Today's thoughts were circling around religion. Perhaps because I have been thinking about Buddhism lately.
Last time I was depressed was when I was a teenager and I read a lot back then, bumping into Buddhism at one point. I read a lot about it. As much literature as I could get my hands on. I really believed, that to live a joyful, content life the answer was in there.
Now I'm thinking about going back to it, if it helps me to heal.
Why I - partly - left it was a thought, that with suffering I have inspiration for art, without it I can't make anything because I have nothing to tell. Happiness doesn't really inspire me. But perhaps I am in too deep with my suffering, that I could try anyway possible, to ease it.
When I was a child I was taught to be a Christian. And I was that in my own way, but when I noticed that the god I worshiped was very different from the god teachers and bible was teaching, I gave the god up and have been searching something philosophical or spiritual to rely in. Being an agnostic or atheist didn't fit right with me either. Being just vague with my spirituality through my life doesn't suit me and I also cannot deny any godlike-forces like atheist. And most atheists are quite aggressive people, who think all religion is stupid and religious people are stupidest people around, so I do not want to be in that group. I respect other people's free will to believe in whatever they want, although that point of view isn't fashionable now a days. Faith can be a powerful tool, but most fruitful tool when it is used by yourself to yourself. When life is a mystery, our existence a burden, a little bit of faith can give us a bit more strength.
I also acknowledge the impacts that for example Christianity has had to art. Art and science do not go well together, so in modern day artistic intuition is not appreciated.
For a child the existence of devil is more real than the existence of god. It's easy to believe in something, when not believing would mean that you are going to go to hell where demons tear you apart. Especially children are easily scared into believing anything frightening. A being supposedly kind and giving is not quite as real as monsters.
I never felt Christianity to be right for me. It's unfamiliar and strange, like many other religions. It has traveled here from far-away lands. Ever since I was a child all I could understand and love was the lands, forests and lakes around me and the animals that dwell within them. That's all.
Had to add: I've been daydreaming about my own cottage/house a lot. Planning what I will do with it, what colour I will paint it, how many apple-tree's to grow in the yard and if I would buy an average wooden boat. The way sun and moon will shine there, how the mist gathers on the lake or a pond when it's autumn. Gods, this dream keeps getting more vivid and intense with each passing day. It's good to have something to dream, but some say that dreams are meant to be just dreams, to never achieve them. I get distressed when I think about never achieving this vision I have. It is tormenting.
Last time I was depressed was when I was a teenager and I read a lot back then, bumping into Buddhism at one point. I read a lot about it. As much literature as I could get my hands on. I really believed, that to live a joyful, content life the answer was in there.
Now I'm thinking about going back to it, if it helps me to heal.
Why I - partly - left it was a thought, that with suffering I have inspiration for art, without it I can't make anything because I have nothing to tell. Happiness doesn't really inspire me. But perhaps I am in too deep with my suffering, that I could try anyway possible, to ease it.
When I was a child I was taught to be a Christian. And I was that in my own way, but when I noticed that the god I worshiped was very different from the god teachers and bible was teaching, I gave the god up and have been searching something philosophical or spiritual to rely in. Being an agnostic or atheist didn't fit right with me either. Being just vague with my spirituality through my life doesn't suit me and I also cannot deny any godlike-forces like atheist. And most atheists are quite aggressive people, who think all religion is stupid and religious people are stupidest people around, so I do not want to be in that group. I respect other people's free will to believe in whatever they want, although that point of view isn't fashionable now a days. Faith can be a powerful tool, but most fruitful tool when it is used by yourself to yourself. When life is a mystery, our existence a burden, a little bit of faith can give us a bit more strength.
I also acknowledge the impacts that for example Christianity has had to art. Art and science do not go well together, so in modern day artistic intuition is not appreciated.
For a child the existence of devil is more real than the existence of god. It's easy to believe in something, when not believing would mean that you are going to go to hell where demons tear you apart. Especially children are easily scared into believing anything frightening. A being supposedly kind and giving is not quite as real as monsters.
I never felt Christianity to be right for me. It's unfamiliar and strange, like many other religions. It has traveled here from far-away lands. Ever since I was a child all I could understand and love was the lands, forests and lakes around me and the animals that dwell within them. That's all.
*
Had to add: I've been daydreaming about my own cottage/house a lot. Planning what I will do with it, what colour I will paint it, how many apple-tree's to grow in the yard and if I would buy an average wooden boat. The way sun and moon will shine there, how the mist gathers on the lake or a pond when it's autumn. Gods, this dream keeps getting more vivid and intense with each passing day. It's good to have something to dream, but some say that dreams are meant to be just dreams, to never achieve them. I get distressed when I think about never achieving this vision I have. It is tormenting.
No comments:
Post a Comment