"We shall see that at which dogs howl in the dark, and that at which cats prick up their ears after midnight."

Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. 

In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming

I've been writing an essay about H.P Lovecraft for an English course, and I've never before read his biography. I do not know much about him, except what he looks like, so I've found some interesting information about him that I find easy to identify myself with. 
He was very passionate about writing. He seemed to live only for that, and besides being poor for his whole life, he didn't seem to care about the actual material world. He wrote and lived at night. He was a pale, thin man who lived from books and from his imagination. He didn't care for working, education or romances. He did get married, but with the perhaps questionable bit of information I found - since I didn't really put any effort on finding good sources since they're not the main interest in the course - Lovecraft seemed to have been a very passive lover. For me, that says that he might have been an asexual. Able to love, perhaps, but not all that interested. Whatever the truth was, or where the more accurate information is, I'm captivated by his works. I cannot believe I spent my teen's reading King, when I could've read Lovecraft... What a waste.

Also with Lovecraft's troubled past having a mentally unstable father, who spent all of Lovecraft's life in mental institution, and finally having his mother be sent to that same place, I can see why Lovecraft found immaterial imaginative worlds more appealing than reality. This is something I most definitely identify myself.

Written like from my own pen:

I am disillusioned enough to know that no man's opinion on any subject is worth a damn unless backed up with enough genuine information to make him really know what he's talking about.

H. P. Lovecraft

The more I read, the more fascinated I get. Wish I could have known the man.

Also for fans, I found this amazing blog, Propnomicon, with a lot of Lovecraft monster-props. Click the name or the image to get there.

From that blog I got this picture with a text:

"A photograph of bootlegger Giles Upham taken the day after the federal raid on Innsmouth, Massachusetts. He was captured by United States Marines and agents of the Department of Justice in the hidden tunnels beneath the town on February 3, 1928 and later convicted of multiple crimes. Like many of the conspirators taken into custody he displays the signs of generations of inbreeding- bulging, watery eyes, humpbacked posture, and wattle-like growths on the neck. "

The shadow over Innsmouth is one of my favourite Lovecraft's short novels.

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Ocean is more ancient than the mountains, and freighted with the memories and the dreams of Time.

H. P. Lovecraft

I also got to enjoy Lovecraft movie adaptations in two Cinemare-events, which was mind blowing. I admit, they're not completely perfect, but they were filmed with unique personality and appearance that I have them in my "got to buy"-list.

Click the images to see IMDB-link and Chtulhulives-link.

"...Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young!

(Nyarl)athotep, Great Messenger, bringer of strange joy to Yuggoth through the void, Father of the Million Favoured Ones, Stalker among-****. . . ."

Nightmare as a child

Although I did say that the medication is starting to work, my mood's are still going up and down - which is new from the constant down. Now I feel alright a second, horrible in the next second and alright again.
But it doesn't feel like my head's in a screw-bench. So there's some improvements.

I wanted to write something about what I read long time ago. It was about what other asexual's say about their relationships with sexual people. It was this one specific thing in some of the stories.
Since I've been feeling nauseous at times when I remember my life with my ex-girlfriend, I suddenly started to remember how some asexual's told that when they were pressured into having sex, it felt like they were mentally forced into it, like it was a rape. It's quite a strong word to be used in that context, but since there's not really any other word to describe pressured one-sided sex. I will use the word here, but in quotation marks, since I don't feel comfortable using that word concerning asexuality. Perhaps some other word would be more suitable, like "forced sex".
Before I started to realize, that my sexuality wasn't what it was with other people, like with my ex, I started to avoid the act. I didn't really want to do it. But I did it at times, since at that time I thought I was in a loving relationship and I felt that it was worth it to make someone I loved feel happy and content. Even though it took every ounce of strength I had. But I was pressured into it and I had to force myself to do it because I knew, that I wouldn't do it otherwise. The only good thing that came from it was the happiness of the other person, but that didn't make it alright for me.
And after we broke up and it became clear to me, that she hadn't ever loved me - not at any point, I felt used in so many ways. Not only emotionally, but also sexually. It was a very difficult thing I did for her. I can't make anyone understand what it was like, if the person isn't asexual. It makes me sick to remember it.
It makes me sick to remember any of the time I spent with that person. I can't even try to remember any good times, since the "good times" have been taken away from the fact, that she didn't love me, and just lied about her feelings all that time. I had nothing left from those times, but horrifying memories that make me feel sick and make me hate myself. If I found a genie of a lamp, I would wish I could get that time of my life back. If I would get it back, I might be studying art somewhere right now, I might still be healthy and happy and strong. Not the kind of ghost I have become. The ghost of something, that exists only because of the consciousness; "I think, therefore I am". If I'd lose that, I would disappear from the world like I was never here.

All this time I've spent putting back the pieces of what I used to be, I've tried to forget every last day I spent with her in that hell that was partly - or mostly responsible for my current broken down psyche.

Perhaps one day I'll write about all the other painful memories I have. When you're a child of depressed economy, you're bound to have some stories of woe from your past.

A memory about those times came to mind suddenly few days ago. When I was a child, I saw the world around me as a stage with prop walls surrounding me. The forests looked like painted walls, like there was nothing behind them. I felt like I was trapped and I had no place to go.

At some point I lost those ill thoughts. Perhaps when I moved away from unsecured home into a home of my own, which has become a haven of safety. It seems that every time I go out through the front door I become vulnerable to my own thoughts, but when I get back, I just feel safe.

(Copyrights belong to yours truly)

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I've been studying every free moment I have - which is not a lot. I had to take a small break from all that work to write here. I'm just so tired, which might be an after-effect from the medication. It's partly a good thing to be so tired, but I would like to get some energy to finish up with my studies as soon as possible. Tick-tock, tick-tock: time's running out.

"Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"

Ah, the sweet silence, the blissful calm, the unwavering quiet that has taken over my mind.

I'm taking a bigger antidepressant dosage, but it's still in the realm of average. And it's already alluring sleep, that has been evading me. I get tired more earlier and I get a bit more sleep than I used to.

I feel almost normal again. Of course there are the darker things just behind the curtain of medication, but the medication is erasing my mind from the chaos and noise, and I feel better already. My only wish is that I could keep this feeling.

I still remember how I used to think, that no matter what has happened, at least my mind is strong enough, that I haven't gotten sick. And here I am. Sick. But now I feel better than before, and I'm going to enjoy this silence.

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I really like the new TV-series "Hannibal". I watched it for the first time in the fall - I think it was fall? - and now I have watched it again. It has kept its captivating ambiance, schizophrenic mood and remained interesting even for the second time I watched it. There are many shows and movies that are watchable only for once, and the key-moment to find out if something is as good as you think, you need to watch it at least twice. 
Mads Mikkelsen is an amazing actor and a great choice to portrait Hannibal Lecter. I applaud to whoever chose him for the role.

I'm already anticipating the second season with a thrill.

And I must admit, that I really hope they would make a series with Clarice Starling. Not to make the movie "Silence of the lambs" again, but to tell the story perhaps after the movie. I do not know, but I would like to see that.

Although I must mention this, that I wouldn't recommend the series to anyone who cannot tolerate to look at mutilated human bodies. This series has taken a really unique step with the dead bodies; they do not show almost any killing or violence, but the dead have been put to display in very imaginative ways, that might make some people queasy. For me, it's just television. I do not mind and I think it's necessary to keep authenticity. A story shouldn't bow to anyone's prejudice or detestation - since realism is a lot more abhorrent than fiction.

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Hannibal Lecter: You still wake up sometimes, don't you? You wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.

Clarice Starling: Yes.

Hannibal Lecter: And you think if you save poor Catherine, you could make them stop, don't you? You think if Catherine lives, you won't wake up in the dark ever again to that awful screaming of the lambs.

Clarice Starling: I don't know. I don't know.

Hannibal Lecter: Thank you, Clarice. Thank you.

The Midnight Sun

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Music from The Twilight Zone OST.

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This song was from one of the most agonizing, distressing episodes of the Twilight Zone. Very well executed episode. And the music of the series is wonderful.