how isn't all that better even now since even in vocational school I didn't get to try out everything. But enough about complaining about that! All those things affected my desire to teach kids about art. Not to let some artistically uneducated math-teachers to make kids draw wax-chalk pictures day in and day out. No wonder the state of our countries appreciation to culture is dying. The roots of culture lies in the new generations. If you kill their curiosity, you are part of the eradication of our culture.
One fun fact was that at least when I was a kid, the schools would hire ANYONE to be a substitute teacher or special education teacher. So that meant that couple of alcoholics from the neighborhood would teach math. It wasn't about them not knowing simple math-problems, it was the fact that they had no education or knowledge how to teach not to mention how to teach children. Back then I was scared of the "special education teachers" that smelt like tobacco and alcohol and today I just laugh at the memories. How badly can things go wrong, when our education-system allowed such things happen. Me and my siblings talked about that some time ago, and they believed the local employment agency had just picked any unemployed to work for schools. I have no facts no proof, for I was just a kid back then, but I'm just thankful that at least no matter how bad the budget-cuts are, at least the children today have better teachers.
My generation barely avoided one specific old-school teacher whose name caused terror, wet pants and uncontrollable crying. He was kind of a legend - straight out from a horror-tale. He made many of the children cry. He was strict, tough and I guess his teaching-methods were forcing, scaring and pretty much all kinds of psychical abuse. And that wasn't even that long time ago. I'm sure there are still some teachers who like to use the old ways of teaching.
(Copyrights belong to yours truly)
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