Usually the antidepressant medication takes few weeks until it reaches its maximum effects and I've been enjoying this "kevlar"-protection that has been slowly forming inside my mind since I started to eat a bigger dosage. It really does feel like my mind is getting a bullet-proof surface, that keeps the inner demons and distressing thoughts out. Before, all the dark that's in the world and inside myself have been able to devour and mutilate me to a breaking point. There was no way to keep all the evil out. You might not understand it, but imagine that all the bad things that have happened to you, and all the bad things that happen in the world affects you as deeply as possible, until you're shredded down to your flesh and bones, and you think you can't handle any more of it.
About the same topic, I've been thinking about my growing obsession of buying a house somewhere from the wilderness to live my life in seclusion in the middle of the great, beautiful East-Finland. This obsession grows too much, because I have trouble being satisfied with my current great apartment. I mean, I like my apartment. It was a saving grace to get this, and for me, it's perfect. I might be a bit worried, if I can contain myself from taking any steps of making the obsession to become reality. Especially when I have been feeling depressed, I've noticed that I've been a bit reckless with my money. Not too reckless, mind you, my financial troubles are partly to blame for my student loans and for the constantly rising living expenses that go way over my miserably small salary.
And for a side note: I'm glad that some people, when asking about my job, immediately say things like "it's better than nothing" or "do you still plan to study something else". Those people have the best reactions. I despise people who look at me with demeaning eyes filled with pity saying shit like "your work is so important! It's a real shame that you don't get the respect you deserve". Those people make me feel like I'm nothing like them, like I'm some sort of primitive human being, who's incapable of making anything of myself, and has to do a job fitting for my mental and physical abilities, and needs to be complimented for sustaining the higher beings primitive needs, that are too demeaning for them to do, since they can do whatever they want to do.
I might be wrong here, I might make assumptions, but I guess that's something I've learned from somewhere. I mean, that I can't make assumptions out of nothing. Perhaps some of this has been learned from the reactions I've got from my aunts - for the least times I've been in any kind of contact with my relatives. People who make a lot of money can learn to think of themselves as superior beings, even if they don't notice it. One of those aunts planted a seed of doubt into my mind, when I was studying art. I was doubting myself, my future, that I would have to focus on finding a career where I could sustain myself. So I started to give up art again. This continuing "giving up" happened in ways, that I didn't think I was actually "giving up" something. But all these decisions I've made so far have been leading me farther away from old life-goals. Perhaps now I want to say to you, the reader, that life's an empty path in a dark forest; if you don't follow your hearts desires, you will become a ghost of your own life. Starting all over again from the scratch might end up killing you. This is how I view my current life; I'm starting all over again. The only bad thing with it is that the time left is more limited than at the first time.
Even knowing all this, I feel almost unaffected. It's a sign that this "kevlar"-surroundings on my mind is working. Desperation cannot get through to me that easily.
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I've been planning to try out making a comic-strip about some of the things that happen in my day to day life. I've been following a couple of blogs with that idea, and I think that might be an interesting project to try out. Also since it's been years I have even thought about making a comic-strip I think it might be interesting. The only problem is time, or more specifically; the lack of it, but we will see if I get something done at some point.
(Etching-print, the copyrights belongs to me)
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