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It's finally a weather for winter. The air is filled with powder snow, that float in the air all around. And today the sky turned into a blue, clear one. And the air is cold. Perfect weather.
Although I get enjoyment out of this day, I've been feeling like my mood has starting to decline. But I'm treating it.
I've almost finished psychology 2 -course. But I need to keep working with my studies.
And I've become a better chef than a year ago.
It's obvious, that the adult psyche keeps on evolving, changing and learning new things. Even though years come and go and I'm starting to feel how fleeting the life is. At least I can better myself.
And talking about psyche, I've come to a decision, a conclusion, that I won't start dating anyone anymore. It's just not worth it. Searching everywhere and still not being able to search everywhere, because I don't have time or money for that. Searching and trying year after year and getting sour disappointments is not worth finding nothing that would stay. Even those who say, that we could stay friends don't really mean it and disappear. And especially fickle are the women under twenty four. They can look like adults, talk like adults, yet they reveal their childlike nature eventually. There's nothing wrong with being childlike or childish, but talking about things you don't have any real, mature experience, especially love, is just cruel. But explaining what I mean by that would take too much time to get into now. I just don't understand how the world works so I'm content with being by myself.
I'm also too complex person for anyone. For being an asexual for one, that's a real deal breaker, though people have been tolerant, it obviously needs more than that.
It's difficult to find someone who is interested in the same things I am and who might find me interesting. It's true that I'm more of a basic, uneventful guy, who doesn't have charisma or especially good looks. And my humor is dry - and quite frankly usually stupid. But I'm not saying all these things because I feel sorry for myself. I actually felt really good upon making this decision. After all, I like being by myself. Time to time I need to see the people I wish to have a social interaction with , but otherwise I'm content by being by myself.
I've always been like that, but after the breakup in summer, and now that months have gone by, I realized that I can't compromise my own wishes anymore for anyone. I can't - no, - I won't move into a different city just to be with someone. I won't wait till I can start making my own dreams for the future, I won't do things I wouldn't want or I won't be pressured into something I don't want to do. Being in a relationship has brought me nothing but grief so I'm done. I will remain a bachelor for my remaining life. Kind of like some of the men before the millennium. Except I'm not gay or alcoholic. I'll be the hermit kind of bachelor.
I've been dreaming for years of buying a small house with a plot of land, right next to some lake or river. Being surrounded by forest as far as the eye can see. And I've added somethings to this dream, like a shelter for abandoned pets. That's something that I could do, to give a meaning to my existence so that I don't feel lost and out of place.
Today I'm feeling hopeful.
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