(Copyrights belong to me)
The medication has been working, and now I'm just observing how long this calm lasts. Hopefully as long as possible.
I thought about my decision today. My decision to stay single perhaps for the rest of my life. The thought isn't bothering me the slightest but I have been pondering about it since I have a lot of time to think about various of things.
I'm tired of meeting people who do not like me for me, as I am. I'm tired of getting judged for not being what some people want. I cannot even start to comprehend that. Some people hate - for example - vegetarians. And they don't hide it. They are single, looking for dates, and if they run into someone who isn't what they are looking for, they decide to really make that clear by insulting what that other person likes.
I do not need other people to make me feel worthless or unlikable. I can do that to myself at worst days. Usually, though, I'm content. And I want to stay that way. If I need disappointing relationships I can always remember the neutral yet cold and unloving relationship I have with my parents. I don't want that kind of romantic relationships on the top of the old one. You can't escape from your blood-ties but you can always choose the company you keep.
I do not know if my thoughts about this matter would change some day, but I feel really good about being by myself for the rest of my life. I used to think about finding someone special, and thinking about that and searching for that person was difficult. I usually felt lonely, sad and unlikable or I felt some pressure to change. When I thought that I had finally been given a gift from the universe, someone who loved me, it turned out to be a lie, so I am still here, on this Earth, without a relationship, without love. I might never find it, so why should I keep looking for something I might not find? I cannot find any answer to that, so this is the solution I came up with. I have been content ever since I stopped thinking that perhaps I would meet someone in a store, while walking in the streets and so on. That if someone contacts me, that might lead to something great. Now I do not know anymore what that "great" would be. For the last "great" thing I gave everything, and it took it all leaving me empty handed in every turn. I do not have the will to compromise anything anymore. I do not think I am capable to do that anymore.
I can picture people who are in a relationship, and have usually been active in dating, and probably have a full history of previous relationships, judging what I'm writing here. I have experience on that so I can imagine what goes on their minds. Usually dating, social people cannot understand what it is like to be unsocial and struggling with all the relationships you have. It's difficult to form one, but usually when unsocial people form relationships and friendships they will last for a lifetime, IF the opposite person is willing for it.
I struggle to get to know new people. I have really hard time to get past the everyday niceties to form deeper bonds. My therapist gave me an explanation why I can't seem to make friends in any of the places I have been so far; I might be signaling with my body language that I do not want it. Which makes sense, since as much as I like the idea of making friends in schools and workplaces I also dread it, since for me that requires so much work and mental concentration that it tires me. I also need the other person to help me with that or it doesn't happen since I do not know how to make it happen. But when it does happen, I will be loyal to them for the rest of our lives, unless the other person doesn't want that, cuts the bonds and leaves. But I will still remember all the people that have left. I can't forget them completely even when I wanted to. Which is a blessing or a curse depending on the people I befriend.
All these factors in mind, I think my conclusion is logical. I do not know if it is permanent or something I'm going through right now, but I'm just tired with other people.
I also got a message from one site I used to be in, with no luck though, and for a split-second I thought about replying, and then I remembered what people are, how it usually turns out, and I just didn't want to get into it. I do not think it is worth it anymore. Perhaps I was an idealistic romantic, who had to be put down to reality. No more Byron for anyone, no more roses, no more planning of a future with someone. I leave all that into my past and hopefully one day I will be able to forget it all.
These words do not mean anything to me anymore, but perhaps some reader might find something in them. For me they are left forever empty and hollow like all love-stories. It's impossible to understand something I haven't ever had. That also goes for the judgmental readers, who might have the urge to comment with cliche's like "it will happen to you someday" or "one failed relationship doesn't mean you should be single for the rest of your life". Rather I would like the quiet unresponsive blankness. I hate the cliche's.
"She Walks in Beauty"
Lord Byron
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
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