"Sweet Mother, Sweet Mother, send Your child unto Me, for the sins of the unworthy must be baptized in Blood and Fear"

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

Short ramble: I hate dreams. The times I wake up and remember the dream I had, I feel intensely distressed. I don't consider my dreams to be nightmares, but also with that logic, I wouldn't have nightmares. I just think, that nightmares should be really obvious. They should contain clear personal horrors. My dreams are just a whirlwind of all kinds of images that I usually forget when I wake up - usually because I want to forget. All I know is that my dreams make me feel ill.

And today I started feeling physically ill since I might have forgotten to take my medication yesterday. So part of this weekend has gone by unproductively.

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I wanted to write about asexuality again. I'm not the best expert to write about it, but I like to analyze things.

Especially at this time of the year, when people are peeling out of thick winter-clothes, you can see a lot of couples all over the town. That makes me wonder about sexuality since I can only assume that most of the couples have active sexual-life, and it is a big part of their relationship. At least all these observations I've done are based on simple visual observation and also hear-say. I have no idea what the truth is and how the reality works. Thinking about that, and trying to imagine what it is like to have sex as one of the things that loving couple does. Of course sex doesn't play quite as big of a role in all relationships, but in some of them it seems to be like that. At least intercourse is as natural as hugging, even if it wouldn't hold a lot of significance.

Although asexuality can be a phase, like for people who for some personal reasons do not want to have sex for some unknown period of time, it also can be part of who you are or more clearly; how your brain functions. I feel that my brain lacks completely the property to become aroused by anyone. Like my body works just like it's supposed to, but my brains circuits that allow arousal and desire for carnal pleasures doesn't exit. There's just blankness.

I can't want for something I have never had, but I feel like I understand human nature even less being like I am. The whole human-race evolves around sexuality, and if my sexuality is nonexistent I can't ever understand some of the things about relationships. I guess it is a good thing that scene doesn't belong to my life. For me it was a drag. I was capable of love, but physical activity was forced and unpleasant. And for those reasons I cannot even understand sexual people, who are in a sexless relationship and hateful and bitter because of that. It is like they are trying to become the victims in the relationship. If they cannot have sex, or the kind of sex they want, they will act upon it with all ways imaginable. Blame, hate, bitterness and the cherry on the top; cheating. As if the unwilling party was to blame for unfaithfulness.
But that kind of problems do not involve me no more. I only wonder the odd dilemma's. As if people are forced to be together. Or forced to be in a monogamy. People are surprisingly aggressively against polyamory-relationships, although that seems to be the answer to many problems.