I listened to this song after years had passed from the last time. It's funny how memories are so quickly activated by certain smells and sounds. I remember listening to this song whenever I was going to a hospital or leaving from one. For me the song was kind of supposed to encourage. It's hard to go through surgeries and the after-math by yourself. There's never been anyone there to visit me or to take care of me when I'm healing.
That's perhaps the third thing that has caused my depression. The last surgery was really difficult and painful. All that pain and fear have put me into a lot of strain. For instance after one operation couple of the stitches came off, so I started bleeding like leaky faucet. It was a drop after every heartbeat. Of course I called the hospital while scared shitless, since I don't mind blood but I do mind when it's dripping out of me when it's not supposed to. But the person in the phone said that I could come in the morning, that it's not an emergency. I thought I could never get any sleep knowing that while I sleep there's a leaky vein in me. Of course the doctor fixed it the next day, but that's just one example. Not to mention all the humiliations I've gone through. I'm so used to just giving my body to the medical staff, as if it was a broken tool for them to fix, and it didn't belong to me. But nowadays I refuse to give my surgical information to any new doctors especially since a routine check-up doesn't need that information.
My body is just as tired as my mind is.
That song also reminds me of my older brother, so older Metallica will have a special meaning for me in that sense too.
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I have found the joy of listening to music after a long, long time. It was a lot over a year ago, when I didn't really know what to listen, nothing really interested me, but now, I'm bit by bit more interested.
But I can't exhaust myself even though I've been doing a little bit of past-time reading. It's not going very fast, but it's a change for the better.
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