But it doesn't feel like my head's in a screw-bench. So there's some improvements.
I wanted to write something about what I read long time ago. It was about what other asexual's say about their relationships with sexual people. It was this one specific thing in some of the stories.
Since I've been feeling nauseous at times when I remember my life with my ex-girlfriend, I suddenly started to remember how some asexual's told that when they were pressured into having sex, it felt like they were mentally forced into it, like it was a rape. It's quite a strong word to be used in that context, but since there's not really any other word to describe pressured one-sided sex. I will use the word here, but in quotation marks, since I don't feel comfortable using that word concerning asexuality. Perhaps some other word would be more suitable, like "forced sex".
Before I started to realize, that my sexuality wasn't what it was with other people, like with my ex, I started to avoid the act. I didn't really want to do it. But I did it at times, since at that time I thought I was in a loving relationship and I felt that it was worth it to make someone I loved feel happy and content. Even though it took every ounce of strength I had. But I was pressured into it and I had to force myself to do it because I knew, that I wouldn't do it otherwise. The only good thing that came from it was the happiness of the other person, but that didn't make it alright for me.
And after we broke up and it became clear to me, that she hadn't ever loved me - not at any point, I felt used in so many ways. Not only emotionally, but also sexually. It was a very difficult thing I did for her. I can't make anyone understand what it was like, if the person isn't asexual. It makes me sick to remember it.
It makes me sick to remember any of the time I spent with that person. I can't even try to remember any good times, since the "good times" have been taken away from the fact, that she didn't love me, and just lied about her feelings all that time. I had nothing left from those times, but horrifying memories that make me feel sick and make me hate myself. If I found a genie of a lamp, I would wish I could get that time of my life back. If I would get it back, I might be studying art somewhere right now, I might still be healthy and happy and strong. Not the kind of ghost I have become. The ghost of something, that exists only because of the consciousness; "I think, therefore I am". If I'd lose that, I would disappear from the world like I was never here.
All this time I've spent putting back the pieces of what I used to be, I've tried to forget every last day I spent with her in that hell that was partly - or mostly responsible for my current broken down psyche.
Perhaps one day I'll write about all the other painful memories I have. When you're a child of depressed economy, you're bound to have some stories of woe from your past.
A memory about those times came to mind suddenly few days ago. When I was a child, I saw the world around me as a stage with prop walls surrounding me. The forests looked like painted walls, like there was nothing behind them. I felt like I was trapped and I had no place to go.
At some point I lost those ill thoughts. Perhaps when I moved away from unsecured home into a home of my own, which has become a haven of safety. It seems that every time I go out through the front door I become vulnerable to my own thoughts, but when I get back, I just feel safe.
(Copyrights belong to yours truly)
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I've been studying every free moment I have - which is not a lot. I had to take a small break from all that work to write here. I'm just so tired, which might be an after-effect from the medication. It's partly a good thing to be so tired, but I would like to get some energy to finish up with my studies as soon as possible. Tick-tock, tick-tock: time's running out.
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